tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-41745538642941474132024-03-13T13:53:07.862-07:00Perfectly Peach. My life in a Northern bubble.Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.comBlogger104125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-50688829472030066802021-05-11T00:11:00.004-07:002021-05-11T06:51:21.585-07:00hello old friend - the fog reappears.<p style="text-align: center;"> <span style="font-size: large;">This recent lockdown hadn't impacted me so hard to start with, i think with it starting deep in winter, i nested down and took advantage of fires, knitting and the calm after the Christmas chaos. Around March time i found that slowly changing and could feel a decline in my mental well being and general readiness, the cold still felt long and winter was staying put. It felt good to be around others at work but the work didn't feel quite the same with face masks and having to stay 2m apart, which in periods of distress feels inhumane to not reach out and touch the arm of a client, a lot of changes were occurring and slowly i started to feel more disconnected then i have for a while, recognising my old friend was starting to appear and i was struggling to keep him at bay. I started to realise i wanted to sleep and stay asleep for some time which for me is my first trigger, i knew that wasn't possible with a toddler but i could feel the urge, things started to feel very overwhelming and i was finding myself repeating situations that had upset me over and over, my next trigger, not being able to process. I feel very lucky Sam and my Mum recognise these triggers quickly and start making me talk and share asking me what i need and how they can help. I started to realise my postnatal depression hadn't gone and now this attached to my low mood periods, intensifying life and motherhood and how i coped with days where loneliness/disconnectedness sunk in strong. I started to recognise where i was unhappy and what changes i needed to make to stay focused on myself and what my needs were as a women, mother, wife, friend and counsellor, if i am struggling all these areas struggle too and suddenly i can't be who i need in each situation. I sometimes feel a sad shadow and hear negativity creep in which isn't where i feel comfortable. </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">I began to listen to what i share with young people and attempted to take action, look at what was happening and make a plan for what i needed to do, recognise what changes felt possible right now and were in reach to manage. I took my journal out and started to process and began to move my body which felt good, i threw myself into the activities i enjoy, growing, making and being outdoors and recognised sometimes i needed to put me first as without putting me first i couldn't be present for those around me. </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">We also managed a holiday, an actual away space and its been 3 days but being out in the dales already has grounded me, slowed me down and let me hear what feels right. I have took holidays over lockdown but for some reason or other work has creeped in, not by choice and the holiday hasn't felt the space i needed to fill myself back up, for me a holiday is a time away, exploring and being in open spaces it isn't being back in the four walls of my home, feeling trapped, i have felt trapped for a year now with limitations being put on us of how we should behave and act. I have never realised the importance for physical contact this year, the sense of being close to others, the embrace of a friend without asking 'are we hugging' and constantly feeling an upset or anxiety that your too close to someone. This year has brought such change, such judgement and great sadness and i am ready for it to be over and a new time to come. </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;">The year ahead i have made plans, plans keep me focused and allow me to look forward to good times, it helps my mental health stay put and allows me to be at my best on most days. I have considered going to the doctors to talk about medication but have made the decision to wait, i have a few things occurring and if those things go the way i hope then that may help and change how my brain reacts. A friend asked me the other day if i would rather stay in one stable place rather than feel the big loves which then come with the depressive lows, it was such a great question and i realised i wouldn't change it, it's what makes me who i am and because i feel lucky enough to recognise my triggers then i feel more able to keep going as i am. As always with mental health this may change, it reappears in the strangest of ways and at times of real stress i will always move, talk write and be outdoors. </span></p><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-39368533887848752122021-01-30T00:24:00.001-08:002021-01-30T00:24:48.475-08:002020 Reflections <p style="text-align: center;"> July last year was the last time I wrote and I have had many blog ideas but just haven't felt motivated to spend the time writing or have feelt slightly self conscious of what was important. I didnt know where I wanted my words to go and what I wanted you to read. This blog has had many variations but I guess that's life, hey? We take varying paths through life and my main reflection is that my blog shows that. Who knows where it will go next, but I hope whatever rambles I take you keep enjoying.</p><p style="text-align: center;">Lockdown 3 hasn't felt so overwhelming for me, I think this time of year would be took up with winter rambles, cosy afternoons in the pub and roaring fires with hours of netflix, ultimately all that is more of a challenge due to our wild toddler who doesn't stay still for too long and thinks he can walk for miles, which takes hours, he gets too cold then he loses it as he gets tingly fingers (he hasn't learnt the art of gloves, much to our persuasion). Therefore with pubs being closed, walks being too far a drive and netflix has turned into Disney movies were not feeling were missing out too much. These restrictions have in some way made life easier for us. Were obviously missing our London family, Sam's Muma was getting here as much as possible and were gutted that's now limited to whatsapp videos, we just keep thinking soon there will be change and the first thing will be seeing those people we haven't seen in so long. </p><p style="text-align: center;">It has been a year of mad change though and what challenge for the mind and body, I had my vaccination a few days ago and it was such a strange experience queuing for a vaccine that may allow me some freedom at some point.. </p><p style="text-align: center;">I have been adamant to still see others when I can, exercise with one other person has been with friends with littles so park play, bridal path walks, local nature reserves and jaunts to tasty coffee vans. I have wanted Albie to still see other littles and nursery has been another plus of this, he has developed so much the 2 days he goes and watching him know nursery rhymes, new words and imaginary play is just wonderful to observe. </p><p style="text-align: center;">I went back to work at the start of lockdown 1, that was some experience, luckily I managed to move back into the office soon after due to the level of risk of young people I work with. I work 3 days a week at 2 different charities and also carry out private supervision work supporting other therapeutic workers. I love my job and it has been great for me going back, I miss Albie but I also have gained part of me back and feel I am a better Mum for working. I have also started some further therapeutic training through lockdown which work have supported me with, and it has made me very excited to have another trauma based therapy to my bag of counselling ways.</p><p style="text-align: center;">We got a holiday in during the 'free' spell, something I am going to blog more about as we have explored using the van and tent with Albie and both definitely have pluses and minuses of outdoor adventures with a baby/toddler. Albie first went away in the van at around 6wks old which now feels crazy to think about, however it was much easier to vanlife when he was less mobile! The Summer holiday was amazing though and we had a week that made the year for us, rambles along the Pembrokeshire coastal path, campfires at night, sea swimming and seal spotting as we rambled, it was just lush and a perfect week to show Albie our favourite camping ground. We have even booked this year and treated ourselves to a bell tent. </p><p style="text-align: center;">We had a few festivals booked, which obviously were cancelled, fingers crossed they can go ahead this year, were dying to see Albie amaze in festival delight, he has a festival cape ready and some great sparkly clothes. Albie loves music and moves his little body when he hears a tune he likes, to think of him doing this with live music literally fills my heart and I can't wait to embrace it all with him. </p><p style="text-align: center;">Albie's love for the outdoors has grown from Spring to Summer lockdowns into Autumn/Winter he loves helping to feed the birds, get in the chicken coop, walk the dogs and head down the allotment, his love to toddle around is heart warming and has kept us exploring through the long dreary days. </p><p style="text-align: center;">Weve been binge watching when we can and some of our favourites from lockdown have been Normal People, Ozarks, Treme, The Fall, recent season of The Crown and Sex Education plus the Toy Story trilogy and all the Julia Donaldson stories by Magic Light on iplayer. </p><p style="text-align: center;">I have been reading lots which has been great for myself, lots of early bedtimes with a cuppa and my book, I haven't set myself an aim for this year but have picked the books I would like to get through. A friend and I have also started a mini book club where every few months we read a book together then reflect on it. However we have both agreed time to read our own books as for me I love picking a book and getting lost in something of my own choice. I love the #20secondbookreview on instagram, it has provided me with many reading ideas over the last year. </p><p style="text-align: center;">My allotment has gone to bed for the winter, I have taken on a few beds in a new patch that ultimately my Mum and Stepdad have took on, I still have my old little plot though and have been planning what I want to grow. I also have a greenhouse now which I can't wait to grow chillis, peppers and aubergines in. </p><p style="text-align: center;">I have crafted, slowly but have made a few bits for Albie, a hat for Sam and I am making some socks for myself now. I am hoping to start a jumper also this year, eep but I am a bit scared of its detail and commitment, at least I have a year to do it! </p><p style="text-align: center;">I finished my own counselling and tried out some EMDR therapy (reprocessesing traumatic memories), I really needed to carry out some work around my own labour and fertility journey, the EMDR work was amazing, since it I have felt such a shift and feel lighter and more focused on what my needs are but also the journey that brought Albie to us. I made the decision to stop posting on my fertility instagram, I have left it open but have chose posting images of my baby when it ultimately was about the challenges of fertility didn't feel right. I think I will close it at some point but for now I have left it for information sharing and answering any messages that come my way around infertility and the struggles it brings. </p><p style="text-align: center;">Writing this I see the year has actually offered a lot, reflections can be so good to see what we have achieved, even in lockdown it's been eventful and rather enriching. 2021 hopefully will bring more connection, more outdoor adventures, less time indoors and a focus on how important life is to live and cuddles, loads of cuddles.</p><div><br /></div>Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-76685274757836129942020-07-28T12:19:00.001-07:002020-07-28T12:20:34.458-07:00labouring through<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It's took a year to write this, i am still not 100% sure i am ready but, with Albie turning 1 this week it felt the process of attempting to make sense of what happened would be good and allow me some reflection on that time one year ago. </div>
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If your pregnant i would say this may not be the best thing for you to read, if you like all the details then go ahead but remember this was my journey and all journeys are not the same. If you had your own traumatic experience of labour then be aware this could bring triggers, just make sure your looking after yourself as this is my honest and detailed account of what happened to me. I also want to share that although there were things that went wrong our midwife care was beyond exceptional and we felt cared for by those looking after us, things happen, decisions are made we understand that but the 5 midwifes who cared for us looked after us with unbelievable care, understanding and honesty and without them we couldn't have done it.</div>
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After taking so long to fall pregnant my two wishes were that we would make it to full term and that our labour would happen 'naturally' and induction wouldn't be the route we had to go down. I spoke openly about how this wasn't the type of labour i agreed with and how i knew the outcome would lead to assistance due to the fast pace of contractions, and my body not being totally ready for what would be occurring. However, it's what happened and after two weeks of waiting i knew my baby wasn't coming naturally, i spoke to my midwife and induction was booked, on the 28th July 2019 we walked into that induction suite with little idea what was to happen next but filled with excitement the time had come to meet our baby.</div>
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For those who don't know about induction it happens in many ways, mostly in the form of a pessarie or gel that's inserted into your vulva then if that starts to work and your cervix dilates into 'active labour' (which i think is around 6cms) your good to go. If you don't get to this stage you get put on a drip, which is like a pace maker for the womb, the drip is filled with a drug that forces contractions and throughout your labour your given larger doses, making the contractions bigger and hopefully your cervix begins to open more and your baby starts to move, active labour begins. </div>
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I went into the induction suite for 5pm on Sunday 28th, they settled me into a room with 4 other 'inductees' and throughout the evening everyone was given the gels to start labour moving, one by one women moved out as they progressed. At around 1am the midwifes shared i was contracting well and showing good signs, however when they did their internal check i sadly wasn't dilating and sadly was still only 1cm, not even enough to break my waters, this carried on for a few hours, we walked around and around the RVI and bounced and bounced but sadly things weren't moving as fast as they would like. They finally managed to break my waters on Monday morning, around 7am, 11hrs into the beginning stages of labour, the period style pain contractions. Things started to feel slightly out of my control of my own body at this stage, i was in discomfort and pain and felt powerless as to what was being prodded in me. Now, i am aware this happens to A LOT of women, however for me, this area of my body had experienced this prodding for 4yrs now, many investigations into my fertility, with ivf you always have some 'wand' being inserted to check for follicles, embryos, eggs etc etc so for this now to be happening throughout birth also was just adding to the trauma of feeling it was someone else's to do as they wanted. </div>
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At this point we spoke with the midwife and informed them i didn't want any sweeps, i didn't want to be prodded unless needed, and requested any checks that could be delayed until actual labour fully started would be. They were so understanding, asked what would help and offered me a bath, i remember so clearly getting in the bath with some clary sage and listening to the archers, it felt warm and comforting on my body and i lay there in this tiny bath, waters broken but feeling more at ease. </div>
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The next few hours turned into a blur as sadly i moved into a more pressing labour but there wasn't room for me in the delivery suite until 3pm Monday, 21hrs into first stage labour. I tried not to feel frustrated and knew i needed all my good hormones to flow but sadly this insane procedure they had in place for induction women meant my labour soon came to a stop as there was nowhere for me to move to and the 'holding rooms' were not the most relaxing. </div>
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When we finally moved into an available room the drip was waiting and any form of moving, swaying labour was heading out the door. After flapping and huffing for a bit, Sam calmed me down, he made the room lovely, diffuser, affirmation cards, music and massaged my back helping me guide back into the space, it felt good and i was happy to just be present with him. </div>
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Labour started to take hold around 8pm, around 26hrs in, i was starting to understand contractions and breathing through them with my yoga breathing, i felt in control of my body and was sniffing my lavender hanky like there was no tomorrow. I got to 12pm, 30hrs into labour and realised i needed something more, the gas and air was making me sick and my breath wasn't cutting it, after another hour of discussing and looking at the pluses and negatives we decided to opt for an epidural, the antitheist came, placed the site and administered the drug, i waited and expected that calm to come where i would get some sleep and contractions could move through me more freely. I waited and waited and as the drip was pushed higher i realised nothing was happening, it wasn't working, something was wrong, the epidural had failed me, i was now contracting big, but my cervix was only at 2.5cms (not classed as active labour) however my contractions were that of active labour, my midwife was confused and the look on Sam's face was of worry, and this is where it all just started to go wrong. </div>
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So i am aware that women have traumatic births every day, i am not saying mine is the worst ever but for me my birth was traumatic, it was everything i didn't want it to be and everything they didn't want it to be, it was raw and brutal and the journey it took was everything i did not want it to be, it lives with me still and i remember it daily, the trauma is held in my body, in my c section scar and although i have processed a lot of it its hard to forget something so monumental, the day my son came into the world, the most wonderful day ever is also the day my body and mind was slightly broken. </div>
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For the next 6hrs a number of things went wrong, they couldn't place any epidural so i was contracting strong every 2mins, not even in active labour with no pain relief, i was screaming for a c section at one point as i felt my body was about to explode, we were left alone for an hour when the 2nd epidural was placed, which again we were assured would work and it didn't, Sam actually walked out into the labour ward asking anyone for help, to be told we had to wait for our midwife to come back from lunch, which she deserved and needed but at that point we also needed someone to help. After 6hrs of no clue how i was going to do it they called the big leads in and the consultant visited me at 7am, horrified at what she found. The hierarchy of midwifes and antitheist played it's part and the consultant shared she should have been rung earlier, i was given pethidine and finally an epidural that worked, i finally found some calm and my drug fuelled haze set in to allow me some sleep, 49hrs after arriving at hospital. </div>
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52hrs after we first arrived they made the decision we needed to move to a c-section, i wasn't in immediate danger and Albie was fine but they knew he wasn't coming out, i didn't know at the time but he was back to back which basically means he was snug as a bug and not in the right position to push on the cervix properly to dilate it. As we entered theatre i remember i just needed Sam to hold my face, the drugs were hard at that point and my jaw wouldn't stay still, i remember thinking i can't bring my baby into the world like this and imagined how my Mum would have to look after him until i was well enough. I realise now i needed physical contact, everything felt so out of control i needed that touch from my husband to hold me and tell me it was all going to be okay.</div>
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Albie was born at 10.54am, 52hrs and 54mins later, he came out fully 'cooked' with not an ounce of amniotic fluid on him and was a strapping 9lb 30z and a face that made our world shine. </div>
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Those after hours feel a blur of drug tripping hazy waves, at times i didn't feel able to hold Albie as i was scared of dropping him, i was hearing voices of friends that weren't there and both Sam and I were falling asleep as hadn't slept properly since Sunday and it was now Tuesday afternoon. It was the most intense but powerful few hours having this new life in our arms, Sam did most of the skin to skin due to me not being well enough too. Our midwifes came and helped us soothe him to sleep, giving us a few hours to close our eyes before my Mum and Ron came to meet him. </div>
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When everyone left that evening and it was just me and him, i lay next to him watching him, not believing he was mine and we were one, he scared me but made me whole and this new chapter was about to begin. </div>
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Labour, she's a beast in many forms and i still don't know the exact words i use to describe her, i struggled to just forget what happened like others say you do, i couldn't forget the face of my husband as he watched me agonising in pain totally helpless and i couldn't forget the face of my midwife as she questioned what was going on, however i do remember the squidginess of my boy as he entered this world and for that it was worth it but i knew i wouldn't be putting myself through it again, he was here and now we were done. </div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-27377983129036946332020-05-02T00:34:00.002-07:002020-05-02T00:34:40.650-07:009 months of reflections! <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Going back to work after 9 months off is a strange thing in itself, without the added depths of leaving your baby, overcoming mental health needs, a worldwide pandemic and feeling trapped in your home. When the lock down began we all felt certain elements of worry and stress but what struck me was my sense of loss, my loss of the end of my maternity leave. I sat crying as guidelines were imposed about the ending of groups, the ending of support and the ending of a time i had started to enjoy.<br />
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As i have documented in other blogs sadly maternity leave didn't start as planned, Albie didn't show up for some time and when he did i spent my first 3 months in a postnatal haze feeling low, tearful and really confused at how i should care for my baby and if i had the ability to. I couldn't feed him, the midwife made me feel i wasn't caring for his needs and my own mental health went into nose dive at the expectations i felt i wasn't meeting. It changed at 6 months, properly anyway, i suddenly got it, i knew him, he knew me and i had friends, networks, groups, family and knew what i needed to do at certain times of the day to make the day easier. We got into a flow and it suddenly felt natural, i still missed work, i missed that part of me, but life didn't feel as lost as it once had. We had around 2 months of this, then it changed and my process of moving into lock down was definitely of grief, that the end of maternity was starting to look like the start, a hazy mess feeling slightly lost. I felt bad for feeling this, i felt guilt at my selfishness but i felt it important to recognise and understand why lock down was feeling more of a struggle and why i couldn't accept what was happening.<br />
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I also was coming to the end of my counselling and this stopped (my choice) due to it moving to online, again something i was working on that i felt was taken away. Then i was going back to work at my old job and i was starting a new job one day a week for another charity, something i was looking forward to for so long, being with my work peeps and engaging with incredible young people, again this all changed when i was told i would be working from my spare room. I have adjusted, i have had to, i have processed, i have had to, i am not the only one feeling so many losses right now, my losses feel insignificant to the reality of what is happening, but there mine and they feel important to voice as it also feels were not allowed to talk about the smaller things anymore, small things that can feel big things in a already complex world.<br />
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Maternity leave hasn't been the sabbatical i thought it would be, it wasn't the dreamy days of lying feeding my baby with the sun shining in and a relaxed playlist in the background. It was hard, so fricken hard, it was exhausting and more confusing then i ever imagined. It was beautiful in a whole host of ways and it was confusing, all the things i expected didn't happen, all the things i hoped for didn't happen, i had to adjust and change and keep alive a new small being, whilst being so mixed up about what my feelings were for this new life. I had to be open and raw and admit i sometimes wanted him back inside as he was safe there, my body knew how to care for him, i had to be open i wasn't in my own mind at times and i had to cry, i cried a river there were so many tears but i had to trust in love, that it would grow, that it would allow my heart to open and be vulnerable and i had to understand there was no running, i was staying put however hard that felt at times and still does, my home was my boy, my beautiful boy.<br />
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The naivety i felt pre pregnancy sits with me and i love it, i love the beauty of believing so much can happen, i love the realism i held vanished due to this life growing in me and this exciting new adventure to come. What i learnt was you have no control at times and that's okay, the minute i accepted he was in control of what happened next i started to understand and the adventure changed but not always in a bad way. That acceptance sits with me and the learning's i have had over the last 9 months are some of my strongest lessons. I have realised that i can be so insecure at my own abilities as a women, wife and mother, i am not forgiven on myself and have unearthed a part of me i don't like, it's negative and struggles to see optimism, but i am working on it and i am aware of it and that is the only way change can be made. I have learnt i am selfish, which i don't feel is a bad thing, i miss my old life, it will never be how it was but i hope it can have resemblances, i wanted to be a mother for so long and when the time came i questioned if it was something i had always wanted, which also made me feel such guilt that i was questioning something i had worked so hard to get. I also realised how strong i am, that i spent 3 days in labour and 8hrs in pain without help, they didn't know how to help when nothing else was working, the midwife shared after she had never experienced what happened to me, at the time i didn't know how to react but when i look back now i am so thankful i survived as at one point i wasn't sure i would. I understand my job more, i understand flashbacks and trauma more, so although i wished i had never gone through what i had in labour it has led me to be able to understand when someone talks of the impact of flashback's as 9 months on i still experience them now, i manage them but a song, a smell, a programme with labour in it brings it all back. I learnt that fertility treatment is traumatic and will never leave me, that process of 3.5yrs of appointments, prodding, poking and loss has burnt a place in my heart and when it was all over i was so happy but i was also lost, the feelings fertility treatment leaves you with is so complex and the only people who understand are those also going through it, were sisters and warriors, we survive the battle and keep throwing ourselves in to get what comes so easily to others.<br />
<br />
I have also learnt new ways to love in my relationship, it's true if you survive the first year of having a baby you can survive anything, the amount you have to give up is commitment beyond belief. Sam has literally saved me on so many occasions, he has been 100% and has had his own challenges but has always been present and available and when it comes to parenting, he is by us every step. A new love developed when i watched him feed our new born baby with teeny cups in the midst of the night, when he encouraged me to feed in other ways and never told me not to cry when i needed too, i saw he was willing to do anything to help us survive in those first few weeks even at times when he himself was breaking.<br />
<br />
The main thing i have learnt though is a love so strong it makes me gush with emotion, at times Sam even laughs at me as every day this small human makes my heart explode, explode with pride, happiness and pure greatness at my achievement as he is my greatest achievement.<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-22232404167022496982020-03-04T11:52:00.000-08:002020-03-08T13:45:42.214-07:00When does the whirlwind end.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Motherhood, it's ups and downs forever knocking me of my
feet and making it a struggle to get back up. 7 months have passed by and over those 7 months I
don't think I have ever felt so overwhelmed, shocked, alone or bewildered in my
whole life. The unknown of this new path I have taken and what the right way to
turn is forever mind boggling and I know they say the first is the hardest but I
still have no idea what makes people go on to have more. My babe is a beauty,
he's calm, chilled, sleeps but the amount of mental exhaustion and ups and
downs I go through on a daily basis are not good for my mental health and in
return are not good for Albie or my little family.I have never felt so disconnected from the
life I was living only recently realising I have been in survival mode for so long, survival from
the experience of infertility, IVF, pregnancy and labour then the newborn days.
This journey I had to get my baby developed
a fight in me, one I thought would end when he arrived., but I am soon learning
hasn't fully. My Counsellor commented yesterday on my 'warrior' mentality and I
shared how in the IVF community we call ourselves IVF warriors, madness to
think this is the mentality we have to take on, of a solider surviving battle.
I don't think at the time we realise the trauma of infertility and IVF, I don't
think anyone does or can until the process comes to an end and sometimes that's
with more trauma of not having the outcome we wished for or we get what we want
but then can't understand why we still feel so lost. That was my outcome, I got
my babe, my beautiful boy, my beautiful son but I was so lost and suddenly felt
so lost in motherhood, as mentioned before something I never expected. I have come
to understand recently what this loss is about and recognise it's around
identity, an identity I have lost over the years and am slowly finding but it's
taking time. It feels as women trying to conceive or new mothers we all go
through this in some way, how can we not a little person has entered or is
trying to enter our lives and this changes the dynamic of it all, the dynamic for
me, with my husband, dogs, friends and work and it won't be the same as before
as it can't be, but it can be different and different doesn't need to be a bad
thing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One thing I am exploring at the moment is my role in my
life, the identity that has been given to me by others and the one I have taken
on myself. I am looking at what feels right and what doesn't and how this has
impacted on me over the years. Its helping me look at the two identities I have
developed at this time and how I bring them together or will they always feel
quite separate, as Mums do we always have two sides of us we perform/work with.
The old you and the new you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Mum guilt, the continuous feeling of feeling guilty I
shouldn't want elements of my old life back. I am human though and all the
things and freedom I once had are gone and its okay to miss them, it doesn't
mean I don't want my babe, it just means I want elements of what I had as I
liked that, I loved my life pre motherhood and post motherhood can be a bit
shit at times. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This blog was called 'just a mum' but I changed the title as
that's what I am learning, I am more than just a mum and I think the last 16
months through pregnancy and Albie I felt I became 'just a mum' maybe people
made me feel that, maybe I made myself feel that but what I am understanding is
I can change that as I am so much more than that, I am Albie's Mum and I love
being that, but I also love who I was before and underneath these layers of
first baby shock I am slowly unearthing myself and finding this new (and
possibly improved) me. </div>
<br /></div>
Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-58560423035780089422020-02-10T10:49:00.000-08:002020-02-10T10:50:36.148-08:00Where's the balance?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="text-align: justify;">Today is one of those days where I woke this morning,
smiling at life, I fed my babe, I prepped tonight's tea, I made the babes
lunch, I packed the change bag and tidied the house, I was winning. When I went
out at 12pm to my music class I was mum bossing it, I was on that high of this
mum stuff is well easy, if this is how it is, keep it coming. Then the day ends
with a huge glass of wine, my diary and a text to Sam with a blow your head emoji.
I suddenly remember how quickly it all can change. So where is the balance, how
can a day go so awol so quickly, I constantly go back to 'it's just a phase'
but sometimes 'just a phase' is bloody hard! I then remember the Monday's were I wasn't
working out the needs of a 6 month old and my biggest challenge at home was what
time to walk the dogs or what was the okay time to open the wine (with a baby
it seems anytime after 4pm is okay).</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
The highs are so high, when those highs hit I am skipping
with joy at my life, my love, my babe and my hounds. I look at that little
brood and my heart melts, I look at that wee baby and remember how much we
yearned, cried, pained and challenged ourselves for him. His beauty and innocence
and forever smiling face of how pleased he is to be here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I then feel that pang of guilt in that I miss
my old ways and 'easy' life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel bad
that I sometimes wish he was older to communicate and allow me a sense of
freedom, a sense of who I am. I then get an ounce of freedom and all I want is
to be with my babe, the balance is so screwed in my own mind, how do I get it
right or make sense of what it is I actually want. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
The days feel easier the older he gets, as my hormones in
some way calm down and a light shines as in 9wks I go back to work and work is
part of my identity, however I then feel sad to be leaving this little beam of
smiles and knowing I won't get this time again. However I can't deny I am
looking forward to be part of a team again, a team that uses my brain, my
knowledge and my expertise, bigger than the team I live in daily at the moment,
just me and my babe where my brain is used minimally and it feels very
repetitive.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It's a crazy balance,
maybe its winter that shifts these rhythms, maybe it's the newness of life with
a small human, maybe it's the wild change I am going through and wanting to
make sense of but really can't, maybe it's the change in my relationship I
didn't expect or want but trying to reset and make sense of as these two
different people, who whatever, are different to who they were 6 months ago. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
One thing I do know is that it is a phase, it will change, I
will look back and ask where has the time gone, I hold on to the magic of each
day, like when Albie laughs at me for making a silly face, or he does something
for the first time. I remember the want for this tiny human and although time
has changed and I have changed, I am growing and that's not a bad thing, we are
always developing and changing and although change can feel so unknown it can
be good. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
This whole process is unknown but I am trying to make sense
of it and as each day passes I hope I am doing the best I can and hold on to
myself in the best way possible. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I don't think finding the balance will every come easily but
trying to adjust will and one thing I have learnt about myself in the last 6
months if you can raise a baby, you can do anything! </div>
<br /></div>
Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-44462021875958309682020-01-13T09:05:00.000-08:002020-01-13T09:05:43.238-08:00and then we hit 6 months.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Not yet, but nearly, its like another point in the many
milestones of motherhood, my niece was born this weekend and it left me with all
the feels, thinking about Albie's arrival into this world and those special
moments straight after. Sam and I have spent a lot of this weekend talking
about those first few hours and the difference in what we remember and chose to
remember, there's a lot both of us have put in that box of 'things we don't
like to think about' but there's real special moments of just us and Albie that
warm my heart and make me feel such great love.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I thought Sam going back to work after Christmas was going
to be hell,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>i believed my anxiety
monster would be back in full force and everything would feel so overwhelming,
but surprisingly i have shocked myself (and Sam, i think) as it's not been too
bad. I have a little pattern now of classes we go to, friends we see, popping
into my Mum and Ron's, walking the dogs and suddenly being at home (alone)
isn't such a challenge. I don't know what's changed, if it's me, Albie or both
of us, but i suddenly feel like i know my little guy and i know what he enjoys
and what noises means he wants change. He kind of naps, but those 20-30mins
give me time to eat, drink tea, sometimes catch an episode of something and
maintain my me time, which felt so lost at the start of this journey.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
These first 6 months have been a rollercoaster, one i haven't
always enjoyed, one i wouldn't change but one i wouldn't chose to repeat
either. Having a baby is an amazing new chapter but it also closes an old one
that when i reflect i wasn't fully ready to close. Maybe if the start of our
journey with Albie had been smoother it may have been different but it wasn't
and that i am coming to terms with slowly. I am recognising that the first part
of our journey still impacts me, brand new babies are now not all squishy to
me, there new, fragile and something im okay with not fully interacting with. I
still feel tearful when i listen to my favourite playlist which was also our
labour playlist, when i hear the song Skinny Love, by Bon Iver i could be back
in that labour room, wishing something they did would help stop the pain, sadly
i still remember nothing did until 5am that morning, 5hrs after they first
administered the first epidural, it took for the 3rd one to make any impact. I
have my birth reflection on Thursday which is where you go through your birth
with a midwife, it helps process but also make sense of what happened and how
traumatic it all was. I have chose to access counselling privately as i feel
guilt at not enjoying my so longed for baby. I feel guilt that for 4/5 months i
sometimes wondered what had i done and if i could survive the rest of my
maternity leave. I feel guilty at one point i wanted to go back to work, i
wanted to be away from this world i had just created and spent 6yrs trying to
create. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
What's changed i do recognise is i am ready to talk about
this and i recognise those feelings i felt weren't only mine but so many others
too, we just don't like talking about it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Maybe this is why this 6 month mark feels easier now as i
recognise i don't want to go back to work right now, yes in time when my
maternity ends but right now i want to squeeze and giggle with Albie, i want to
be present here with him. Sometimes days are boring, dull, repetitive but i am
now starting to recognise i will never have this time again and i want to appreciate
every minute as come April i am back at work and not with my babe every day. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I have realised i need to talk about what happened and i am
ready to, it's painful and hard but it can't be locked in as it's not healthy
for me, Sam and even more Albie. I want to grow him into a child who knows
truth, speaks about his feelings, open's up and isn't misguided from the truth.
How can i grow a child into all this things if i don't look after myself and
support myself with what i have been through and what my mental health has. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
We have so many words for those feelings after birth... baby
blues, post natal depression, post traumatic stress... who knows what name i <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have experienced, does it need a name? i just
know making a baby, pregnancy, labour, birth then having a baby is a a massive assault
of shock on the body, mind and life, everything has changed and people who say
it's all okay i sadly just don't believe as how can anyone be that ready for
such an attack of hormones and just take it in their stride. I read somewhere
it takes eighteen months for those pesky hormones to calm down, well only
another year left. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Whether my playlist always makes me cry, whether Albie's
birth always brings back sadness, maybe i will always feel the guilt around how
i felt when he first arrived, maybe the truth of Albie never having a sibling
is because of how crazy this journey has been to bring him, whatever i know i
am doing my best to adjust, make sense and enjoy the final stages of maternity
leave. It's nice to know another rainbow appears and the journey feels somewhat
brighter after such a storm. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-24623876264500321912020-01-01T01:13:00.003-08:002020-01-01T01:14:36.075-08:002019 a year of reflection.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
As my babe has his early morning nap and I drink my morning
coffee it feels a perfect time to jot some words down and reflect on 2019 and what's
to come in 2020.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
It's been a wonderful year in many ways, the stream of texts
I have received sharing nothing will beat this year as Albie was born, it's a
strange one as although it was a year of greatness due to the birth of my long
awaited boy there's a deep part of me that is definitely ready to say goodbye
to 2019 and welcome 2020 with open arms. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
2019 did bring us Albie but it also brought us 7 months of
worry before he was born, questions of would we be lucky enough to get to 9
months, was this really happening for us, learning to understanding a new world
of pregnancy and saying goodbye to an old world of fertility treatment (which
yes is great but it's also all we have known for 6yrs and had defined part of
me in a lot of ways). I also held and still do guilt that we got our rainbow
baby and all my friends still in the struggle of fertility hadn't. I also
wasn't ready to forget the journey to get Albie as much as others had, it is
and was part of our journey and it isn't easy to just forget it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Albie came with a huge bang and although my honesty is hard
for others it wasn't the enjoyable few months I had imagined, he was our world
but our world also felt like it had crashed down and shattered around us and my
mental health plummeted. I never thought that would be the case for me as I
firmly believed years of trying would only bring pure happiness. I didn't cry
when he was born, I felt relief we had survived. I loved him but didn't know
him and felt very confused by what I could provide and what others expected
from me. I am still traumatised from the birth, something I so hoped wouldn't
be the case. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Albie came along
which was wonderful but the impact it had on me emotionally and physically and
on our relationship hasn't been great. I move into 2020 with plans of how to
take care of myself, I have started in the last few months writing more,
swimming, making plans for adventures and even setting some exciting new
projects up in my work ready for when I go back in April. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
As Albie has become more 'human' and not a squirmy ball of
squish I understand him, enjoy him and love him harder every day. I feel my
fierce lioness protecting him but its took time and I am not ashamed to admit
that. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I chose to write openly and honestly as I hate the lies that
parents are forced or choose to give about parenting being this 'easy ride'
this glow of perfect paternal beauty, maybe it is for some but from what I
find, when your open and honest, you allow someone else to be too and that in
itself is so empowering for Mum's but also women supporting women. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
So 2020 brings me going back to work, a change in my hours
meaning more time with Albie but also a good balance for me to find me, I have
worked hard to specialise in what I do and I am not ready to lose that, I am
more than Albie's Mum. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
It brings a holiday to Malham, Portugal, Isle of Arran,
Italy and Shambala festival and many more adhoc van adventures. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
It brings Sam sharing maternity/paternity leave and having 3
months of with our wee boy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Mostly it brings a year of focusing on us, the five of us,
our little family, we are complete now, and I am ready to embrace us as a whole
and start this year focusing on the beauty we have between us, putting 2019 to
bed and moving forward with a year full of fun and adventure. </div>
<br />
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-16276420868811414082019-10-20T12:22:00.000-07:002019-10-20T12:22:47.819-07:00The Big B’s<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Were 3 months in and what a journey, it’s taken me till now to start finding the words to share our feeding journey, it’s also taking me 3 months to firmly accept where we are with it all and how feeding looks for us. I never realised the enormity of it all and pre pregnant me would have always said ‘if he needs a bottle then I am fine with that’ even looking at that statement makes me cringe as that’s where the root of the problem starts, I am already having to defend feeding with a bottle, why wouldn’t I be fine with that? Fed is fed right, after the years of trying to conceive the last thing I would chance was not feeding my baby, seems your head does crazy things when your placed in a challenging position where you feel you should be enough. </div>
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Let’s roll back the years to 2006, when my boobs were HUGE and I made the decision to undergo <a href="http://claire-yvonne.blogspot.com/2019/05/boobies.htmli">breast reduction surgery</a> i was informed the risk to breast feeding was there but as shared previously babies were the last thing on my mind. Therefore, when falling pregnant I always knew I may not be able to breastfeed, I told myself I was okay with that and stocked up on some bottles and pre-made formula to take in my bag. If the boobs didn’t work then at least the bottle was ready, i did however have some small hope as I had been showing signs of colostrum on my nipples, however I still told myself I was okay if it didn’t work for us, my midwife didn’t seem worried either so why would we. </div>
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I have since found out I should have been referred to the specialist feeding workers for support in preparation to Albie being born. </div>
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My labour was long, that’s for another blog but an element that’s important was my labour resulted in a c section, I am told a c section can interfere with breast feeding. I am also IVF and have been going through IVF for a number of years, meaning a hell of a lot of drugs have been pumped through my body, which again can cause problems in breast feeding and then to top it all off, I had my boobs lopped off, my nipples removed and stitched back on and more than likely my milk ducts damaged, so all in all things were looking bleak.</div>
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Albie came along with a hell of a bang, labour was traumatic, I was on a lot of drugs and my jaw was constantly heading west, meaning my brain was all over the place. When Albie went to latch the first thing I said was ‘are we allowed, Sam go ask the midwife’ to which my husband did and the lovely Rhian came and helped us latch him on and guess what, he fed, I wish I remember more of this feed but sadly I don’t, I have a photo and a blurry memory but what I do remember is something came out and they were happy with how he was feeding. This carried on into the night and the next day, we were checked a few times, and all seemed well, he was feeding, I was in shock and in all honesty wasn’t finding it too difficult. </div>
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On day 3 the midwife came out, weighed him and he had gone down 13%, babies generally lose weight but it’s normally 10% max, as we had tipped over it resulted in lots of hospital appointments, harsh conversation and general frustration. The next 4 weeks turned into hell, and sadly gave us a very negative and unenjoyable first few weeks with Albie, we didn’t understand what we were doing wrong, we were doing what they asked but Albie still seemed so upset and cried a lot. We knew it wasn’t wind, reflux, colic and we were feeding him what we were being told but still had an unsatisfied babe. </div>
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The clinic had us topping Albie up with formula, at first, they wanted him topped up with breast milk, however there wasn’t enough coming out in a feed so to try and express was just draining what there was in there. The top up’s we had to give in these sippy cups which were so awful and are used with premature babies, Albie was frustrated with them and we were stressed when trying to feed him. We were giving one ‘schedule’ by the midwife, which was then scrapped by the feeding specialist, which then changed when we were giving an appointment with another woman, by week 3 we had been giving 3 different ‘schedules’ to feed our babe but a still had a very sad unhappy baby. All 3 of us were breaking, and had no idea what to do, who to listen to or what was best, we also didn’t understand what was happening and how to make it right. </div>
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When I read this back now, I scream at myself ‘HE WAS HUNGRY’ but at that point, when in the midst of it all I couldn’t work that out, maybe there was an element of ignorance, selfishness or dam right stupidity but when it actually came down to it what I realised was I didn’t want his main feed to be from a bottle, I wanted to feed my baby, I wanted to be what he needed, his nourishment, his drink, what helped him grow, I didn’t want formula to be that, I even asked Sam to call it his other milk as the word formula broke me, I felt I had failed and that word reminded me of that. </div>
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The day I knew it needed to change was when he screamed, he screamed so much, and I cried, I asked him not to cry, I begged him not to and he carried on. My Mum turned up and held us both, she asked me what I felt was wrong, I again shared I didn’t know, we were doing what the clinic was telling us but he still wasn’t happy, mother hen made me look at a number of different things, we talked, we wrote lists, we narrowed it down, we thought fuck the clinic and I made him a bottle, a big bottle and together we fed him and he stopped crying, he nestled in and he was happy, he just needed a big feed, his tummy needed to be full and sadly however hard it was to admit I hadn’t been filling him up. </div>
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From there we attended the clinic again and we told them OUR plan, we wanted to combine feed, they weren’t clapping for us but were supportive if that was our decision. </div>
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Combined feeding hasn’t worked exactly for us, but I am still booby feeding or as I call it booby snacking, it’s comfort for me and him and although there isn’t much in there there’s something for him to enjoy. Combined feeding has allowed me to have time and space, since having Albie my mental health has been like a wave and it’s not having Albie that has done that but the pressure, medical treatment and unwarranted stress that has been put on me though out our whole fertility journey. By combi feeding Sam can take over, he can feed our babe and I can do what I need to do to look after me, I reflected a lot when I struggled with the bottle and started to realise when I was happy, he was, the bottle allowed that. </div>
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I also have thought a lot about the pressure placed on women to feed, I see myself giving reasoning for why I bottle feed, explaining why I have made this choice, I then see I become part of the problem by being ashamed, I am now trying to be more proud and an advocate of bottle feeding and the benefits it can give. When did we as women become so less invaluable in this journey, motherhood is already hard enough without this other pressure, as a friend said ‘isn’t breast feeding just another way to shout women down’ powerful hey? I totally agree, if we don’t feel the guilt enough then isn’t breast vs bottle just another load right onto us. </div>
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I am 3 months into this journey now and I am proud of myself, I feel the journey of boobing will soon end and I will be sad as I do enjoy this calm feed at night, but my babe loves to sleep and due to that he misses the night time snack out. I have giving him what he needs though, and he is deciding when he wants to stop, and I will be okay with that as overall, I know I have done the best I can for him. </div>
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It took a while for me to bottle feed Albie out in public, I still don’t love it but I am better at it now, I still see judgement in others eyes but I sit tall and remember I am doing what I need to keep my baby alive and isn’t that the most important part in this whole feeding journey.</div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-1108313189180855192019-09-07T02:39:00.000-07:002019-09-07T11:19:21.922-07:00The light at the end of the tunnel. <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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As we come near to the 6wk mark of Albie I finally understand what others have said around 6wks feeling more manageable and there's definitely been a shift and change in how I am coping, crying and behaving. My labour and birth story is for another blog, when it's time and when I am ready, for now this blog is to process, focus and put some rambles down of how it's been and how unprepared I was for the emotional shift on my energy.</div>
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I haven't been diagnosed with depression but I know I have lows that can be very intense, I manage them, I have worked with them and been through years of therapy to understand them, since meeting Sam, my nest builder they haven't been as frequent, even through IVF he helped me manage those left field turns and always guided me back. As I have mentioned many times, Socks, our wonderful greyhound was also an instrumental part of keeping me well, due to these lows being so little over the last few years I never expected to feel anything but joy when Albie arrived. We had been trying for him for years and years, I had put my body through numerous rounds of IVF, medication and stress to have him, he was so wanted, of course joy was all I would feel. However how wrong I was, when I think I know myself, having a baby defiantly teaches you a lot more. </div>
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To start with Albie was 10 days over, 12 days by the time he came earth side, my labour was intense, powerful and traumatic, we then had feeding issues due to past surgery, ivf drugs and c section, meaning the first few weeks with a newborn and the mix of the above was not plain sailing. It's a 6 week recovery period from c section, I had 0 hours, I was high as a kite due to the long labour, had suddenly gone through major surgery and was then passed a baby. </div>
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We came home and the masses descended, family wanted a bit of this beautiful boy, we wanted them there but it didn't stop and when all I wanted was to be alone, I wasn't allowed as I needed to care for my boy and smile at the cooing everyone was giving him. </div>
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The continuous questions of how is he feeding, are you breastfeeding, how was the labour, does he sleep, the expectations of what you should answer, what are people wanting to hear as I knew they didn't want the whole gory truth, that's a conversation stopper right there. These questions put extra strain, pressure and stress on me, I know people didn't mean to but I was vulnerable and being bombarded with powerful questions I wasn't in a place to manage.</div>
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When the question around a 2nd child came that was the truth blower. NO FUCKING WAY. The idea of doing all of the last few years again, it astonished me people would even ask, it's like think before you say something and also my child is 2 days old! </div>
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What I had never realised was the expectation on myself, labour, feeding and being a new mum. The loss of Sam and I, who we were, the freedom of our life and our dogs this teeny being requiring everything from us. I cried a river those first few weeks at the loss of us, me and my life before Albie. I didn't for one not want him but I did at times want what I had back and realised the life we had built was great, this is the next adventure but at that moment I couldn't see to the end of the day, never mind a van holiday/festival fun. </div>
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I don't want to label what I was feeling, who knows what it was extreme baby blues, post natal depression, one of my lows, newborn struggles, a sense of failure in feeding, mum guilt, loss, selfishness, maybe all of these things but I knew my brain wasn't right and I needed to tell someone.<br />
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Sam had started to work it out, he was calm, patient and went above and beyond to support me, even when at times being firmer may have helped him. My Mum quickly sussed and wrapped her love around me and helped me see what would help and what didn't. Mum allowed me to take back what I needed from this continuous assessment from health professionals around me and Albie's weight. I started to be more open and honest with myself and when I did that, things began to change, the fog lifted and I took control over how I fed Albie and ultimately cared for him.<br />
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No one tells you about weight checks, bleeding for 6weeks, possible injections for 6wks, pain that felt like bricks weighing me down, hormones and tears that are so powerful they take over, checks done by health professionals on the worst days of 'baby blues', the input of others and feeling like my baby wasn't my own, varying information and feeling like you have to stick with the line. My confidence was knocked but when I started to believe and trust in myself and my ability as a Mum I started to take it back and motherhood became more bearable and more joyful.<br />
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No one can share the honest truth as everyone's experiences is their own but one thing's for sure is nothing prepared me for what hit me, without the support in place and having people around it may have lasted longer, I cry every few days now rather than four times a day, however I am learning about myself, my boy, my husband and my dogs, we all have needs to be met at this new time and were slowly working them out together.<br />
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What I did start to realise was a sense of relief, it was all over, no more ivf, no more fertility questions, no more tears when others fell pregnant, no more pain and suffering around will we have a baby, he was here and this challenging period of fertility was now over. Some of those river tears I cried I believe were the sense of relief I didn't have to do any of that anymore.<br />
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and no, were not having anymore. </div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-46337796651017044992019-07-20T08:54:00.000-07:002019-07-20T08:54:50.820-07:00Those in between days!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I chose to end work 4 weeks to my due date, that was 1 weeks
holiday and 3 weeks maternity, i had so many lovely plans with friends, family
and baby bits to do that i felt it was the perfect amount of time for me. The
reason for this was that i had a due date and obviously my baby was going to
come before that! OH NO!</div>
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So we have two due dates, only us! The one the Centre of
Life gave us and the one the Midwife gave us, we went with the Midwife one as
it was the earlier date (obviously) it seems that's been and gone and still no
babe, so we have moved to the next date! Due dates are something we look for
and are given as part of the pregnancy journey, when really there picked from
guestimations of dates, i was convinced ours would be more certain as were IVF,
therefore the dates are pretty spot on. I did wonder if with this egg being
frozen for a good few months would make a difference, and who knows, just like
the due date, we won't know which is the correct date, which i guess is babies
in general, constantly working out what's next and what feels right, up and
down days, but attempting to stay positive and focused.</div>
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A friend text today the mantra i needed to hear 'my baby
will come, when my baby is ready' the power in those words shifted my thinking
and made me go yep baby sure will. I have tried all the old wives tales, more
than once, i have walked and walked and walked and felt pressure like no other
but still nothing and i have today accepted that's fine, as babe is just not
ready yet. We have made some decisions of what feels right for our next steps
for that little one inside, my mental well being and Sam's sanity and feel a
nice suited plan for us 3 is being put in place. We also have our lovely dog
walker on standby for picking up our fur babies so keeping her up to date and
ensuring the pooches are cared for is a priority also. You get to a point where
for me i have to make plans and see people as being in the house drives me mad,
even more so with the Summer sun beaming down, so this week is about seeing
friends, enjoying time where i can talk and hear their news and enjoying
sunshine on my face and cake in mouth, thanking babe for giving me more space
and time to catch up with important friends and take pleasure in the company
and support they give. </div>
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There's still things for me to do here, i am putting a list
together today and if things get done, great, if they don't they will at some
point, but it's important to remember what feels right for me as if i am
unhappy surely my baby will feel that, it also feels important to let the
emotions i have pass, talk openly about them with Sam and friends and learn
what feels right. It's such a huge process i am going through and i am definitely
learning at every stage. </div>
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The waiting game especially leading up to that due date
feels a game of trickery the body is vamping up, it's doing things i don't
understand and making me feel every night labour may start, but it doesn't and
the next day i wake up and start again, listening to what she, this body of
mine wants me to know, what feels good and what doesn't but that soon something
will happen and i will know, preparation is what i feel i am being giving in
these waiting days and i am slowly holding on and making the most of it. </div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-11527389747466098142019-07-15T01:39:00.000-07:002019-07-15T01:39:36.173-07:00Maternal Healthcare - What did it look like for you?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It's been a strange process being in a 'system' of
healthcare, monitoring, recording and ticking boxes. I have never realised the
full impact of the 'pregnancy system' now i am sailing to the end of this
journey i reflect on how let down i feel by the care I have been offered and
being offered.</div>
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Since starting this fertility journey in 2015, I have
attended more appointments then i can count and have been let down, disappointed
and frustrated by so many inputs that have felt 'unhuman' at such a 'human'
time. I don't want this blog to be a bashing of health professionals as wow
there are some amazing one's out there, but what is interesting is the de
humanisation jobs become for some and the impact that then has on the people
accessing it. </div>
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The IVF process was mind blowing to us, we didn't know what
to expect, we didn't know we had choices and we went with what was giving to us
as we were so lost in a world of unknown. After every loss, explanations were
brief and information was shared that wasn't helpful or didn't make sense. I
remember one appointment being informed my miscarriage was a 'chemical
miscarriage' so wasn't classed as a 'proper' miscarriage. For someone falling
pregnant any loss is a loss, and to be informed that from a health professional
was a huge blow. This same professional informed me my surgery properly wasn't
the reason I had falling pregnant, again taking away any hope I had mustered
up. It's strange the way people feel they need to say this stuff, sometimes
some things are better left unsaid. It was from these appointments I started to
learn more about my body and really connect with what was going on with it. I
started to engage in the clinic in the way I needed too but use research as a
tool to how i could support myself, something I wrote more about that here <a href="https://claire-yvonne.blogspot.com/2018/04/how-to-try-and-grow-baby.html">How to try and grow a baby!</a>- I knew I was choosing to be in this healthcare system as we were committed
and knew the help was what we needed however I chose to challenge and do what
felt was best for me, which helped me feel I was taking control of what was
happening and contesting anything that I didn't agree or believe. </div>
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I find as i talk to others, they feel worried or scared
about doing this, going against the system of care we should be grateful for
and yes i am but actually taking a step back, this is my body and my mental
health and shouldn't i be looking after myself in all this?.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
When falling pregnant we moved into the next 'system', we
were quickly discharged from the clinic which felt scary as although they had
challenged us in some unhealthy ways there was a weird safety developed through
those appointments and that medical care. We had a scan at 7 weeks and found a
peanut sized baby and a beating heart, from there it was to the doctors and the
'normal' maternal care. I was so excited and nervous for that first
appointment, however was sadly disappointed as my midwife was tired, informed
me of this, became quite stressed at the computer and paid no attention to us
being an IVF pregnancy and any worries I held around this. Maybe there was a
lack of education, maybe there was no need to be worried or maybe I just wanted
more nurture and care at a time I was so happy but so incredibly nervous. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I left that appointment sad, let down and the excitement i
thought i would feel dissipated quickly. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
A number of years back I decided I wanted to be a midwife, I
wanted to specialise in substance misuse or young people and felt I had the
skills and care that could be offered in this role. I sadly wasn't accepted
(due to my maths GCSE) however now look back and realise the medical side would
have challenged me as what I have learnt and seen is that it is very medical in
a lot of ways. I feel I can see a new branch of care coming through from the students
I have worked with, maybe that's a varying approach or maybe it's new blood in
the job, whatever it has that care has felt warm and supportive, however there
still seems a set of procedures to tick and boxes to fill. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
One of the things I have learnt in this long journey is what
my needs are and what I want from this pregnancy, I have learnt from friends
about their experiences and this has allowed me to make informed decisions
about what I want and what feels right for me and my baby. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I don't agree we should have to just 'get on with it' as
that's what it's always been like, how many times do we hear, well you didn't
have that choice years ago, did you not or where we all just too scared to go
against a system of care that develops fear and anxiety within us. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
With being an IVF pregnancy they like to induce you at 40wks
(your due date), I knew induction wasn't something I wanted (if it could be
avoided), I therefore knew I would go to 42wks before this decision needed to
be made. The NHS guidelines are now at 41wks, however only moved from 42 a few
years back. Induction was first discussed with me very early on, my midwife
didn't give me enough solid information to make me feel it was something that
was necessary so I chose that I would refuse the 40wk induction. I am also part
of a North East birthing group and enquired on this, finding out the risk was possibly
around women over 40. I was then asked if I would like to be booked in at
41wks, which I refused and finally agreed at 42wks, with a statement of
'maternal choice' written down in my notes. What makes me frustrated around all
this is the essence induction is discussed so early, like it's become a
standard way of birthing, yes it is needed at times but do we need to be
introducing into conversation so early? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Then there's the graph, the graph of anxiety, the graph that
every women whatever shape or size you are, you have to stay on the graph and
if you don't well it's time to head to hospital for another scan (bearing in
mind this is all measured with a tape measure). I understand every doctors
surgery can't have fancy scanning machines but that line needs to lend a
little. Which I guess is why I am blogging as I feel the NHS system needs to
become flexible with women's rights and needs around birthing. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I spoke to a friend recently and she asked if it's okay for
me to have all these wants from my birth, I was astonished that in 2019 we
still aren't fully informed or aware, that the birth is our birth, ours and our
babies, meaning it's our choice how it happens as it's one of the most powerful
experiences we will go through, it's the first journey you do together mother
and child, shouldn't that therefore be your choice. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Conversations are hard and what i have learnt is that
EVERYONE has an opinion, you take what you want, you chose what feels best,
there's no right or wrong as it's what's right for you, but for me it feels
this intrinsic sense of the NHS guidelines isn't always right and we should be
encouraged to be flexible and not always feel we are harming our babies by not
ticking the boxes. I drank wine throughout my pregnancy, the odd glass when i
wanted it from the 2nd trimester, i ate soft cheese and runny eggs. I went to
gigs, i walked miles and miles in Scotland on holiday, i taught yoga from day
dot, i carried things around, i slowed down when my body told me too but i
lived my life the way it felt right. I chose not to tell my midwife as i told
her one thing and the concern on her face made me stop instantly. It's what's
right for you and none of the above maybe but for me i knew what my body
needed/wanted and what made me happy and surely if i am happy my baby is. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I feel lucky to be educated through friends and my own
reading, I have taken a lot from instagram accounts such as Olivia at <a href="https://www.thebirthrising.com/">The Birth Rising</a> and
Emma at <a href="http://www.mamalina.co/">Mamalina</a> around
going slow, listening to your body and your birth rights. I have also been
influenced by some incredible friends, by their honest sharing and empowering
birth stories, there talking has allowed me direction in my own pregnancy and
hopefully allowing me to make the right decision's for myself and my growing
family. </div>
<br /></div>
Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-52477636479126096372019-06-09T09:33:00.001-07:002019-06-09T09:34:24.694-07:00How excited are you?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's a question I keep getting asked and rightly so, why
wouldn't folk, the thing we have wanted for so long is happening, am I excited
though, it really is a hard question to answer.</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I like to be honest, I am not one of those people who just
says yes, as that's what people want to hear, so when asked if I am excited I respond with honesty
and say I am not sure, worried, scared are definitely some of the feelings that
feel more apt. I certainly now understand when friends have suffered from baby
blues and postnatal depression why they haven't shared it, as from being
pregnant there is an expectation a pregnant women should be excited. </div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I feel excited buying bits for baby's arrival, preparing the
nest, feeling them move and thinking of the experiences were going to have
together as a family. What worries me though is the change to come, this change
everyone likes to tell me about from their experience. I worry about the change
in my relationship with my doggies, which yes, I know will change but I feel sad
that it will as these dogs have helped me survive at the hardest of times. I
feel sad at the change in my relationship with Sammy, how moody I am with
indigestion, peeing loads and feeling heavy, so when I am tired, sleepless and
being a milking machine I know I aint going to be the best laugh in town. I
have been so use to the little family I have created and the expectation of
never having children that to suddenly be ready feels a bizarre and unknown
feeling. I guess one I have to admit I am not sure how excited I am for. </div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
9 months off, for some reason I won't call it maternity and
make the joke of it being a sabbatical, what this is about I am not sure, but
there's something deep rooted in me that doesn't want to be just a Mum and
maternity leave feels so unknown to my identity it's like I can't connect fully to
what's about to happen. I am definitely trying to enjoy these last few months of
pregnancy, my anxieties have passed now and I do know this baby is going to
arrive, however it just being my life (without work) for 9 months feels strange and
scary and something I don't know how you ever prepare for.</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
You have an identity that changes over the years and i know mine changed when it came to fertility, now being pregnant, something won't let me
forget that journey, i am proud of how far i have come and holding this
pregnancy feels surreal, i am trying to be prepared for the next change, my identity will change,
how can it not, i guess i just don't know how ready i am and feel sad saying
goodbye to the one i have built during my fertility journey. </div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Anyone going through their own journey, i don't wish to not
have this pregnancy, i am so overwhelmed it's happened for us, i don't want to
sound selfish or ungrateful as i am not, its my own process of change i am
trying to understand, and in all this change is happening all around me and i am
slowing learning how to move with it. </div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So with 5.5wks until due date i will be going slow, moving
with gentle flow and making the most of these last few weeks with my bump.
Change is a coming and i am looking forward to it (just with a hint of trepidation). </div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-8513071933976462632019-05-03T08:55:00.000-07:002019-05-03T08:55:39.619-07:00Boobies!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
God I love them, I always have, mostly other people's but in the last 13yrs (to be exact) my own too. I can't remember the exact age I started developing but I know it felt too soon, there's certain points in your life you remember, a booby point of mine being my Mum arguing with a women in Marks and Spencer about the size of my back and me being mortified but also knowing my Mum was doing what was right for me, plus Mum's know best and she was buying them! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
These boobs of mine started growing and basically have never stopped, at my biggest I was a HH and if I am honest at the moment, I have no idea what size I am measuring at, but I am guessing a G cup.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My boobs at times have been my greatest asset, you can't complain when you're hitting the big market at 16 (sorry Mum) and getting in places as obviously big boobs meant no id. They became my identity as I started to explore relationships with the other sex and felt a 'huge' part of who I was. I guess for me they offered me something when I wasn't the most attractive, I look back now and recognise how little I felt inside but how big on the outside. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My view started to change about my boobs when a few things happened, from somewhere I got the nickname of a 'weeble' you know those toys that wobble back and forward but never fall down, yep that's what I was likened too. It never made sense to me as if anything I was top heavy not bottom. I remember a flatmate and her bf once putting my bra on their heads and thinking this would be funny, yeah great joke. I also remember wanting a nice top for a night out and nothing fitted, I was 18/19 and struggling to find an outfit as my massive straps were always on show, back and shoulders. There were many incidents like this but a huge change was when I started working with young people in a youth offending role and I became known as 'the worker with the massive tits' at this point I decided I needed a change and made the decision to visit my doctors. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I recognise I am not the only women with big boobs, a huge factor for myself was that I was a HH on the front but only a 30 on the back, hence my Mum's argument in Marksy's as they always wanted me in a 32, resulting in another failed bra purchase. This meant at the early age of 20 my back was constantly in pain and I was definitely top heavy, every bra fitter would be astonished at my back to boob size, at times I felt on show for others to see.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My doctor was fantastic, she listened, supported and sent the letter recommending a reduction, I remember that appointment like it was yesterday, my Mum came with me and supported me it was a difficult discussion but we agreed if it was what I wanted she would be there for me. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In 2006 at the age of 23 I underwent a bilateral breast reduction, I remember the surgeon stating on reduction he would take them to a size that would still suit my body, however there were risks a main one being breast feeding, due to the resizing of the breast and nipple the milk ducts and nerves could be cut and damaged. At 23 this was so far from my mind, feeling happier in my body was my main goal. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The surgery went well, they removed 655 grams from each breast, and left me at a FF cup, this may still sound big but it was the extra weight that changed, my boobs now sat where they were meant to and not down at my waist. My back felt lighter and I didn't feel like I needed to wear a hammock to hold myself in. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Sadly I did become unwell after surgery and developed an abscess in my left breast, I won't talk about this too much as I still don't regret my surgery, but the abscess left me very unwell and they way the treated the abscess was in my eyes barbaric and left extra scarring on my left breast. As you can imagine Mama bear was not happy and she sure let them know. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My surgery didn't just change my physical body but also where I was in that time of my life, my relationship, my goals and my passions, it opened up so much with this new self confidence and new sense of self. What I realised was I had been so lost and trapped and suddenly I felt free again, free to explore, understand and connect. I did just that with a lot of up and downs but with a satisfaction I was happy and finding me.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Recently that connection with my body and these boobs has come up again due to being pregnant, I realised breast feeding was something I hope to be able to do and if I am honest, always believed I would be able too. A few months back I went into a mild state of panic realising this may be impossible and I admit I became sad, annoyed and questioned if my surgery was selfish and wrong. As always discussing it with Sammy and giving myself space to think allowed me to reflect on the obvious, this time last year a pregnancy didn't feel possible so boob or no boob my babe will still be loved and certainly fed, breast or bottle. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This ever changing relationship we have with our bodies over various periods of our lives is constant and I know will carry on, I have had signs booby feeding maybe possible, how much who knows. I watch them change in this pregnancy and possibly take on a new role in my life but whatever we have been through there's no denying my boobs have moulded and shaped so much of me and will carry on doing so. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have toyed with sharing my before and after pre op photos and have made the decision not to, there impressive I tell you, but for personal and professional reasons i feel putting my boobs online isn't a great idea. In that I decided no photo's were necessary, it's the words that count and well, there my boobs that have been looked at enough! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-20830479285232827792019-03-14T03:48:00.000-07:002019-03-14T03:48:21.267-07:00What's really in our control?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Do I allow myself to recognise what I have been through,
still going through and how that impacts on me now. People feel this journey
has ended for us, because we are now pregnant, I am a Mum now and Sam a Dad so
why would we worry, haven't we got what we wanted? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
What I have to come to
realise is with pregnancy there comes a whole host of worries and I think at
this stage I feel more anxious now then I ever have. Of course there are days
of pure magic and enjoyment but reality can really hit at times and until this
baby is in my arms will I ever fully believe that I am a Mum. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I work in mental health, I know anxiety, I have always suffered
with low mood off and on through my 20's but anxiety didn't hit, it creeped in
when IVF started and it's a monster hard to extinguish. This week has been
incredibly difficult and I had the realisation on Tuesday afternoon (when my
Mum told me I looked pale) that I was feeling pale, washed out and tired. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Since
IVF started in Oct 2017 it's been go go go, that's either the pressure <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>around a cycle, that two week wait to see if
we had conceived or moving through the process of recovery after a failed cycle
but also attempting to create a life that wasn't ruled by IVF. This week I
suddenly realised life wasn't ruled by injections and fertility treatment, I
was now a pregnant women, working, planning and taking on her final few months
before motherhood arrived, however this then led me on the next worry path of
labour and breastfeeding, two things people talk to me about so much however
both being something I need to think about due to the possibility of early
induction being advocated and the risk of not being able to breastfeed due to
me having a breast reduction when I was in my early 20's. The internet is a
beauty at times but also a total bitch, it has held both these elements for me
this week and I have felt myself slowly sinking into a pit of worry and
uncontrollable emotion. Sammy shared last night he could see I was worried but I
had to remember this time last year we didn't think we would ever have a baby
so whatever happens our baby will be loved and that's what's important, not if
it breastfeeds or is born through medical intervention.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
It made me think, what can I control and what can't I?
Something I am sat heavily with today. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">How I emotionally
respond to our pregnancy.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
People keep telling me how excited I should be, don't get me
wrong I am excited, how could I not be. I do feel <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I
can control </b>what comes in and what goes out, therefore I feel <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I can control</b> what I take on, if it
doesn't feel helpful I may not respond but that's because I haven't found being
told how I should feel is helpful. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">How much internet use
I take on board. <o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I think from today I am going to disable certain apps on my
phone, I do this now and again but feel I am procrastinating a lot and getting
involved in a lot of spaces that may not be useful for me or my mental health
at this moment. So <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I can control </b>what
I allow myself to be involved in on the internet and social media.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">An element of my
birth.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
With being an IVF pregnancy it is suggested your induced at
39wks due to the risk of still birth, the information around this isn't clear
and my midwife hasn't pushed it so I have decided against it as I don't believe
the evidence I have read and believe it's focused more on over 40's. However if
I do need to be induced this maybe <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">out
of my control</b>, however <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">what I can
control</b> is the environment, I plan to have essential oil's in the room, to
be moving and using yoga/active birth methods and hopefully using water, my
birth is totally out of my control but the environment I am in can to the best
of my ability be <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">in my control</b>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Breastfeeding.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
When I was younger I had boobs that were so big, my back
hurt, my career was impacted and I was known as 'Claire with the massive tits'.
I changed this when I had a breast reduction in my early 20's, breast feeding
at the time was not on my radar and although I was told of the possible impact
it wasn't important to me at this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I have read a lot around this on the internet and many women
successfully breast feed in some way, this maybe combined feeding but they do
manage to get some milk to feed. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">What I
can't control </b>is if I can breastfeed, I will only know this when my baby
arrives, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">what I can control </b>is what I
do to attempt to support breast feeding, it will be hard, using
expressing/pumping will become part of my daily routine after feeding (if
possible) and continuous skin to skin for the first few days and holding babe
to breast to help stimulate milk production (if any is coming through). It may
look different to what I expected but it feels important for me and our baby
and therefore <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I can't control what
happens </b>but <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">can attempt to control</b>
how I support my body in enabling this happening. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">How I look after
myself.<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I work as a Counsellor with young people impacted by
domestic, sexual and historic abuse, I have realised I am taking on a lot and
have plans to make some changes from the end of this month, freeing up another
day a week for me, babe (and the dogs). I can look at what my weekends include
and do what feels good for me, walking, resting, knitting, nature, being with
good people. We have a few holidays planned which feels exciting and relaxing, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I can control </b>what I allow into my life
to feel good for me and my soul. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
This week has taken on a level of emotional tiredness and
has hit my like a bolt out of the blue, as I write this the sun shines in
through my bedroom window, women's hour plays in the background, my manager
just told me to take the day to rest (when I rung into work) and my husband
just text telling me he loves me. My head maybe a bit wobbly but how I move
through this life is a lot in my control and writing helps me remember that. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-11365944366165813702019-03-10T01:24:00.000-08:002019-03-10T03:02:01.393-07:00You won't be doing that?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Becoming pregnant has been an interesting transition for
myself, how quickly others experiences of parenthood become your own (with or
without choice) and how suddenly the life you once lived your told will change
forever and you won't be able to do as you did before.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
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My first thought around this is, of course life is going to
change, our life's changed 2yrs ago when daily injections, internal
examinations, limited travel, timings of holidays and taking trigger shots in
theatre toilets became our life. Our life has been limited to a lot of things
since IVF started, it's not just changing as were now pregnant. I think
sometimes people miss this point, my trying to conceive journey hasn't been
like yours, life has been self limiting for some time now. </div>
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After another cancelled holiday, and missing out on a good
friends wedding (zika virus country) we decided it was time a home on wheels entered our lives and we decided to purchase a campervan, Betty joined our lives, we cleared her, cleaned her and built her into a camper fit for 2 cosy people and a rather large dog. We knew a van was something we had wanted for some time and always knew camping and vanning would be part of our (hopefully kids life) so decided if IVF was stopping our adventures well at least with the van we could still be free just more UK based. We have had two wonderful Springs and Summers in the van and plan to fit another Spring time adventure before the babe is due. </div>
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I have been informed i won't want to be away in my van when the babe comes, festivals are a thing of the past and being outdoors is so much harder that its not worth it. Maybe all these things are true for others but for us, it's part of who we are, does that just vanish when another life joins my world. I hope not as this identity thing is gonna crash again big time! </div>
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Experience is interesting, valid at times but also self limiting, what's one person's experience doesn't have to be another's. I remember one year being away in our tent in Pembrokeshire and next to us were 3 families, NCT friends who all had come together with their babes, to camp/van out on the coast. As we spoke to one family she shared why would you not bring your little's here, if there crying inside they may as well be outside. That baby was teeny and since then we have met other families doing the same, isn't there an ingrained part of you that just attempts to carry on and show your babe the things you love?</div>
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I understand that's not easy for us all, post natal depression, baby blue's, single parenting, whatever the reason sometimes life does stop you enjoying the old part of you but for me, if i can, i hope i do as at times i can feel others opinions graining down on me and questioning is it okay to take my babe away in the van when there this little?</div>
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There are so many instagram accounts i follow, living this outdoor life with little's and they inspire me daily to do the same here are some of my favourites: <a href="http://www.mamalina.co/camping-with-a-newborn-1/">Mamalina</a> - ethical way of living and exploring, <a href="https://www.instagram.com/the.memory.collector/">The Memory Collector</a> - my wonderful friend Lauren, taking Europe by storm with her two wild and wonderful boys, <a href="http://www.junkaholique.com/search/label/camping">Junkaholique</a> - Armetis and her camper, caravan and bell tent, exploring the UK with her two babes, <a href="https://www.instagram.com/solsearchers/">Solsearchers</a> - a new find to me but a lovely family away with their new born babe exploring Spain. There are some of my very good friends also Nelli, Beth and Clare taking on camping holidays and festivals by storm. Clare is even taking her 2 boys to Glastonbury this year, so jealous! </div>
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Were hoping when babe does arrive a 10 day trip around the lakes in Sept, meeting friends (Beth, Cian, Jacob and their new babe) and many small weekends more local in the wilds of Northumberland. </div>
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So whatever your adventure (or not) maybe don't push what your experience of parenthood is, it maybe like that for you and others but the more you say it out loud the more it becomes the opinion of all. There's a number of parents out there living the adventurous life we wish for and maybe i will eat my words but for now it's keeping me going, making me excited and allowing motherhood not to seem so all consuming. </div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-9656591416439534002019-01-18T08:51:00.003-08:002019-01-18T08:52:17.551-08:00IVF through Instagram<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I went to a wedding in September, as weddings go, you chat, drink and get to know the other guests. I soon got chatting to a wonderful lady and very quickly we realised our paths were similar and our journeys as challenging as each others. This new friend asked if I had an insta account, to which I replied 'of course' only to then realise she meant around fertility. It's something I have never thought about, over the years I have added and removed people from my personal account due to not wanting others to know we were going through IVF, with this option suddenly available opportunities seemed endless in who I could follow and ask questions without the intrusion of others. </div>
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With no time to spare I set up an account finding_my_fertility and searched away on insta, finding a wealth of communication and support. It also allowed me to stay in contact with others and my new friend, following her journey without the necessary intrusion of constantly asking. I suddenly learnt there was a huge network of women out there suffering but sharing through the power of social media. A world where family and friends didn't know, but actual people understanding and making sense of this painful journey we were all on. </div>
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I started to share thoughts, feelings, medication, me going through my ivf journey, the rawness of injections and medication, what helped and my blogs where I wrote about this fertility journey. It felt powerful and gave me a freedom that I hadn't felt I had, my voice was heard and understood, the joy in that. </div>
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It wasn't long after starting the account I then found out I was pregnant, which if I am honest was difficult for me, the pregnancy came with joy but my lack of support and honesty was my difficulty. I had shared the account with a few friends and suddenly didn't want them to find out through this forum. I therefore took some radio silence or insta silence to decide what I wanted to do. </div>
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I wasn't sure when or if I wanted to share our pregnancy on social media, I was asked by a few people if I would share and I went back and forth with yes and no. When that 2nd scan came and we were giving the all clear it just suddenly felt right, the need to be proud and not hide this, show the world that when it comes to fertility challenge people do get pregnant. So after sharing on my personal act I decided to also share on my fertility one, with the warning of a sensitive post. </div>
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Moving forward what I have decided is that I don't want the account to become redundant now I am pregnant, it's power brought me so much, however I understand the sensitivity in others who firstly joined the account with it being a trying to conceive account, i understand if any of these wish to unfollow. </div>
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With this remake I have give it a new name <a href="https://www.instagram.com/pugs_not_storks/">pugs_not_storks</a> as the most common thing I hear is getting our pug puppy is what brought the energy into the home for our pregnancy. I hope to share parts of my pregnancy into motherhood, so it contains the whole journey, from conception to babyhood then into motherhood. </div>
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If you want to follow I have now opened it up for all accounts <a href="https://www.instagram.com/pugs_not_storks/">pugs_not_storks</a> , enjoy!</div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-47165207492298940832019-01-18T03:40:00.003-08:002019-01-18T03:40:55.572-08:00Baby Austin <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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10th Nov 2018, the day we found out. 3years and 8months we have been waiting to hear this news and when we saw those 2 lines, we couldn't believe it. I convinced myself I was miscarrying, obviously that's why the positive line was so light, however over that weekend it grew darker and by our blood test Monday, we were confirmed a strong positive, with our HCG levels high. Finding out your 'officially' pregnant in the middle of Newcastle city centre was never my dream but hey, none of this has been. </div>
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We first decided to try to bring a mini Austin into this world at the start of 2015, we assumed within 6 months I would be brimming with pregnancy and by Christmas we would be 3. How wrong could we have been, never did I expect this to be our journey and never did I expect how others would react or how I would react to others. </div>
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From the start we have heard news of new pregnancies, even 2nd pregnancies, at times it has been hard, however I never wanted my journey to impact on my friendships with others, the importance of friendship is so strong to me and it's not disposable because someone has something I don't. The reality was that they didn't have something I wanted though, that was their baby, not mine and although I hoped to have a baby, I hoped for my babe, life I would bring into the world. I did sometimes need space from friends, but never felt the need to tell them as I didn't want to deflect from the experience they were having, as one day I believed I would have that experience and I hoped it wouldn't be taken from me. </div>
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When I did fall pregnant, my first thought was of my friends on similar journey's, we even shared with some of them before family members. I don't know what the right way is to tell someone, some friends text was the only option, but to those where I could I did my best. I had a discussion with a friend at work who informed me to stop worrying and to focus on what's happened for us, this incredible news, this heartbreaking journey finally coming to an end, that's what I needed to focus on and not how everyone else reacts as that's their reaction and I can't control that. </div>
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We got a scan at 7wks and waiting for that heartbeat was terrifying, we had both convinced ourselves nothing would be there, but it was and there on the screen was a teeny teeny peanut sized baby, healthy and growing well. As you can imagine, tears came and we both knew this was happening, it was real. Our 12wk scan felt even worse and although i could see my body changing i realised that anxiety monster still creeped in and made me worry this could all be a dream or suddenly a very awful nightmare. That anxiety monster was soon kicked into touch when there in front of us was our babe, upside down and not wanting to lie still for the scan. That overwhelming feeling of it's okay was just wonderful and we happily starred at those scan pictures with smiles bigger then Christmas.</div>
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It took us endometriosis surgery, 1 miscarriage, 4 counselling sessions, 2 rounds of IVF, 3 transfers, 2 failed transfers, my heart dropping dangerously low twice in and after egg collection, many £'s spent on acupuncture, fertility books, supplements and fertility herbs, tears to fill a river and hope after hope being destroyed. It was our 2nd IVF round but our 2nd transfer in that round, all embryo's were graded the same however the first chose not to stick, this 2nd transfer decided it wanted to hang around, i went to work, i drank some wine and even went to a gig, i chose to not stop living as if it was going to stay it didn't matter what i did. </div>
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This journey hasn't been easy and although we have remained strong at times we have been broken however have held each other and shifted through the storm, believing in ourselves and what we hoped for. Sailing our good shop Albion as always. </div>
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We always attempted to see a positive and in the years of trying to conceive we bought a house, converted a van, got a dog, then another dog, took many holidays, moved jobs, both got a promotion and made new friends who have become some of the strongest round us. I don't believe everything happens for a reason but I do believe we didn't fall pregnant in 2014 as there was so much to happen in between that time and all that stuff has made us strong, committed and more in love.</div>
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July 18th... baby Austin is due and we can't bloody wait to meet you, we have been waiting for some time! </div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-8736236218283640522018-10-23T03:32:00.000-07:002018-10-23T03:32:48.669-07:00What's my identity?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I am not sure if this question, or a similar style of
question is what has been running through my mind recently, but I have had so
many conversations with friends who are mothers and the challenge that lies
under that identity.</div>
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For me becoming a mother was all I wanted from being young,
it was something I dreamed of and was often warned, (told) don't get pregnant,
my Mum even had me on the pill at 15 to ensure I was kept 'safe'.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was also something I identified in becoming
when I was in my 30's, married with kids, that's what it's about, yeah? The
longer this journey takes me the more I see my mind move through such varying
ways of identifying myself,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>women are
seen as mothers, it's a question asked as ultimately that's what we assume
women become, for me though I am learning I fight with my identity all the time
and have done for many years, I feel I have so many identities and at times
which one I want to be under is hard to define, but for me that identity of
mothership has changed and just being a mother is one I have realised I am so
much more then. </div>
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I know this identity searching started a long time ago,
however <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>when I decided to get married,
becoming Claire Austin wasn't an easy choice and took some time for me to drop
Winship and take on Austin. My main argument being a) why should I take his
name<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>b) Winship is so much better then
Austin <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>c) I didn't want to be just someone's
wife and d) Claire Winship was my identity, I didn't feel like I knew who
Claire Austin was. I remember discussing this with my Mum and she reflected
back 'how happy have you been as Claire Winship?' powerful hey? I really sat
with this and thought of the challenges being Claire Winship has brought, the
unhealthy relationships, the lack of direction, the continuous power challenge
with myself (and the world), the years of counselling and many other dark
periods. I sat with this for some time and decided becoming Claire Austin
didn't feel so bad, I was taking on a new identify, I was becoming a wife but
also Claire Winship still lived within me and no matter what she wouldn't
vanish but maybe feel more comforted and safe with this stronger Claire in
control.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So that was that I made the
decision to change my name, then to top it Sam found a rose called the Claire
Austin rose and well the deal was done then. </div>
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Becoming Claire Austin, definitely meant Claire Winship was
left behind and I guess in some ways she needed be, my lack of responsibility
and actually giving a fuck wasn't good, I was lost in a world of partying, sex
and unhealthy relationships and slightly broken underneath it all. The years of
my 20's were some of my best, memories of dreamy worlds and nonstop energy, but
also I put my body and mind through so much, it needed time to calm and heal. I
moved into a slower pace, learnt to craft and explore and stop partying so
hard, I qualified in my diploma and started working more in specialist areas, taking
control of my career. I started to think of what I wanted next and how these
next years would flow, motherhood feeling stronger and being one of these
factor.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have learnt the longer this
fertility journey continues the more I realise the change in my view of
motherhood, maybe motherhood will happen soon, maybe it won't but I know I
carry worries around it all, worries I didn't have 3.5yrs ago. I know with pregnancy
not happening I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>have chose to focus on other
things and selfish as that may seem, things like my career, social life and
holiday life are things I don't want to change now, when motherhood does happen
I want my life to still be able to incorporate all the things I love and have
worked bloody hard for. These things now identify me and I love being identified
as, the sexual violence counsellor, dog owner, van goer, festival maker, yogi, I
know I can keep all these, but I guess I feel there will be some changes and I
just don't know how willing I am to make those changes . </div>
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I also know I feel something towards friends who I feel have
lost their identity since becoming a Mum or becoming pregnant, I struggle to
connect and maybe that's because it's a world I am not part, understand of or
maybe it's just sadness how lost we get in social structures of how we should
behave. Whatever it is, things change and if I am honest, sometimes I just wish
they didn't have too! </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Benni 2009</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Malham 2017</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Beach Partying 2015</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidTqTlM3rIexZ_2bsZUrOnWZ8c0IZPjWbjD2f3WWbtmGXnIfLPWqjOedrbrlogW9xqeEc3dFuxhbiPahL055_CdaDz7EsANKeILNluqn7Wg0_hZqzj6ScFoLaosLcIVsT4FjsT9v6Fb7Oo/s1600/Glasto.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidTqTlM3rIexZ_2bsZUrOnWZ8c0IZPjWbjD2f3WWbtmGXnIfLPWqjOedrbrlogW9xqeEc3dFuxhbiPahL055_CdaDz7EsANKeILNluqn7Wg0_hZqzj6ScFoLaosLcIVsT4FjsT9v6Fb7Oo/s320/Glasto.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Glasto 2013</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9OH7iuoU3HYnvfxtV5j37FWC5pDC1gD59z0rIVRBYwgLVIk43pmaKWMq0IO_BlyNQm7efJlSAvhsU_-tIQSNSw7sZEn_LI8FwU2Eslkay8fXxELnun68CshbykJQd2goU50QCYLOfyRTh/s1600/Travel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9OH7iuoU3HYnvfxtV5j37FWC5pDC1gD59z0rIVRBYwgLVIk43pmaKWMq0IO_BlyNQm7efJlSAvhsU_-tIQSNSw7sZEn_LI8FwU2Eslkay8fXxELnun68CshbykJQd2goU50QCYLOfyRTh/s320/Travel.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bali 2014</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeD2hCgPCLefYRnS_XTToYQk06ZvnuKclKhuP321d3qgcf6FeD79Ch6UiT-WqdO-jWZ68uCjtuMU7ihaBrUREUs0mMfWvUzYXRjbkGQwpFrMx-h0TQ8GmlvCzcRlKgq06lAgM-NDPt8dHk/s1600/Libertines.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="720" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeD2hCgPCLefYRnS_XTToYQk06ZvnuKclKhuP321d3qgcf6FeD79Ch6UiT-WqdO-jWZ68uCjtuMU7ihaBrUREUs0mMfWvUzYXRjbkGQwpFrMx-h0TQ8GmlvCzcRlKgq06lAgM-NDPt8dHk/s320/Libertines.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Leeda fest 2010</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjecFdfndevuFtrprdvZiQBAJ7LbZVVYP-l8g7U9YVbwSArZSA6ESHP8ss83Tf-LMzMFlxmeH1JdtDNXd8SLLP4x-QocTJ_fJKdvGwiYZF7kxhT0YdfT72ZYThhvMOIO0utxiZ9-wOcxbhR/s1600/Me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="604" data-original-width="453" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjecFdfndevuFtrprdvZiQBAJ7LbZVVYP-l8g7U9YVbwSArZSA6ESHP8ss83Tf-LMzMFlxmeH1JdtDNXd8SLLP4x-QocTJ_fJKdvGwiYZF7kxhT0YdfT72ZYThhvMOIO0utxiZ9-wOcxbhR/s320/Me.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Toonside 2009</td></tr>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-50495795865018756842018-09-25T14:14:00.000-07:002018-09-25T14:14:48.423-07:00What does your family look like?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It's interesting, people's perception of what a family is
and what it should look like... I wonder if asked how many of us would include
kids in that.. as you all know our family doesn't contain kids, will it? who
knows, it does contain a curly haired southerner, a long dog and me! This
family of mine I have been trying to grow for a few years now, it's not
happening in the way we hoped and since then a dog and a van has entered our
lives, to which others have also asked 'are you sure' - how do we know when
were ever sure what's the right thing... how many life events do we fall into
and are we ever sure? </div>
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We have decided to grow our family a bit more and have made
the decision to get another dog, a puppy... before we announce too much we have
to go meet the little squirt and puppify the house. The few people we have told
have responded with some rather random things.. the main being 'ARE YOU SURE?'
- <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>however the really interesting one
being how big a commitment it is and how will Socks cope. The psychology of
this makes me laugh as surely that baby were trying for is a bigger deal then a
puppy?!?! Of course, I don't deny a puppy will be hard work but the reality of
the question in terms of why is an odd one to me, as why not? In comparison out
of the two why is a puppy such a big deal but a baby isn't - that's an exciting
deal. Then the 2nd worry of how Socks will be, jealous, left out, not cared
for. How many of us think any of these things when it comes to a 2nd child?
Does anyone say 'are you sure' or is it met with congratulations and
excitement, surely two kids is bigger than two dogs, however comments aren't
made and comparisons aren't shared as producing children is just what we do
right? well for some! growing a family of kids is 'normal' but dogs - well
that's just a big deal. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirNfxE-I4RAhL8HJo0qa1IclAjHNZoYKB5cxDhg_89B3EVEKcJvu1MdrpcgOCnF0JtRx00af418l258x5AcdoI_Ri8l2_07jT-0zp_9EohpxHe0j3TBk9CjSMxNwiX7tvNF5xp2UHL9ppa/s1600/Dog+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="294" data-original-width="420" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEirNfxE-I4RAhL8HJo0qa1IclAjHNZoYKB5cxDhg_89B3EVEKcJvu1MdrpcgOCnF0JtRx00af418l258x5AcdoI_Ri8l2_07jT-0zp_9EohpxHe0j3TBk9CjSMxNwiX7tvNF5xp2UHL9ppa/s320/Dog+1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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Sam and I may never have kids, our family may only be us and
our dogs (and chickens), it's not the family I thought we would have, but it's
one I love and gives me so much joy and pleasure. Were an odd little bunch we
know that, but we love that. Were not where we expected, were far from it but
we adjust and manage that. Where not always jubilant when we hear the news of
another baby being born, were a bit broken underneath and sometimes it's too
hard to find that piece of the jigsaw to celebrate, we get there but we know
our family right now doesn't have that, and it hurts that we don't, we muster
through, glue ourselves back together and heal. It's lovely seeing families
grow, I am so happy other's don't always have to go through what were going
through and can grow in the way they hoped. </div>
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My family though, it's growing differently and just because
it's leftfield to what others assume it should, doesn't mean it provides
anymore comment or shock, this is how were choosing to grow it and you know
what... its making us dead happy! </div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-52051587748328520612018-08-15T05:28:00.002-07:002018-08-15T07:05:30.048-07:00Hill Fort Camping - a trip into Stumble Head<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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We took our usual Summer trip to Wales this year, it was as
always wonderful and the weather was great, we went to two new campsites this
year and I was blown away by one that I have decided to blog solely about this
site. </div>
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A few years ago, 6 in fact we took a trip to a wild and
wonderful campsite in Dorset, we had found out about it on a blog and I
remember feeling such joy at the sharing of it, I chose to then to blog myself
about it <a href="http://claire-yvonne.blogspot.com/2013/07/jims-camping.html">Jim's Camping</a> and even now it's my most popular blog written, finding these hidden
treasures is so important and the sharing of them is even greater (Sam feels
otherwise, he likes to keep them to just us, ha).</div>
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Each year we attempt to take on another part of the
Pembrokeshire Coast Trail, we knew we were going back to our usual haunt of Caerfai
Bay, so decided to split the journey by staying at Strumble Head as our 2nd
stop. Strumble Head is another wonderful part of the coastal path situated in North
Pembrokeshire and is known for its rocky landscape and famous lighthouse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both friends and family had trekked this part of the trail last year and shared it's beauty so it was an obvious stop for us.<br />
Sadly in
serious of actual twists and turns I managed to dislocate my ankle so didn't
manage to walk any of the coastal path, so my time in Stumble Head was spent
mostly at the campsite which wasn't so bad with the sun shining and our aces
camp spot. I managed a smile climb and got a couple of shots of the views.</div>
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<a href="http://hillfort-tipis.co.uk/">Hill Fort Tipi's</a> is a greener camping club member, which
means a number of the facilities must meet certain standards. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hill
Fort is a national trust land (I believe) and only allows a certain number of
campers to stay, each spot is secluded and feels your wild camping. There is
the option to stay in the larger field where kids usually stay so they can play
together. As you can imagine we took a spot far away from everyone and spent 3
days only seeing Katie and Johnny (the owners of the Campsite). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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We had our new awning to play with also,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>we were so pleased with it and it worked
great for allowing us to have shade and sun, Socks took the opportunity to laze
the day away under it also. We had decided we wanted a different awning to
normal campervan one's and knew we wanted a festival style, tent like awning. <a href="https://www.cloudhouses.net/">Cloudhouses</a> were great at delivering just that and it has a hint of purple,
everything needs purple. </div>
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Johnny and Katie the owners of the campsite were awesome,
individual and very sociable, but great hosts, looking after my swollen ankle,
bringing wood when needed and being on hand to help with food, walking, local
information. </div>
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Before my ankle went we did manage to climb one of the
hill's and watched sunset up the top, it was spectacular seeing the landscape
in front of us and enjoying the views. On the evening we enjoyed fires in the fire pit provided and ate al fresco at the home made tables. It was just a perfect few days and have already planned to go back next year, this time with a bit more walking. </div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-57934765448263195752018-07-10T04:49:00.000-07:002018-07-10T04:50:52.364-07:00Who Supports Who in this Journey? <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Tommy's the baby charity has released a new campaign #TogetheForChange it's an incredible campaign and covers a number of areas around baby loss. Some I can connect with and some I can't, however I feel the importance of the campaign is finding what helps for you and what supports you. </div>
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As I have shared previously, we miscarried, early over a year ago now, since then we have had small signs of pregnancy, but again they haven't resulted in a full term pregnancy so again we move through more loss, something, for whatever reason isn't working and the result in this is us not having what we want and hope to become. Sam and I are strong in how we work through this, there are hard days, we don't always show them to others but we manage and cope in our own way and that is mainly focusing on what we have and what encompasses our life right now. </div>
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Were so far into this journey now people are on their 2nd child, we have a list of who we know will be soon and how we're going to cope with that when it comes, another well of feelings exploding as the baby dust has struck again for those lucky souls out there and were happy for them, so happy but sad it hasn't happened for us.</div>
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For me the strongest part of this campaign was the information around jealousy, a word I don't connect with, I don't feel I am jealous but I am envious. I worked with a fertility counsellor for some time and she stated the word jealousy, I remember I repelled away, my body moved backwards, as the word felt ugly, which in result made me feel a part of me was ugly. I quickly replaced it with envious, I do want a baby, I do want to be a Mum, I do want a child but I don't want what others have, as it's not mine, for me this means I don't feel I am jealous of their baby, that's not my baby. I am just envious of not having something I would really like and like to become, a mother. </div>
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For me one of the hardest parts that comes with this journey is people's side head looks or awkwardness around wondering why we don't have children, 8yrs and no kids, we know people put us in that bracket of the one's who don't want kids, or know something must be wrong so don't ask, which in itself is hard. The taboo around infertility still lives on and I wish it could change. </div>
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The other part is the sadness other people feel for us, or assume we will feel. This irritates me the most, like we're going to break as another person has falling pregnant. I don't always want to hear someone has cried for me as they are pregnant and I am not, or that they didn't know how to tell me due to the discomfort it feels for them. That really isn't the thing that's going to break me, you don't need to rationalise my grief or make me feel I have to support you as actually this journey is mine and your pregnancy is yours, your gift. I also hate when people ask Sam how I am doing and will I be okay, it's bizarre what assumptions we come to when others are going through baby loss and pregnancy loss. People just care and that's what I have to remember but I know I find people going through similar experiences are people I want to connect with as they understand and don't make these wild views on what's going to make me cry or hide away. Sam works in his own way, and I admire him for it, he has friends and families children he loves and is Uncle Sam too them, but I know when I share another baby has been born he is pleased to know it's healthy and well but that's all he can manage, he says he knows its rude but I know it's his protection, he has to keep himself safe to manage the well of emotions in there. </div>
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The campaign Tommy's are running speaks open and honestly, I know I have days when being around teeny babies, or talking about them is too much, I can't manage it, and I don't want to hear about it but then there are days when it's all I want to do, as on those day's it's okay. No one can ever understand this journey were on as it's ours and we don't expect people too but compassion and awareness is a great tool and can really help.<br />
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Video for Tommy's below.</div>
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<a href="https://youtu.be/FxNE-Q-tPec"> https://youtu.be/FxNE-Q-tPec</a></div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-49080068170191300992018-07-03T02:10:00.000-07:002018-07-03T02:11:06.868-07:00Care - what does it look like to you?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<span style="text-align: justify;">I have woken today with a heavy heart and a reflective mind, it's a question I have been asking myself for a while, what does care look like to me? How do I know others care or show they care and how do I muddle through this world of friendship, family, work, life knowing how to care for others and how they care for me.</span><br />
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Care: the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.</div>
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I know I show care through communication, it's my go to, whether that's dedicated quality time with someone, words of love, support and commitment to being present and loyal. I believe this is the way I also look after myself, being honest and real with how I think and feel and ensuring I listen to what's best for me. Allowing myself quality time and commitment to my needs and time allows a better me.</div>
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In my work I show I care through counselling, I feel it's my gift to support and empower young women and men to overcome trauma and find their way back into this world after horrific abuse and assault. However how I care in my work is different to my care in friendships as I don't expect anything back from my young people, just for them to attend and commit to finding their path to recover.</div>
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This post links similarly to another blog I wanted to write and have been hesitant as I know it feels a tricky one to navigate, female friendships, I guess when I reflect on female friendships they have changed, grown and lost, they have been some of the biggest life lessons and some of the biggest hurts but when I look at them all communication was either the growth or loss in them all.</div>
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I feel I also don't help myself as I am aware of my strength and commitment to my own care, life has brought up so many challenges that I have had to navigate a lot of self development and find what's important to me, my values and morals have defiantly been challenged and tested and it's taken me time to find what the core of them are, I feel I am close, not fully there but I know what's important and one thing is there being a balance in friendship, a balance in care, that it's not just a one way process. I know I am a person who likes to support others but recently I have realised I don't always get that back and why that is I will never know.</div>
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When I moved back to Newcastle it wasn't easy, my main community i was friends with before had moved away and I knew another friendship group was changing, i didn't feel a place there. It was a new challenge for me and once again it felt I was starting again, I guess that's a reflection in itself the amount of times I have made changes in my life which means I have had to find new friendships and make new connections. Sometimes I feel I am constantly navigating this world and I know I have a few very close ones, I do still miss my core favourites, I guess that's where my love language of quality time comes in, making sure I spend time away and commit to the importance of those friendships.</div>
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We bumble along in this life, enjoying and embracing it, friendships change, people change but does the way we care change? How do we chose how we care and what navigates us to this way of being. I guess for me I have realised there's only so much I can give and if it's not equal I question the importance and place for it.</div>
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Maybe I am always going to be reflecting and questioning this, as I move through life I make stronger friendships with more meaning and depth then I have ever felt, we look for different aspects in people as we grow and I thank the ones around me, holding, supporting and communicating through this tricky stage of life. </div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-80214958004304204602018-06-30T13:13:00.004-07:002018-06-30T13:15:08.703-07:00I Climbed a Mountain!!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It's been a long time since I blogged and sometimes blogging in itself can feel like climbing a mountain, I have so many ideas but articulating and getting them down can feel a challenging at times. There is always something else to do, somewhere else to be or no time to write, sometimes the words just don't come. I have these dreams of sunshine, outdoors and lazy afternoon blogs, like I used to do when travelling, today I decided I am putting that dream back into action, so with the bbq going, a cider next to me and my laptop in hand I am set to write. </div>
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So let's start with talking about my adventure last weekend as it was one to remember and for me a real accomplishment. </div>
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I have been wanting to take on a big mountain for some time now, however with my knackered knees I always stay away and stick to slow rambles and small hills. I decided I needed a challenge and with my knees staying good for some time now this was the time to test them. </div>
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Sam was away on my brothers stag so I planned a camping night away with a friend and we made a plan to hike Whernside, I was told it was the slowest incline out of the 3 Yorkshire peaks, so felt the best peak for me. I had no idea what to expect, however when I turned up Friday to camp at Philpin Farm, I saw the beautiful mountain positioned in front of us in all her glory. I was nervous, worried I wouldn't be able to complete the climb and worried my knees would go on me, when they do, they hurt bad. However I believed in myself and knew with the support of my friend we could go at our own pace and time without pressure or stress. </div>
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Luckily the walk to Whernside was only 15mins (ish) from our campsite so was a nice easy stroll to the start. I was shocked when we reached the start the climb up was only around 2 mile, this set my mind at rest a little more. it was a beautiful slow incline and I was surprised how many folk were coming down from the other side. We soon realised there was a race on and these were most of our passerby's. We took our time, enjoyed the views, stopped for sweets and nuts and allowed Socks the rest she needed (as she isn't made for climbing mountains). It was gorgeous chatting to others and slowly seeing the landscape in front of us, as you all know Yorkshire is a favourite of mine but this was phenomenal and seeing the other peaks, Pen y ghent and Ingleborough looming behind and in front of us was breath taking. </div>
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I was amazed at how many people take on the 3 peaks without training or hiking shoes, we saw so many people struggling with sore feet and tired bones, however their determination to finish (i.e. climb another mountain after) was astonishing and at one point made me tempted to do more. My brain quickly changed when Socks refused to head up the more challenging part of the climb, basically putting the brakes on and attempting to head down, rather than up. I sat with her for 10mins and gave her water, pretending my encouragement was going in, she then picked herself up and managed to climb, only to find what looked like the top was a blind summit and there was still a way to go. Luckily it evened out and the rest wasn't such a pull. </div>
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Making the top was a wonderful feeling and my friend had packed cake from the little shop at our campsite, yep she knows me well. We munched it up, enjoying watching what everyone had in their lunches/snack pots. It was lovely, we looked over Ingleborough with such pride. I was shown different points of the lake district and other parts of Yorkshire, it felt very special and surreal sat up there watching the world go by. Socks took a sleep and we lazed a good half hour away. </div>
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The trip back down is always a worry, the pressure that hits the knees has knocked me before (in India monks blessed them when I struggled to make it down Triund Hill), and although at times I was aware there were creeping out, they held up and I made it down okay, obviously some bum scrambles but it led a number of other walkers to follow suit which felt nice and to feel it's okay to hike down however feels best for you. We smiled and giggled at the conversations being had around us, hearing folk talk about what they were most looking forward to when finishing their hike, however long or small that was, there was a sense of achievement floating in the air. </div>
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We finished back at our campsite and enjoyed the masses of folk snacking and resting around the campsite shop, more cake, yes please. The sun was shining and a huge sense of enjoyment was being had, the joy of walkers, it feels forever thankful for the nature we are in and the beauty it gives us to enjoy these hikes, rambles, strolls and walks. </div>
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4174553864294147413.post-52841870046134281612018-04-07T09:08:00.000-07:002018-04-08T01:27:35.663-07:00How to try and grow a baby!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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A friend of mine was pregnant with her 2nd child and she was sharing her wealth of books purchased in preparation for this new life. We laughed and giggled at the information in them, the knowledge they shared and what she was finding helpful/unhelpful... that friend smiled at me and said 'you can have them when you have your baby' she give me the hope I had started to lose, and at that point I needed that hope. I decided to take those books as for me they signified hope, hope that one day I would need their pearls of wisdom or laughter. They now live in a cupboard in the 'spare room' (I will come to this these hyphens) and I took one out recently, my heart warmed and my womb ached and my belief of pregnancy resided strong and that felt good... and with that this blog post came. </div>
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I had wanted to write for a while but wasn't sure what too, it's true with writing you just know when you want to, an idea comes and the words flow.</div>
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I have been talking and sharing with a number of friends recently, some know a lot of what's happening for us, some not so much, some are there every step but what I am finding recently is how much I am holding space with others stories, their journey's and experiences of fertility and being a support in letting them off load but also sharing similar experiences or feelings. I am also aware that I seek out this on social media. I read something recently around how your instagram changes as you grow older and I know I now follow people with similar stories of loss, loss of fertility, loss of parenthood, loss of a child and I find courage and strength from their stories and messages. With that I wanted to share some of my own challenges and talk about why I have made changes and what I have found useful or not so useful, but not just that if someone takes an element of hope, strength or thought from reading, then the power of writing has done its work, as in this journey it's always good to know there are others out there wearing the cloak of fertility challenges and supporting and helping each other - even if it's just reading a blog, liking a picture, listening to a podcast or feeling warmed by an instagram story. </div>
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In the last 3yrs my body has had some vast changes happen to it, I guess the major one being my endometriosis surgery - there's more and more research around this and the NHS are finally listening to women's experiences and offering surgery to rid the lesions that occur due to endometriosis. Endometriosis is when the lining of the womb (endometrial tissue) doesn't come out as blood (period) and goes back into the body, resting on other areas - bladder, ovaries, fallopian tubes etc and causing lesions and a lot of pain. I have had pain for years, in many ways and I had no idea there was a name for it, I just assumed I am a women, were always in pain. I found out when having an internal scan (and I winced with pain) that they were concerned, this concern led to more scans, surgery and a scar on my belly button. How does this affect fertility? well where the lesions occur they can block or stop the eggs and sperm happily meeting. For me I was pleased the surgery occurred, it may not change things and sadly it can't stop it coming back but it felt like something and it felt good my body was being cleansed. </div>
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We also found out I have what's called a low ovarian reserve - basically my eggs are running out, which means the eggs left in there are a mix bad between some okay ones and some pretty bad ones. What does this mean for infertility, well like the old saying goes 'your clocks ticking' well ding dong mine certainly was. </div>
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The next month (just over a year into our journey) we fell pregnant, I couldn't believe it, we stood in the kitchen with the pregnancy stick in shock, it was a light two lines but they were there. Sadly this turned into a early miscarriage but for us it was hope, they had final met, they just hadn't worked out they needed to stick together for longer. </div>
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I started to research and found a lot around blood circulation, being cold and my endometrial lining, those bloody pesky eggs - which of these could this have caused my miscarriage?</div>
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Acupuncture & Reflexology</div>
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I don't love it, but it has amazing research around fertility and it also alerted me to look at my body temperature, I have always been a cold person, I used to make my friends put the fire on after a night out dancing, I have blankets everywhere in my house and I was a crap geordie who couldn't go out without her coat. I also suffer raynauds syndrome so have bad blood circulation - being cold isn't great when it comes to pregnancy as would you want to live in a cold home? Acupuncture has allowed my blood to flow more naturally and improved it's functioning, I now monitor my temperature daily and the change is mind-blowing. From a scale of ups and downs it's now levelling out and I am not as cold as I normally am, something Sam is happy about as it means the heating isn't on as much! </div>
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I also found out about the importance of having a warm womb, hot water bottles pre ovulation on the tummy, then after ovulation on the feet. Acupuncture is Chinese medicine and it believes the feet energy lines are connected to the womb, therefore warm feet means warm womb, cosy socks, slippers and staying off cold floors - instantly my mind went to my constant refusal of wearing shoes, I even refused on our wedding day! uh oh, that explains the raynauds. </div>
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I have also been working with a reflexologist, who does similar work in terms of working certain areas of my body through my feet to give better circulation. Why do I get the two as I love reflexology, the calmness and beauty of it is so relaxing and I feel rested and restored after it.<br />
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Diet<br />
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I haven't changed that much, I don't go out as much, a bottle of wine lasts me a week rather than a night (in the house) with the girls down the pub well that's a different story. Curry Friday's still exist and cake, well that's not going anywhere. However I did decide to lose some weight as I had started to become comfortably round and I knew that wasn't good for me emotionally, physically or mentally for this journey. So I looked at fertility friendly foods and started adding more of those into my diet beetroot juice, almonds, avocado's, spinach, eggs, pineapple (around possible conception time), soups and stews, chilli and cinnamon - these foods help blood flow and support implantation if that little embryo/blastocyst make it to that stage. The womb has to be a cosy and nurturing place for it to live so needs a good blood flow to make a thick uterine lining, supposedly these foods help do just that.<br />
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I have started drinking more decaf tea, herbal teas - ginger especially (again blood circulation) and water. It is a challenge as I don't drink a lot of water but I purchased a huge bottle and make myself drink that every day! It's still not enough but it's better than I was. </div>
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Yoga</div>
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I found more fertility poses have started coming into my practice, legs up against the wall being my main one, pushing the blood back to the womb and again helping the lining. My yoga practice does vary however even if I haven't practiced I try to find space before bed to shuffle my bum against the wall and whack those legs up, it just feels so nice. </div>
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Blogs and Podcast's </div>
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One day I started searching, I wanted to hear other's voices and experiences and I came across Elle from <a href="http://www.featheringtheemptynest.co.uk/">Feathering the Empty Nest</a> she just spoke to me, there was something alive about her and I felt connected to this lady who was surviving a loss so deep and painful. I found strength from her words and her stories and I found something lifted in me. I would recommend her blog, instagram (even if it's just to adore Boris the Pug) as she is a true ray of sunshine and she makes me smile on daily basis. </div>
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I also found out about <a href="http://notanothermummyblog.com/author/notanothermummyblog/">Alison Perry</a> who has a brilliant podcast, a lot about being a Mum, I must be honest and say I haven't listened to those but the one's around fertility challenges are incredible and Alison herself has just conceived naturally through IVF. </div>
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The Spare Room</div>
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When we moved into our 3 bedroom house, we knew which room would be our nursery, however sadly with no pregnancy the room stayed barren - like my womb (dark but true) - it became a dumping ground and we just left it to be that until it needed to be anything else. I moved into this year with the decision it needed to be different, that room needed to be decorated and it needed to be more than an empty room. So with that we started, I plastered my favourite colour purple on the wall and started making plans for a spare room/nursery. I had to believe it would be that as otherwise it would just stay ugly and unoccupied. It's still undergoing it's changes but it looks so nice already, I want to put plant's in it and fill it with life, with the hope the same may happen in my somewhere else. </div>
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Writing</div>
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I use my blog, and my journal, I have always used writing as a therapy as I believe feelings come up for a reason, it's our body saying something so it's important to acknowledge those feelings. I have started writing more recently just a few pages a day but more to acknowledge how I feel and why I feel that way, whether that's fear, anxiety or frustration by putting it somewhere it stops it living in my body. </div>
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Talking</div>
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I don't share everything with everyone, there's some close queen bee's out there who know, and others who know a little. I do talk about it, as I am not ashamed, embarrassed or afraid of other's reaction's. I was sick of being asked 'when are we having kids' which prompted me to be honest as people actually need to learn it's not appropriate to ask that question. However it helps, talking helps make sense of it all and talking with women experiencing similar problems helps even more, however sourcing them out can be hard, however by talking does just that, believe me I have made some new found friends through sharing what's going on for me and finding they had similar or shared experiences. </div>
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Me & Curly</div>
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Lastly I started believing in the power of she, the power of us and the hope I have in us and the strength of just being who we are. I trust in my body, it's gone through a lot but I know she will deliver and she will give me what is right when the time is right. </div>
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I am part of the strong girls club and I know I got this! </div>
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*this information shared is my own information from my own reading and research, it in no way say's by doing all this it will get you pregnant, it's my journey and my experience of as the blog is titled 'How to try and make a baby'*<br />
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Claire Yvonnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01875421697852136118noreply@blogger.com6