IVF through Instagram

I went to a wedding in September, as weddings go, you chat, drink and get to know the other guests. I soon got chatting to a wonderful lady and very quickly we realised our paths were similar and our journeys as challenging as each others. This new friend asked if I had an insta account, to which I replied 'of course' only to then realise she meant around fertility. It's something I have never thought about, over the years I have added and removed people from my personal account due to not wanting others to know we were going through IVF, with this option suddenly available opportunities seemed endless in who I could follow and ask questions without the intrusion of others. 

With no time to spare I set up an account finding_my_fertility and searched away on insta, finding a wealth of communication and support. It also allowed me to stay in contact with others  and my new friend, following her journey without the necessary intrusion of constantly asking. I suddenly learnt there was a huge network of women out there suffering but sharing through the power of social media. A world where family and friends didn't know, but actual people understanding and making sense of this painful journey we were all on. 

I started to share thoughts, feelings, medication, me going through my ivf journey, the rawness of injections and medication, what helped and my blogs where I wrote about this fertility journey. It felt powerful and gave me a freedom that I hadn't felt I had, my voice was heard and understood, the joy in that. 

It wasn't long after starting the account I then found out I was pregnant, which if I am honest was difficult for me, the pregnancy came with joy but my lack of support and honesty was my difficulty. I had shared the account with a few friends and suddenly didn't want them to find out through this forum. I therefore took some radio silence or insta silence to decide what I wanted to do. 

I wasn't sure when or if I wanted to share our pregnancy on social media, I was asked by a few people if I would share and I went back and forth with yes and no. When that 2nd scan came and we were giving the all clear it just suddenly felt right, the need to be proud and not hide this, show the world that when it comes to fertility challenge people do get pregnant. So after sharing on my personal act I decided to also share on my fertility one, with the warning of a sensitive post. 

Moving forward what I have decided is that I don't want the account to become redundant now I am pregnant, it's power brought me so much, however I understand the sensitivity in others who firstly joined the account with it being a trying to conceive account, i understand if any of these wish to unfollow. 

With this remake I have give it a new name pugs_not_storks as the most common thing I hear is getting our pug puppy is what brought the energy into the home for our pregnancy. I hope to share parts of my pregnancy into motherhood, so it contains the whole journey, from conception to babyhood then into motherhood. 

If you want to follow I have now opened it up for all accounts pugs_not_storks , enjoy!

Baby Austin

10th Nov 2018, the day we found out.  3years and 8months we have been waiting to hear this news and when we saw those 2 lines, we couldn't believe it. I convinced myself I was miscarrying, obviously that's why the positive line was so light, however over that weekend it grew darker and by our blood test Monday, we were confirmed a strong positive, with our HCG levels high. Finding out your 'officially' pregnant in the middle of Newcastle city centre was never my dream but hey, none of this has been. 

We first decided to try to bring a mini Austin into this world at the start of 2015, we assumed within 6 months I would be brimming with pregnancy and by Christmas we would be 3. How wrong could we have been, never did I expect this to be our journey and never did I expect how others would react or how I would react to others. 

From the start we have heard news of new pregnancies, even 2nd pregnancies, at times it has been hard, however I never wanted my journey to impact on my friendships with others, the importance of friendship is so strong to me and it's not disposable because someone has something I don't. The reality was that they didn't have something I wanted though, that was their baby, not mine and although I hoped to have a baby, I hoped for my babe, life I would bring into the world. I did sometimes need space from friends, but never felt  the need to tell them as I didn't want to deflect from the experience they were having, as one day I believed I would have that experience and I hoped it wouldn't be taken from me. 

When I did fall pregnant, my first thought was of my friends on similar journey's, we even shared with some of them before family members. I don't know what the right way is to tell someone, some friends text was the only option, but to those where I could I did my best. I had a discussion with a friend at work who informed me to stop worrying and to focus on what's happened for us, this incredible news, this heartbreaking journey finally coming to an end, that's what I needed to focus on and not how everyone else reacts as that's their reaction and I can't control that. 

We got a scan at 7wks and waiting for that heartbeat was terrifying, we had both convinced ourselves nothing would be there, but it was and there on the screen was a teeny teeny peanut sized baby, healthy and growing well. As you can imagine, tears came and we both knew this was happening, it was real. Our 12wk scan felt even worse and although i could see my body changing i realised that anxiety monster still creeped in and made me worry this could all be a dream or suddenly a very awful nightmare.  That anxiety monster was soon kicked into touch when there in front of us was our babe, upside down and not wanting to lie still for the scan. That overwhelming feeling of it's okay was just wonderful and we happily starred at those scan pictures with smiles bigger then Christmas.

It took us endometriosis surgery, 1 miscarriage, 4 counselling sessions,  2 rounds of IVF, 3 transfers, 2 failed transfers, my heart dropping dangerously low twice in and after egg collection, many £'s spent on acupuncture, fertility books, supplements and fertility herbs, tears to fill a river and hope after hope being destroyed. It was our 2nd IVF round but our 2nd transfer in that round, all embryo's were graded the same however the first chose not to stick, this 2nd transfer decided it wanted to hang around, i went to work, i drank some wine and even went to a gig, i chose to not stop living as if it was going to stay it didn't matter what i did. 

This journey hasn't been easy and although we have remained strong at times we have been broken however have held each other and shifted through the storm, believing in ourselves and what we hoped for. Sailing our good shop Albion as always. 

We always attempted to see a positive and in the years of trying to conceive we bought a house, converted a van, got a dog, then another dog, took many holidays, moved jobs, both got a promotion and made new friends who have become some of the strongest round us. I don't believe everything happens for a reason but I do believe we didn't fall pregnant in 2014 as there was so much to happen in between that time and all that stuff has made us strong, committed and more in love.

July 18th... baby Austin is due and we can't bloody wait to meet you, we have been waiting for some time!