3yrs on... still trying, lets plan a holiday!

Ooof where to start today, my holiday maybe, we decided to go away for some sunshine, we couldn't go to India for certain reason's, so chose the next hot place we could afford, La Palma, Canary Islands, 'as it always is sunny in the Canaries they say', hmm, seems not. This isn't  a blog about my holiday but a blog about what keeps me going through the torrent of trying to conceive. One of those things being planning and organising delicious things to keep me sane and have things to look forward too. So the Canaries was not hot, my holiday wasn't super relaxed and i missed Socks (not literal Socks, my doggy).

I realised a few things on this holiday, it was a time for reflection and a time to recognise how we move into our 3rd year, still childless, still hoping and not letting this journey break us. I don't want to mumble through a sad, poor me blog, as i dont feel poor me, i dont feel 'why us' were happy, healthy and have a great life but there's challenge that comes that no one can feel unless they have experienced or realised what it's like having years, not months, years of trying, waiting, hoping then disappointment each month for years and still at the end still not knowing if i will ever grow a baby.
What i realised on my holiday was i have changed, this journey has changed me, i see the world differently to how i used to 3yrs ago, i see fertility differently, i see my body differently and how it functions and responds. I see others differently and how they react and respond. I know who my towers of strengths are, friends who have supported me in ways that have given me what i needed just when i needed it, that self care package that turns up through the post or little quote that makes me smile. I have seen positive and negative changes in me, i have learnt i am strong and have a really positive view on this world and people. I have learnt it's okay to not want to hang out with that friend who has just had a baby, it's okay to say 'actually i just need a bit of space'. Saying no isn't being selfish, it's self care.  I have realised my dog, Socks gives me more than any human, she makes me smile when no one else can, she lets me cry and clearly doesn't say it's going to be okay and she makes me get out and walk when sometimes i want to hide. I now realise anxiety is part of my life, i do struggle at times and being in my nest makes me feel safe and secure. Yoga gives me strength and when i take time to commit to 20mins a day it gives me the power to go through the day. I have learnt blogging and writing lets me express and share and its cathartic and therapeutic.

I have also learnt so many people experience or have experienced fertility related problems and when you talk about it, people share who have never shared before. I do enjoy hearing stories of other people's journeys but from their mouths not others, as everyone has a friend who....

I want fertility issues to be something more talked about, i am open and honest about our journey, some things i chose not to share, as i have to remember there is 2 of us in all of this, but i want is it to be okay to say 'you know what it isn't happening for us' that doesn't mean i am going to break down crying, i don't need your sympathy or sad face just talk to me like this is okay and just another of life's challenges.

So what happens next who knows, what i have learnt is that knowing something delicious is on the cards, then that keeps me focused, keeps me strong and lets me know what i have is already enough.

Keeping to my Promise

My writing feels like its decreasing rather than increasing, I read other blogs and I urge myself to start again but things move to the wayside and I find it’s another month before I focus and recount what I want to share with others. I have so many notes for blog entries, I will get round to them but life has become busy and my promise to myself whilst travelling has been left at the back door. So today my writing comes from a place of change, a commitment to myself and my well-being. 

Sam and I took 2014 to travel, explore, adventure and reconnect and we definitely felt we did that, I quit my job to take on this mighty test of travel and found it a challenge not having a working routine but also refreshing to not be managed and told what I can and can’t do. It brought a new life to me and made me re-evaluate my old one but also my commitments to work and what I wanted for my career, what was important to me and my sanity. 

I came back with drive and passion to set up my own business/s and get a part time job allowing a guaranteed monthly income. One business succeeded, another didn’t work out the way I planned, the part time job came through, however this part time job turned into a full time and I realised that my working week was suddenly at between 35-40hrs over 4/5 days which wasn’t the plan I had once had in mind. I find money is the killer, it sneaks in and then i become reliant on it and it becomes hard to then go back, I know I start spending more and stuff starts to appear that I don’t really need. My mind slows down and my brain becomes mushy, the work I do requires time, energy and empathy and that’s a lot to give away, and not have time to replenish because before you know it the week starts again and the cycle continues.  
Last week I bit the bullet and went to my manager and took my time back, I have lessened my counselling hours which allows me to work 3 days a week then a Tuesday evening for my yoga. It allows me to spend time planning and developing as I have plans for more yoga next year but more importantly it gives me time to enjoy my new found greyhound, knit, rest, read and relax. 

I ask myself what makes us dedicate so much of our life to work, when did money become a thing that gave us status and when did we stop enjoying the life we want to live and take it for granted, giving it all up for work and stuff, stuff we don’t normally need.