2019 a year of reflection.

As my babe has his early morning nap and I drink my morning coffee it feels a perfect time to jot some words down and reflect on 2019 and what's to come in 2020.

It's been a wonderful year in many ways, the stream of texts I have received sharing nothing will beat this year as Albie was born, it's a strange one as although it was a year of greatness due to the birth of my long awaited boy there's a deep part of me that is definitely ready to say goodbye to 2019 and welcome 2020 with open arms.

2019 did bring us Albie but it also brought us 7 months of worry before he was born, questions of would we be lucky enough to get to 9 months, was this really happening for us, learning to understanding a new world of pregnancy and saying goodbye to an old world of fertility treatment (which yes is great but it's also all we have known for 6yrs and had defined part of me in a lot of ways). I also held and still do guilt that we got our rainbow baby and all my friends still in the struggle of fertility hadn't. I also wasn't ready to forget the journey to get Albie as much as others had, it is and was part of our journey and it isn't easy to just forget it.

Albie came with a huge bang and although my honesty is hard for others it wasn't the enjoyable few months I had imagined, he was our world but our world also felt like it had crashed down and shattered around us and my mental health plummeted. I never thought that would be the case for me as I firmly believed years of trying would only bring pure happiness. I didn't cry when he was born, I felt relief we had survived. I loved him but didn't know him and felt very confused by what I could provide and what others expected from me. I am still traumatised from the birth, something I so hoped wouldn't be the case.

Albie came along which was wonderful but the impact it had on me emotionally and physically and on our relationship hasn't been great. I move into 2020 with plans of how to take care of myself, I have started in the last few months writing more, swimming, making plans for adventures and even setting some exciting new projects up in my work ready for when I go back in April.

As Albie has become more 'human' and not a squirmy ball of squish I understand him, enjoy him and love him harder every day. I feel my fierce lioness protecting him but its took time and I am not ashamed to admit that.

I chose to write openly and honestly as I hate the lies that parents are forced or choose to give about parenting being this 'easy ride' this glow of perfect paternal beauty, maybe it is for some but from what I find, when your open and honest, you allow someone else to be too and that in itself is so empowering for Mum's but also women supporting women.

So 2020 brings me going back to work, a change in my hours meaning more time with Albie but also a good balance for me to find me, I have worked hard to specialise in what I do and I am not ready to lose that, I am more than Albie's Mum.

It brings a holiday to Malham, Portugal, Isle of Arran, Italy and Shambala festival and many more adhoc van adventures.

It brings Sam sharing maternity/paternity leave and having 3 months of with our wee boy.

Mostly it brings a year of focusing on us, the five of us, our little family, we are complete now, and I am ready to embrace us as a whole and start this year focusing on the beauty we have between us, putting 2019 to bed and moving forward with a year full of fun and adventure.

What's my identity?

I am not sure if this question, or a similar style of question is what has been running through my mind recently, but I have had so many conversations with friends who are mothers and the challenge that lies under that identity.

For me becoming a mother was all I wanted from being young, it was something I dreamed of and was often warned, (told) don't get pregnant, my Mum even had me on the pill at 15 to ensure I was kept 'safe'.  It was also something I identified in becoming when I was in my 30's, married with kids, that's what it's about, yeah? The longer this journey takes me the more I see my mind move through such varying ways of identifying myself,  women are seen as mothers, it's a question asked as ultimately that's what we assume women become, for me though I am learning I fight with my identity all the time and have done for many years, I feel I have so many identities and at times which one I want to be under is hard to define, but for me that identity of mothership has changed and just being a mother is one I have realised I am so much more then.

I know this identity searching started a long time ago, however  when I decided to get married, becoming Claire Austin wasn't an easy choice and took some time for me to drop Winship and take on Austin. My main argument being a) why should I take his name  b) Winship is so much better then Austin  c) I didn't want to be just someone's wife and d) Claire Winship was my identity, I didn't feel like I knew who Claire Austin was. I remember discussing this with my Mum and she reflected back 'how happy have you been as Claire Winship?' powerful hey? I really sat with this and thought of the challenges being Claire Winship has brought, the unhealthy relationships, the lack of direction, the continuous power challenge with myself (and the world), the years of counselling and many other dark periods. I sat with this for some time and decided becoming Claire Austin didn't feel so bad, I was taking on a new identify, I was becoming a wife but also Claire Winship still lived within me and no matter what she wouldn't vanish but maybe feel more comforted and safe with this stronger Claire in control.  So that was that I made the decision to change my name, then to top it Sam found a rose called the Claire Austin rose and well the deal was done then.

Becoming Claire Austin, definitely meant Claire Winship was left behind and I guess in some ways she needed be, my lack of responsibility and actually giving a fuck wasn't good, I was lost in a world of partying, sex and unhealthy relationships and slightly broken underneath it all. The years of my 20's were some of my best, memories of dreamy worlds and nonstop energy, but also I put my body and mind through so much, it needed time to calm and heal. I moved into a slower pace, learnt to craft and explore and stop partying so hard, I qualified in my diploma and started working more in specialist areas, taking control of my career. I started to think of what I wanted next and how these next years would flow, motherhood feeling stronger and being one of these factor.  I have learnt the longer this fertility journey continues the more I realise the change in my view of motherhood, maybe motherhood will happen soon, maybe it won't but I know I carry worries around it all, worries I didn't have 3.5yrs ago. I know with pregnancy not happening I  have chose to focus on other things and selfish as that may seem, things like my career, social life and holiday life are things I don't want to change now, when motherhood does happen I want my life to still be able to incorporate all the things I love and have worked bloody hard for. These things now identify me and I love being identified as, the sexual violence counsellor, dog owner, van goer, festival maker, yogi, I know I can keep all these, but I guess I feel there will be some changes and I just don't know how willing I am to make those changes .

I also know I feel something towards friends who I feel have lost their identity since becoming a Mum or becoming pregnant, I struggle to connect and maybe that's because it's a world I am not part, understand of or maybe it's just sadness how lost we get in social structures of how we should behave. Whatever it is, things change and if I am honest, sometimes I just wish they didn't have too!

Benni 2009

Malham 2017

Beach Partying 2015

Glasto 2013

Bali 2014

Leeda fest 2010

Toonside 2009

Who Supports Who in this Journey?

Tommy's the baby charity has released a new campaign #TogetheForChange it's an incredible campaign and covers a number of areas around baby loss. Some I can connect with and some I can't, however I feel the importance of the campaign is finding what helps for you and what supports you. 

As I have shared previously, we miscarried, early over a year ago now, since then we have had small signs of pregnancy, but again they haven't resulted in a full term pregnancy so again we move through more loss, something, for whatever reason isn't working and the result in this is us not  having what we want and hope to become. Sam and I are strong in how we work through this, there are hard days, we don't always show them to others but we manage and cope in our own way and that is mainly focusing on what we have and what encompasses our life right now. 

Were so far into this journey now people are on their 2nd child, we have a list of who we know will be soon and how we're going to cope with that when it comes, another well of feelings exploding as the baby dust has struck again for those lucky souls out there and were happy for them, so happy but sad it hasn't happened for us.

For me the strongest part of this campaign was the information around jealousy, a word I don't connect with, I don't feel I am jealous but I am envious. I worked with a fertility counsellor for some time and she stated the word jealousy, I remember I repelled away, my body moved backwards, as the word felt ugly, which in result made me feel a part of me was ugly. I quickly replaced it with envious, I do want a baby, I do want to be a Mum, I do want a child but I don't want what others have, as it's not mine,  for me this means I don't feel I am jealous of their baby, that's not my baby. I am just envious of not having something I would really like and like to become, a mother. 

For me one of the hardest parts that comes with this journey is people's side head looks or awkwardness around wondering why we don't have children, 8yrs and no kids, we know people put us in that bracket of the one's who don't want kids, or know something must be wrong so don't ask, which in itself is hard. The taboo around infertility still lives on and I wish it could change. 

The other part is the sadness other people feel for us, or assume we will feel. This irritates me the most, like we're going to break as another person has falling pregnant. I don't always want to hear someone has cried for me as they are pregnant and I am not, or that they didn't know how to tell me due to the discomfort it feels for them. That really isn't the thing that's going to break me, you don't need to rationalise my grief or make me feel I have to support you as actually this journey is mine and your pregnancy is yours, your gift. I also hate when people ask Sam how I am doing and will I be okay, it's bizarre what assumptions we come to when others are going through baby loss and pregnancy loss.  People just care and that's what I have to remember but I know I find people going through similar experiences are people I want to connect with as they understand and don't make these wild views on what's going to make me cry or hide away. Sam works in his own way, and I admire him for it, he has friends and families children he loves and is Uncle Sam too them, but I know when I share another baby has been born he is pleased to know it's healthy and well but that's all he can manage, he says he knows its rude but I know it's his protection, he has to keep himself safe to manage the well of emotions in there. 

The campaign Tommy's are running speaks open and honestly, I know I have days when being around teeny babies, or talking about them is too much, I can't manage it,  and I don't want to hear about it but then there are days when it's all I want to do, as on those day's it's okay. No one can ever understand this journey were on as it's ours and we don't expect people too but compassion and awareness is a great tool and can really help.

Video for Tommy's below.

https://youtu.be/FxNE-Q-tPec

How to try and grow a baby!

A friend of mine was pregnant with her 2nd child and she was sharing her wealth of books purchased in preparation for this new life. We laughed and giggled at the information in them, the knowledge they shared and what she was finding helpful/unhelpful... that friend smiled at me and said 'you can have them when you have your baby' she give me the hope I had started to lose, and at that point I needed that hope. I decided to take those books as for me they signified hope, hope that one day I would need their pearls of wisdom or laughter. They now live in a cupboard in the 'spare room' (I will come to this these hyphens) and I took one out recently, my heart warmed and my womb ached and my belief of pregnancy resided strong and that felt good... and with that this blog post came. 

I had wanted to write for a while but wasn't sure what too, it's true with writing you just know when you want to, an idea comes and the words flow.

I have been talking and sharing with a number of friends recently, some know a lot of what's happening for us, some not so much, some are there every step but what I am finding recently is how much I am holding space with others stories, their journey's and experiences of fertility and being a support in letting them off load but also sharing similar experiences or feelings. I am also aware that I seek out this on social media. I read something recently around how your instagram changes as you grow older and I know I now follow people with similar stories of loss, loss of fertility, loss of parenthood, loss of a child and I find courage and strength from their stories and messages. With that I wanted to share some of my own challenges and talk about why I have made changes and what I have found useful or not so useful, but not just that if someone takes an element of hope, strength or thought from reading, then the power of writing has done its work, as in this journey it's always good to know there are others out there wearing the cloak of fertility challenges and supporting and helping each other - even if it's just reading a blog, liking a picture, listening to a podcast or feeling warmed by an instagram story. 

In the last 3yrs my body has had some vast changes happen to it, I guess the major one being my endometriosis surgery - there's more and more research around this and the NHS are finally listening to women's experiences and offering surgery to rid the lesions that occur due to endometriosis. Endometriosis is when the lining of the womb (endometrial tissue) doesn't come out as blood (period) and goes back into the body, resting on other areas - bladder, ovaries, fallopian tubes etc and causing lesions and a lot of pain. I have had pain for years, in many ways and I had no idea there was a name for it, I just assumed I am a women, were always in pain. I found out when having an internal scan (and I winced with pain) that they were concerned, this concern led to more scans, surgery and a scar on my belly button. How does this affect fertility? well where the lesions occur they can block or stop the eggs and sperm happily meeting. For me I was pleased the surgery occurred, it may not change things and sadly it can't stop it coming back but it felt like something and it felt good my body was being cleansed. 

We also found out I have what's called a low ovarian reserve - basically my eggs are running out, which means the eggs left in there are a mix bad between some okay ones and some pretty bad ones. What does this mean for infertility, well like the old saying goes 'your clocks ticking' well ding dong mine certainly was. 

The next month (just over a year into our journey) we fell pregnant, I couldn't believe it, we stood in the kitchen with the pregnancy stick in shock, it was a light two lines but they were there. Sadly this turned into a early miscarriage but for us it was hope, they had final met, they just hadn't worked out they needed to stick together for longer. 

I started to research and found a lot around blood circulation, being cold and my endometrial lining, those bloody pesky eggs - which of these could this have caused my miscarriage?

Acupuncture & Reflexology

I don't love it, but it has amazing research around fertility and it also alerted me to look at my body temperature, I have always been a cold person, I used to make my friends put the fire on after a night out dancing, I have blankets everywhere in my house and I was a crap geordie who couldn't go out without her coat. I also suffer raynauds syndrome so have bad blood circulation - being cold isn't great when it comes to pregnancy as would you want to live in a cold home? Acupuncture has allowed my blood to flow more naturally and improved it's functioning, I now monitor my temperature daily and the change is mind-blowing. From a scale of ups and downs it's now levelling out and I am not as cold as I normally am, something Sam is happy about as it means the heating isn't on as much! 

I also found out about the importance of having a warm womb, hot water bottles pre ovulation on the tummy, then after ovulation on the feet. Acupuncture is Chinese medicine and it believes the feet energy lines are connected to the womb, therefore warm feet means warm womb, cosy socks, slippers and staying off cold floors - instantly my mind went to my constant refusal of wearing shoes, I even refused on our wedding day! uh oh, that explains the raynauds.  

I have also been working with a reflexologist, who does similar work in terms of working certain areas of my body through my feet to give better circulation. Why do I get the two as I love reflexology, the calmness and beauty of it is so relaxing and I feel rested and restored after it.

Diet

I haven't changed that much, I don't go out as much, a bottle of wine lasts me a week rather than a night (in the house) with the girls down the pub well that's a different story. Curry Friday's still exist and cake, well that's not going anywhere. However I did decide to lose some weight as I had started to become comfortably round and I knew that wasn't good for me emotionally, physically or mentally for this journey. So I looked at fertility friendly foods and started adding more of those into my diet beetroot juice, almonds, avocado's, spinach, eggs, pineapple (around possible conception time), soups and stews, chilli and cinnamon - these foods help blood flow and support implantation if that little embryo/blastocyst make it to that stage. The womb has to be a cosy and nurturing place for it to live so needs a good blood flow to make a thick uterine lining, supposedly these foods help do just that.

• 
  

I have started drinking more decaf tea, herbal teas - ginger especially (again blood circulation) and water. It is a challenge as I don't drink a lot of water but I purchased a huge bottle and make myself drink that every day! It's still not enough but it's better than I was. 

Yoga

I found more fertility poses have started coming into my practice, legs up against the wall being my main one, pushing the blood back to the womb and again helping the lining. My yoga practice does vary however even if I haven't practiced I try to find space before bed to shuffle my bum against the wall and whack those legs up, it just feels so nice. 

Blogs and Podcast's 

One day I started searching, I wanted to hear other's voices and experiences and I came across Elle from Feathering the Empty Nest she just spoke to me, there was something alive about her and I felt connected to this lady who was surviving a loss so deep and painful. I found strength from her words and her stories and I found something lifted in me. I would recommend her blog, instagram (even if it's just to adore Boris the Pug) as she is a true ray of sunshine and she makes me smile on daily basis. 

I also found out about  Alison Perry who has a brilliant podcast, a lot about being a Mum, I must be honest and say I haven't listened to those but the one's around fertility challenges are incredible and Alison herself has just conceived naturally through IVF. 

The Spare Room

When we moved into our 3 bedroom house, we knew which room would be our nursery, however sadly with no pregnancy the room stayed barren - like my womb (dark but true) - it became a dumping ground and we just left it to be that until it needed to be anything else. I moved into this year with the decision it needed to be different, that room needed to be decorated and it needed to be more than an empty room. So with that we started, I plastered my favourite colour purple on the wall and started making plans for a spare room/nursery. I had to believe it would be that as otherwise it would just stay ugly and unoccupied. It's still undergoing it's changes but it looks so nice already, I want to put plant's in it and fill it with life, with the hope the same may happen in my somewhere else. 

Writing

I use my blog, and my journal, I have always used writing as a therapy as I believe feelings come up for a reason, it's our body saying something so it's important to acknowledge those feelings. I have started writing more recently just a few pages a day but more to acknowledge how I feel and why I feel that way, whether that's fear, anxiety or frustration by putting it somewhere it stops it living in my body. 

Talking

I don't share everything with everyone, there's some close queen bee's out there who know, and others who know a little. I do talk about it, as I am not ashamed, embarrassed or afraid of other's reaction's. I was sick of being asked 'when are we having kids' which prompted me to be honest as  people actually need to learn it's not appropriate to ask that question. However it helps, talking helps make sense of it all and talking with women experiencing similar problems helps even more, however sourcing them out can be hard, however by talking does just that, believe me I have made some new found friends through sharing what's going on for me and finding they had similar or shared experiences. 

Me & Curly

Lastly I started believing in the power of she, the power of us and the hope I have in us and the strength of just being who we are. I trust in my body, it's gone through a lot but I know she will deliver and she will give me what is right when the time is right. 

I am part of the strong girls club and I know I got this!  

*this information shared is my own information from my own reading and research, it in no way say's by doing all this it will get you pregnant, it's my journey and my experience of as the blog is titled 'How to try and make a baby'*

3yrs on... still trying, lets plan a holiday!

Ooof where to start today, my holiday maybe, we decided to go away for some sunshine, we couldn't go to India for certain reason's, so chose the next hot place we could afford, La Palma, Canary Islands, 'as it always is sunny in the Canaries they say', hmm, seems not. This isn't  a blog about my holiday but a blog about what keeps me going through the torrent of trying to conceive. One of those things being planning and organising delicious things to keep me sane and have things to look forward too. So the Canaries was not hot, my holiday wasn't super relaxed and i missed Socks (not literal Socks, my doggy).

I realised a few things on this holiday, it was a time for reflection and a time to recognise how we move into our 3rd year, still childless, still hoping and not letting this journey break us. I don't want to mumble through a sad, poor me blog, as i dont feel poor me, i dont feel 'why us' were happy, healthy and have a great life but there's challenge that comes that no one can feel unless they have experienced or realised what it's like having years, not months, years of trying, waiting, hoping then disappointment each month for years and still at the end still not knowing if i will ever grow a baby.
What i realised on my holiday was i have changed, this journey has changed me, i see the world differently to how i used to 3yrs ago, i see fertility differently, i see my body differently and how it functions and responds. I see others differently and how they react and respond. I know who my towers of strengths are, friends who have supported me in ways that have given me what i needed just when i needed it, that self care package that turns up through the post or little quote that makes me smile. I have seen positive and negative changes in me, i have learnt i am strong and have a really positive view on this world and people. I have learnt it's okay to not want to hang out with that friend who has just had a baby, it's okay to say 'actually i just need a bit of space'. Saying no isn't being selfish, it's self care.  I have realised my dog, Socks gives me more than any human, she makes me smile when no one else can, she lets me cry and clearly doesn't say it's going to be okay and she makes me get out and walk when sometimes i want to hide. I now realise anxiety is part of my life, i do struggle at times and being in my nest makes me feel safe and secure. Yoga gives me strength and when i take time to commit to 20mins a day it gives me the power to go through the day. I have learnt blogging and writing lets me express and share and its cathartic and therapeutic.

I have also learnt so many people experience or have experienced fertility related problems and when you talk about it, people share who have never shared before. I do enjoy hearing stories of other people's journeys but from their mouths not others, as everyone has a friend who....

I want fertility issues to be something more talked about, i am open and honest about our journey, some things i chose not to share, as i have to remember there is 2 of us in all of this, but i want is it to be okay to say 'you know what it isn't happening for us' that doesn't mean i am going to break down crying, i don't need your sympathy or sad face just talk to me like this is okay and just another of life's challenges.

So what happens next who knows, what i have learnt is that knowing something delicious is on the cards, then that keeps me focused, keeps me strong and lets me know what i have is already enough.

A journey into the unknown.

It's been ages since i wrote and i feel i have so much to say but i am mindful of what i want to share and what's important to share, why i chose to share certain things and the detail i put into what i am sharing.

I am often told how great our life looks, the dreamy instagram posts and filters of making life that bit more shiny however the last few years have been a mix of feelings, sad,  bad, good and great, so many amazing feelings felt but so very different from the path i thought i would be on... there's always a lurking in the back of my mind of the journey were taking and how different it is from where we would thought we would be at this stage in our relationship.

I have wanted to blog for some time and have put together numerous ramblings but have decided not to post  for various reasons, however today i felt it was time, i know i am not the only one and feel it is important to be a voice, a voice of someone in the mad grips of 'unexplained infertility'.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we want, our journey into fertility over the last 2.5yrs is so different from the way i had hoped and carries on to be different, hard, unsettling and confusing. However it's our journey and it's made us stronger then i can imagine.

I have been pricked and prodded, x rayed and scanned, operated and healed, questions asked, questions stopped, silence and elephants in the room and experienced the hard pain of loss but through it all our hands have stayed strong and i am thankful for the man who stands beside me and the strength he gives.

When things didn't go the way I planned i had days where i sunk into sadness and wanted to hide away, socialising wasn't my priority and being in the nest felt safer from the constant stream of happy news from others. After another slump of sad i remember having a strong realisation of living and the importance of that - the reality of what i have is already enough and that life is great, i am lucky to have the life i am living, i have a precious human life so why was i wasting it?!

The image of what could have been was in my head, the reality wasn't there,  so therefore why was i wallowing in sadness over something i was only dreaming of. I remember asking the question 'is the life i am living not good enough?' and when a YES came back good and strong i dusted those tears off and started to make some changes.

So with that i held onto the here and now and enjoyed making plans of fun and laughter, memories and heartful journeys. Plans came into place and i looked at what i wanted but also what was important for moving forward.

So those dreamy pictures, those filtered snaps, they are real, there full of good but behind every photo another story exists.

** This blog isn't for sorryful words or people feeling sorry for us, writing helps me, it's a process and there's so much i don't share but felt it important to share something, some rambles of mine as isn't that what this blog is for? **