When does the whirlwind end.

Motherhood, it's ups and downs forever knocking me of my feet and making it a struggle to get back up. 7 months have passed by and over those 7 months I don't think I have ever felt so overwhelmed, shocked, alone or bewildered in my whole life. The unknown of this new path I have taken and what the right way to turn is forever mind boggling and I know they say the first is the hardest but I still have no idea what makes people go on to have more. My babe is a beauty, he's calm, chilled, sleeps but the amount of mental exhaustion and ups and downs I go through on a daily basis are not good for my mental health and in return are not good for Albie or my little family.I have never felt so disconnected from the life I was living only recently realising I have been in survival mode for so long, survival from the experience of infertility, IVF, pregnancy and labour then the newborn days. This journey I had  to get my baby developed a fight in me, one I thought would end when he arrived., but I am soon learning hasn't fully. My Counsellor commented yesterday on my 'warrior' mentality and I shared how in the IVF community we call ourselves IVF warriors, madness to think this is the mentality we have to take on, of a solider surviving battle. I don't think at the time we realise the trauma of infertility and IVF, I don't think anyone does or can until the process comes to an end and sometimes that's with more trauma of not having the outcome we wished for or we get what we want but then can't understand why we still feel so lost. That was my outcome, I got my babe, my beautiful boy, my beautiful son but I was so lost and suddenly felt so lost in motherhood, as mentioned before something I never expected. I have come to understand recently what this loss is about and recognise it's around identity, an identity I have lost over the years and am slowly finding but it's taking time. It feels as women trying to conceive or new mothers we all go through this in some way, how can we not a little person has entered or is trying to enter our lives and this changes the dynamic of it all, the dynamic for me, with my husband, dogs, friends and work and it won't be the same as before as it can't be, but it can be different and different doesn't need to be a bad thing.

One thing I am exploring at the moment is my role in my life, the identity that has been given to me by others and the one I have taken on myself. I am looking at what feels right and what doesn't and how this has impacted on me over the years. Its helping me look at the two identities I have developed at this time and how I bring them together or will they always feel quite separate, as Mums do we always have two sides of us we perform/work with. The old you and the new you.

Mum guilt, the continuous feeling of feeling guilty I shouldn't want elements of my old life back. I am human though and all the things and freedom I once had are gone and its okay to miss them, it doesn't mean I don't want my babe, it just means I want elements of what I had as I liked that, I loved my life pre motherhood and post motherhood can be a bit shit at times.

This blog was called 'just a mum' but I changed the title as that's what I am learning, I am more than just a mum and I think the last 16 months through pregnancy and Albie I felt I became 'just a mum' maybe people made me feel that, maybe I made myself feel that but what I am understanding is I can change that as I am so much more than that, I am Albie's Mum and I love being that, but I also love who I was before and underneath these layers of first baby shock I am slowly unearthing myself and finding this new (and possibly improved) me.

Where's the balance?

Today is one of those days where I woke this morning, smiling at life, I fed my babe, I prepped tonight's tea, I made the babes lunch, I packed the change bag and tidied the house, I was winning. When I went out at 12pm to my music class I was mum bossing it, I was on that high of this mum stuff is well easy, if this is how it is, keep it coming. Then the day ends with a huge glass of wine, my diary and a text to Sam with a blow your head emoji. I suddenly remember how quickly it all can change. So where is the balance, how can a day go so awol so quickly, I constantly go back to 'it's just a phase' but sometimes 'just a phase' is bloody hard!  I then remember the Monday's were I wasn't working out the needs of a 6 month old and my biggest challenge at home was what time to walk the dogs or what was the okay time to open the wine (with a baby it seems anytime after 4pm is okay).

The highs are so high, when those highs hit I am skipping with joy at my life, my love, my babe and my hounds. I look at that little brood and my heart melts, I look at that wee baby and remember how much we yearned, cried, pained and challenged ourselves for him. His beauty and innocence and forever smiling face of how pleased he is to be here.  I then feel that pang of guilt in that I miss my old ways and 'easy' life.  I feel bad that I sometimes wish he was older to communicate and allow me a sense of freedom, a sense of who I am. I then get an ounce of freedom and all I want is to be with my babe, the balance is so screwed in my own mind, how do I get it right or make sense of what it is I actually want.

The days feel easier the older he gets, as my hormones in some way calm down and a light shines as in 9wks I go back to work and work is part of my identity, however I then feel sad to be leaving this little beam of smiles and knowing I won't get this time again. However I can't deny I am looking forward to be part of a team again, a team that uses my brain, my knowledge and my expertise, bigger than the team I live in daily at the moment, just me and my babe where my brain is used minimally and it feels very repetitive.

 It's a crazy balance, maybe its winter that shifts these rhythms, maybe it's the newness of life with a small human, maybe it's the wild change I am going through and wanting to make sense of but really can't, maybe it's the change in my relationship I didn't expect or want but trying to reset and make sense of as these two different people, who whatever, are different to who they were 6 months ago.

One thing I do know is that it is a phase, it will change, I will look back and ask where has the time gone, I hold on to the magic of each day, like when Albie laughs at me for making a silly face, or he does something for the first time. I remember the want for this tiny human and although time has changed and I have changed, I am growing and that's not a bad thing, we are always developing and changing and although change can feel so unknown it can be good.

This whole process is unknown but I am trying to make sense of it and as each day passes I hope I am doing the best I can and hold on to myself in the best way possible.

I don't think finding the balance will every come easily but trying to adjust will and one thing I have learnt about myself in the last 6 months if you can raise a baby, you can do anything!

2019 a year of reflection.

As my babe has his early morning nap and I drink my morning coffee it feels a perfect time to jot some words down and reflect on 2019 and what's to come in 2020.

It's been a wonderful year in many ways, the stream of texts I have received sharing nothing will beat this year as Albie was born, it's a strange one as although it was a year of greatness due to the birth of my long awaited boy there's a deep part of me that is definitely ready to say goodbye to 2019 and welcome 2020 with open arms.

2019 did bring us Albie but it also brought us 7 months of worry before he was born, questions of would we be lucky enough to get to 9 months, was this really happening for us, learning to understanding a new world of pregnancy and saying goodbye to an old world of fertility treatment (which yes is great but it's also all we have known for 6yrs and had defined part of me in a lot of ways). I also held and still do guilt that we got our rainbow baby and all my friends still in the struggle of fertility hadn't. I also wasn't ready to forget the journey to get Albie as much as others had, it is and was part of our journey and it isn't easy to just forget it.

Albie came with a huge bang and although my honesty is hard for others it wasn't the enjoyable few months I had imagined, he was our world but our world also felt like it had crashed down and shattered around us and my mental health plummeted. I never thought that would be the case for me as I firmly believed years of trying would only bring pure happiness. I didn't cry when he was born, I felt relief we had survived. I loved him but didn't know him and felt very confused by what I could provide and what others expected from me. I am still traumatised from the birth, something I so hoped wouldn't be the case.

Albie came along which was wonderful but the impact it had on me emotionally and physically and on our relationship hasn't been great. I move into 2020 with plans of how to take care of myself, I have started in the last few months writing more, swimming, making plans for adventures and even setting some exciting new projects up in my work ready for when I go back in April.

As Albie has become more 'human' and not a squirmy ball of squish I understand him, enjoy him and love him harder every day. I feel my fierce lioness protecting him but its took time and I am not ashamed to admit that.

I chose to write openly and honestly as I hate the lies that parents are forced or choose to give about parenting being this 'easy ride' this glow of perfect paternal beauty, maybe it is for some but from what I find, when your open and honest, you allow someone else to be too and that in itself is so empowering for Mum's but also women supporting women.

So 2020 brings me going back to work, a change in my hours meaning more time with Albie but also a good balance for me to find me, I have worked hard to specialise in what I do and I am not ready to lose that, I am more than Albie's Mum.

It brings a holiday to Malham, Portugal, Isle of Arran, Italy and Shambala festival and many more adhoc van adventures.

It brings Sam sharing maternity/paternity leave and having 3 months of with our wee boy.

Mostly it brings a year of focusing on us, the five of us, our little family, we are complete now, and I am ready to embrace us as a whole and start this year focusing on the beauty we have between us, putting 2019 to bed and moving forward with a year full of fun and adventure.

The Big B’s

Were 3 months in and what a journey, it’s taken me till now to start finding the words to share our feeding journey, it’s also taking me 3 months to firmly accept where we are with it all and how feeding looks for us. I never realised the enormity of it all and pre pregnant me would have always said ‘if he needs a bottle then I am fine with that’ even looking at that statement makes me cringe as that’s where the root of the problem starts, I am already having to defend feeding with a bottle, why wouldn’t I be fine with that? Fed is fed right, after the years of trying to conceive the last thing I would chance was not feeding my baby, seems your head does crazy things when your placed in a challenging position where you feel you should be enough. 

Let’s roll back the years to 2006, when my boobs were HUGE and I made the decision to undergo breast reduction surgery i was informed the risk to breast feeding was there but as shared previously babies were the last thing on my mind. Therefore, when falling pregnant I always knew I may not be able to breastfeed, I told myself I was okay with that and stocked up on some bottles and pre-made formula to take in my bag. If the boobs didn’t work then at least the bottle was ready, i did however have some small hope as I had been showing signs of colostrum on my nipples, however I still told myself I was okay if it didn’t work for us, my midwife didn’t seem worried either so why would we. 

I have since found out I should have been referred to the specialist feeding workers for support in preparation to Albie being born. 

My labour was long, that’s for another blog but an element that’s important was my labour resulted in a c section, I am told a c section can interfere with breast feeding. I am also IVF and have been going through IVF for a number of years, meaning a hell of a lot of drugs have been pumped through my body, which again can cause problems in breast feeding and then to top it all off, I had my boobs lopped off, my nipples removed and stitched back on and more than likely my milk ducts damaged, so all in all things were looking bleak.

Albie came along with a hell of a bang, labour was traumatic, I was on a lot of drugs and my jaw was constantly heading west, meaning my brain was all over the place. When Albie went to latch the first thing I said was ‘are we allowed, Sam go ask the midwife’ to which my husband did and the lovely Rhian came and helped us latch him on and guess what, he fed, I wish I remember more of this feed but sadly I don’t, I have a photo and a blurry memory but what I do remember is something came out and they were happy with how he was feeding. This carried on into the night and the next day, we were checked a few times, and all seemed well, he was feeding, I was in shock and in all honesty wasn’t finding it too difficult. 

On day 3 the midwife came out, weighed him and he had gone down 13%, babies generally lose weight but it’s normally 10% max, as we had tipped over it resulted in lots of hospital appointments, harsh conversation and general frustration. The next 4 weeks turned into hell, and sadly gave us a very negative and unenjoyable first few weeks with Albie, we didn’t understand what we were doing wrong, we were doing what they asked but Albie still seemed so upset and cried a lot. We knew it wasn’t wind, reflux, colic and we were feeding him what we were being told but still had an unsatisfied babe. 

The clinic had us topping Albie up with formula, at first, they wanted him topped up with breast milk, however there wasn’t enough coming out in a feed so to try and express was just draining what there was in there. The top up’s we had to give in these sippy cups which were so awful and are used with premature babies, Albie was frustrated with them and we were stressed when trying to feed him. We were giving one ‘schedule’ by the midwife, which was then scrapped by the feeding specialist, which then changed when we were giving an appointment with another woman, by week 3 we had been giving 3 different ‘schedules’ to feed our babe but a still had a very sad unhappy baby. All 3 of us were breaking, and had no idea what to do, who to listen to or what was best, we also didn’t understand what was happening and how to make it right. 

When I read this back now, I scream at myself ‘HE WAS HUNGRY’ but at that point, when in the midst of it all I couldn’t work that out, maybe there was an element of ignorance, selfishness or dam right stupidity but when it actually came down to it what I realised was I didn’t want his main feed to be from a bottle, I wanted to feed my baby, I wanted to be what he needed, his nourishment, his drink, what helped him grow, I didn’t want formula to be that, I even asked Sam to call it his other milk as the word formula broke me, I felt I had failed and that word reminded me of that. 

The day I knew it needed to change was when he screamed, he screamed so much, and I cried, I asked him not to cry, I begged him not to and he carried on. My Mum turned up and held us both, she asked me what I felt was wrong, I again shared I didn’t know, we were doing what the clinic was telling us but he still wasn’t happy, mother hen made me look at a number of different things, we talked, we wrote lists, we narrowed it down, we thought fuck the clinic and I made him a bottle, a big bottle and together we fed him and he stopped crying, he nestled in and he was happy, he just needed a big feed, his tummy needed to be full and sadly however hard it was to admit I hadn’t been filling him up. 

From there we attended the clinic again and we told them OUR plan, we wanted to combine feed, they weren’t clapping for us but were supportive if that was our decision. 

Combined feeding hasn’t worked exactly for us, but I am still booby feeding or as I call it booby snacking, it’s comfort for me and him and although there isn’t much in there there’s something for him to enjoy. Combined feeding has allowed me to have time and space, since having Albie my mental health has been like a wave and it’s not having Albie that has done that but the pressure, medical treatment and unwarranted stress that has been put on me though out our whole fertility journey. By combi feeding Sam can take over, he can feed our babe and I can do what I need to do to look after me, I reflected a lot when I struggled with the bottle and started to realise when I was happy, he was, the bottle allowed that. 

I also have thought a lot about the pressure placed on women to feed, I see myself giving reasoning for why I bottle feed, explaining why I have made this choice, I then see I become part of the problem by being ashamed, I am now trying to be more proud and an advocate of bottle feeding and the benefits it can give. When did we as women become so less invaluable in this journey, motherhood is already hard enough without this other pressure, as a friend said ‘isn’t breast feeding just another way to shout women down’ powerful hey? I totally agree, if we don’t feel the guilt enough then isn’t breast vs bottle just another load right onto us. 

I am 3 months into this journey now and I am proud of myself, I feel the journey of boobing will soon end and I will be sad as I do enjoy this calm feed at night, but my babe loves to sleep and due to that he misses the night time snack out. I have giving him what he needs though, and he is deciding when he wants to stop, and I will be okay with that as overall, I know I have done the best I can for him. 

It took a while for me to bottle feed Albie out in public, I still don’t love it but I am better at it now, I still see judgement in others eyes but I sit tall and remember I am doing what I need to keep my baby alive and isn’t that the most important part in this whole feeding journey.

What's really in our control?

Do I allow myself to recognise what I have been through, still going through and how that impacts on me now. People feel this journey has ended for us, because we are now pregnant, I am a Mum now and Sam a Dad so why would we worry, haven't we got what we wanted? 

What I have to come to realise is with pregnancy there comes a whole host of worries and I think at this stage I feel more anxious now then I ever have. Of course there are days of pure magic and enjoyment but reality can really hit at times and until this baby is in my arms will I ever fully believe that I am a Mum.

I work in mental health, I know anxiety, I have always suffered with low mood off and on through my 20's but anxiety didn't hit, it creeped in when IVF started and it's a monster hard to extinguish. This week has been incredibly difficult and I had the realisation on Tuesday afternoon (when my Mum told me I looked pale) that I was feeling pale, washed out and tired. 

Since IVF started in Oct 2017 it's been go go go, that's either the pressure  around a cycle, that two week wait to see if we had conceived or moving through the process of recovery after a failed cycle but also attempting to create a life that wasn't ruled by IVF. This week I suddenly realised life wasn't ruled by injections and fertility treatment, I was now a pregnant women, working, planning and taking on her final few months before motherhood arrived, however this then led me on the next worry path of labour and breastfeeding, two things people talk to me about so much however both being something I need to think about due to the possibility of early induction being advocated and the risk of not being able to breastfeed due to me having a breast reduction when I was in my early 20's. The internet is a beauty at times but also a total bitch, it has held both these elements for me this week and I have felt myself slowly sinking into a pit of worry and uncontrollable emotion. Sammy shared last night he could see I was worried but I had to remember this time last year we didn't think we would ever have a baby so whatever happens our baby will be loved and that's what's important, not if it breastfeeds or is born through medical intervention.

It made me think, what can I control and what can't I? Something I am sat heavily with today.

How I emotionally respond to our pregnancy.

People keep telling me how excited I should be, don't get me wrong I am excited, how could I not be. I do feel I can control what comes in and what goes out, therefore I feel I can control what I take on, if it doesn't feel helpful I may not respond but that's because I haven't found being told how I should feel is helpful.

How much internet use I take on board.

I think from today I am going to disable certain apps on my phone, I do this now and again but feel I am procrastinating a lot and getting involved in a lot of spaces that may not be useful for me or my mental health at this moment. So I can control what I allow myself to be involved in on the internet and social media.

An element of my birth.

With being an IVF pregnancy it is suggested your induced at 39wks due to the risk of still birth, the information around this isn't clear and my midwife hasn't pushed it so I have decided against it as I don't believe the evidence I have read and believe it's focused more on over 40's. However if I do need to be induced this maybe out of my control, however what I can control is the environment, I plan to have essential oil's in the room, to be moving and using yoga/active birth methods and hopefully using water, my birth is totally out of my control but the environment I am in can to the best of my ability be in my control.  

Breastfeeding.

When I was younger I had boobs that were so big, my back hurt, my career was impacted and I was known as 'Claire with the massive tits'. I changed this when I had a breast reduction in my early 20's, breast feeding at the time was not on my radar and although I was told of the possible impact it wasn't important to me at this time.  I have read a lot around this on the internet and many women successfully breast feed in some way, this maybe combined feeding but they do manage to get some milk to feed. What I can't control is if I can breastfeed, I will only know this when my baby arrives, what I can control is what I do to attempt to support breast feeding, it will be hard, using expressing/pumping will become part of my daily routine after feeding (if possible) and continuous skin to skin for the first few days and holding babe to breast to help stimulate milk production (if any is coming through). It may look different to what I expected but it feels important for me and our baby and therefore I can't control what happens but can attempt to control how I support my body in enabling this happening.

How I look after myself.

I work as a Counsellor with young people impacted by domestic, sexual and historic abuse, I have realised I am taking on a lot and have plans to make some changes from the end of this month, freeing up another day a week for me, babe (and the dogs). I can look at what my weekends include and do what feels good for me, walking, resting, knitting, nature, being with good people. We have a few holidays planned which feels exciting and relaxing, I can control what I allow into my life to feel good for me and my soul.

This week has taken on a level of emotional tiredness and has hit my like a bolt out of the blue, as I write this the sun shines in through my bedroom window, women's hour plays in the background, my manager just told me to take the day to rest (when I rung into work) and my husband just text telling me he loves me. My head maybe a bit wobbly but how I move through this life is a lot in my control and writing helps me remember that.

What's my identity?

I am not sure if this question, or a similar style of question is what has been running through my mind recently, but I have had so many conversations with friends who are mothers and the challenge that lies under that identity.

For me becoming a mother was all I wanted from being young, it was something I dreamed of and was often warned, (told) don't get pregnant, my Mum even had me on the pill at 15 to ensure I was kept 'safe'.  It was also something I identified in becoming when I was in my 30's, married with kids, that's what it's about, yeah? The longer this journey takes me the more I see my mind move through such varying ways of identifying myself,  women are seen as mothers, it's a question asked as ultimately that's what we assume women become, for me though I am learning I fight with my identity all the time and have done for many years, I feel I have so many identities and at times which one I want to be under is hard to define, but for me that identity of mothership has changed and just being a mother is one I have realised I am so much more then.

I know this identity searching started a long time ago, however  when I decided to get married, becoming Claire Austin wasn't an easy choice and took some time for me to drop Winship and take on Austin. My main argument being a) why should I take his name  b) Winship is so much better then Austin  c) I didn't want to be just someone's wife and d) Claire Winship was my identity, I didn't feel like I knew who Claire Austin was. I remember discussing this with my Mum and she reflected back 'how happy have you been as Claire Winship?' powerful hey? I really sat with this and thought of the challenges being Claire Winship has brought, the unhealthy relationships, the lack of direction, the continuous power challenge with myself (and the world), the years of counselling and many other dark periods. I sat with this for some time and decided becoming Claire Austin didn't feel so bad, I was taking on a new identify, I was becoming a wife but also Claire Winship still lived within me and no matter what she wouldn't vanish but maybe feel more comforted and safe with this stronger Claire in control.  So that was that I made the decision to change my name, then to top it Sam found a rose called the Claire Austin rose and well the deal was done then.

Becoming Claire Austin, definitely meant Claire Winship was left behind and I guess in some ways she needed be, my lack of responsibility and actually giving a fuck wasn't good, I was lost in a world of partying, sex and unhealthy relationships and slightly broken underneath it all. The years of my 20's were some of my best, memories of dreamy worlds and nonstop energy, but also I put my body and mind through so much, it needed time to calm and heal. I moved into a slower pace, learnt to craft and explore and stop partying so hard, I qualified in my diploma and started working more in specialist areas, taking control of my career. I started to think of what I wanted next and how these next years would flow, motherhood feeling stronger and being one of these factor.  I have learnt the longer this fertility journey continues the more I realise the change in my view of motherhood, maybe motherhood will happen soon, maybe it won't but I know I carry worries around it all, worries I didn't have 3.5yrs ago. I know with pregnancy not happening I  have chose to focus on other things and selfish as that may seem, things like my career, social life and holiday life are things I don't want to change now, when motherhood does happen I want my life to still be able to incorporate all the things I love and have worked bloody hard for. These things now identify me and I love being identified as, the sexual violence counsellor, dog owner, van goer, festival maker, yogi, I know I can keep all these, but I guess I feel there will be some changes and I just don't know how willing I am to make those changes .

I also know I feel something towards friends who I feel have lost their identity since becoming a Mum or becoming pregnant, I struggle to connect and maybe that's because it's a world I am not part, understand of or maybe it's just sadness how lost we get in social structures of how we should behave. Whatever it is, things change and if I am honest, sometimes I just wish they didn't have too!

Benni 2009

Malham 2017

Beach Partying 2015

Glasto 2013

Bali 2014

Leeda fest 2010

Toonside 2009