Do I allow myself to recognise what I have been through,
still going through and how that impacts on me now. People feel this journey
has ended for us, because we are now pregnant, I am a Mum now and Sam a Dad so
why would we worry, haven't we got what we wanted?
What I have to come to
realise is with pregnancy there comes a whole host of worries and I think at
this stage I feel more anxious now then I ever have. Of course there are days
of pure magic and enjoyment but reality can really hit at times and until this
baby is in my arms will I ever fully believe that I am a Mum.
I work in mental health, I know anxiety, I have always suffered
with low mood off and on through my 20's but anxiety didn't hit, it creeped in
when IVF started and it's a monster hard to extinguish. This week has been
incredibly difficult and I had the realisation on Tuesday afternoon (when my
Mum told me I looked pale) that I was feeling pale, washed out and tired.
Since
IVF started in Oct 2017 it's been go go go, that's either the pressure around a cycle, that two week wait to see if
we had conceived or moving through the process of recovery after a failed cycle
but also attempting to create a life that wasn't ruled by IVF. This week I
suddenly realised life wasn't ruled by injections and fertility treatment, I
was now a pregnant women, working, planning and taking on her final few months
before motherhood arrived, however this then led me on the next worry path of
labour and breastfeeding, two things people talk to me about so much however
both being something I need to think about due to the possibility of early
induction being advocated and the risk of not being able to breastfeed due to
me having a breast reduction when I was in my early 20's. The internet is a
beauty at times but also a total bitch, it has held both these elements for me
this week and I have felt myself slowly sinking into a pit of worry and
uncontrollable emotion. Sammy shared last night he could see I was worried but I
had to remember this time last year we didn't think we would ever have a baby
so whatever happens our baby will be loved and that's what's important, not if
it breastfeeds or is born through medical intervention.
It made me think, what can I control and what can't I?
Something I am sat heavily with today.
How I emotionally
respond to our pregnancy.
People keep telling me how excited I should be, don't get me
wrong I am excited, how could I not be. I do feel I
can control what comes in and what goes out, therefore I feel I can control what I take on, if it
doesn't feel helpful I may not respond but that's because I haven't found being
told how I should feel is helpful.
How much internet use
I take on board.
I think from today I am going to disable certain apps on my
phone, I do this now and again but feel I am procrastinating a lot and getting
involved in a lot of spaces that may not be useful for me or my mental health
at this moment. So I can control what
I allow myself to be involved in on the internet and social media.
An element of my
birth.
With being an IVF pregnancy it is suggested your induced at
39wks due to the risk of still birth, the information around this isn't clear
and my midwife hasn't pushed it so I have decided against it as I don't believe
the evidence I have read and believe it's focused more on over 40's. However if
I do need to be induced this maybe out
of my control, however what I can
control is the environment, I plan to have essential oil's in the room, to
be moving and using yoga/active birth methods and hopefully using water, my
birth is totally out of my control but the environment I am in can to the best
of my ability be in my control.
Breastfeeding.
When I was younger I had boobs that were so big, my back
hurt, my career was impacted and I was known as 'Claire with the massive tits'.
I changed this when I had a breast reduction in my early 20's, breast feeding
at the time was not on my radar and although I was told of the possible impact
it wasn't important to me at this time.
I have read a lot around this on the internet and many women
successfully breast feed in some way, this maybe combined feeding but they do
manage to get some milk to feed. What I
can't control is if I can breastfeed, I will only know this when my baby
arrives, what I can control is what I
do to attempt to support breast feeding, it will be hard, using
expressing/pumping will become part of my daily routine after feeding (if
possible) and continuous skin to skin for the first few days and holding babe
to breast to help stimulate milk production (if any is coming through). It may
look different to what I expected but it feels important for me and our baby
and therefore I can't control what
happens but can attempt to control
how I support my body in enabling this happening.
How I look after
myself.
I work as a Counsellor with young people impacted by
domestic, sexual and historic abuse, I have realised I am taking on a lot and
have plans to make some changes from the end of this month, freeing up another
day a week for me, babe (and the dogs). I can look at what my weekends include
and do what feels good for me, walking, resting, knitting, nature, being with
good people. We have a few holidays planned which feels exciting and relaxing, I can control what I allow into my life
to feel good for me and my soul.
This week has taken on a level of emotional tiredness and
has hit my like a bolt out of the blue, as I write this the sun shines in
through my bedroom window, women's hour plays in the background, my manager
just told me to take the day to rest (when I rung into work) and my husband
just text telling me he loves me. My head maybe a bit wobbly but how I move
through this life is a lot in my control and writing helps me remember that.
