What does your family look like?

It's interesting, people's perception of what a family is and what it should look like... I wonder if asked how many of us would include kids in that.. as you all know our family doesn't contain kids, will it? who knows, it does contain a curly haired southerner, a long dog and me! This family of mine I have been trying to grow for a few years now, it's not happening in the way we hoped and since then a dog and a van has entered our lives, to which others have also asked 'are you sure' - how do we know when were ever sure what's the right thing... how many life events do we fall into and are we ever sure?

We have decided to grow our family a bit more and have made the decision to get another dog, a puppy... before we announce too much we have to go meet the little squirt and puppify the house. The few people we have told have responded with some rather random things.. the main being 'ARE YOU SURE?' -  however the really interesting one being how big a commitment it is and how will Socks cope. The psychology of this makes me laugh as surely that baby were trying for is a bigger deal then a puppy?!?! Of course, I don't deny a puppy will be hard work but the reality of the question in terms of why is an odd one to me, as why not? In comparison out of the two why is a puppy such a big deal but a baby isn't - that's an exciting deal. Then the 2nd worry of how Socks will be, jealous, left out, not cared for. How many of us think any of these things when it comes to a 2nd child? Does anyone say 'are you sure' or is it met with congratulations and excitement, surely two kids is bigger than two dogs, however comments aren't made and comparisons aren't shared as producing children is just what we do right? well for some! growing a family of kids is 'normal' but dogs - well that's just a big deal.

Sam and I may never have kids, our family may only be us and our dogs (and chickens), it's not the family I thought we would have, but it's one I love and gives me so much joy and pleasure. Were an odd little bunch we know that, but we love that. Were not where we expected, were far from it but we adjust and manage that. Where not always jubilant when we hear the news of another baby being born, were a bit broken underneath and sometimes it's too hard to find that piece of the jigsaw to celebrate, we get there but we know our family right now doesn't have that, and it hurts that we don't, we muster through, glue ourselves back together and heal. It's lovely seeing families grow, I am so happy other's don't always have to go through what were going through and can grow in the way they hoped.

My family though, it's growing differently and just because it's leftfield to what others assume it should, doesn't mean it provides anymore comment or shock, this is how were choosing to grow it and you know what... its making us dead happy!

How to try and grow a baby!

A friend of mine was pregnant with her 2nd child and she was sharing her wealth of books purchased in preparation for this new life. We laughed and giggled at the information in them, the knowledge they shared and what she was finding helpful/unhelpful... that friend smiled at me and said 'you can have them when you have your baby' she give me the hope I had started to lose, and at that point I needed that hope. I decided to take those books as for me they signified hope, hope that one day I would need their pearls of wisdom or laughter. They now live in a cupboard in the 'spare room' (I will come to this these hyphens) and I took one out recently, my heart warmed and my womb ached and my belief of pregnancy resided strong and that felt good... and with that this blog post came. 

I had wanted to write for a while but wasn't sure what too, it's true with writing you just know when you want to, an idea comes and the words flow.

I have been talking and sharing with a number of friends recently, some know a lot of what's happening for us, some not so much, some are there every step but what I am finding recently is how much I am holding space with others stories, their journey's and experiences of fertility and being a support in letting them off load but also sharing similar experiences or feelings. I am also aware that I seek out this on social media. I read something recently around how your instagram changes as you grow older and I know I now follow people with similar stories of loss, loss of fertility, loss of parenthood, loss of a child and I find courage and strength from their stories and messages. With that I wanted to share some of my own challenges and talk about why I have made changes and what I have found useful or not so useful, but not just that if someone takes an element of hope, strength or thought from reading, then the power of writing has done its work, as in this journey it's always good to know there are others out there wearing the cloak of fertility challenges and supporting and helping each other - even if it's just reading a blog, liking a picture, listening to a podcast or feeling warmed by an instagram story. 

In the last 3yrs my body has had some vast changes happen to it, I guess the major one being my endometriosis surgery - there's more and more research around this and the NHS are finally listening to women's experiences and offering surgery to rid the lesions that occur due to endometriosis. Endometriosis is when the lining of the womb (endometrial tissue) doesn't come out as blood (period) and goes back into the body, resting on other areas - bladder, ovaries, fallopian tubes etc and causing lesions and a lot of pain. I have had pain for years, in many ways and I had no idea there was a name for it, I just assumed I am a women, were always in pain. I found out when having an internal scan (and I winced with pain) that they were concerned, this concern led to more scans, surgery and a scar on my belly button. How does this affect fertility? well where the lesions occur they can block or stop the eggs and sperm happily meeting. For me I was pleased the surgery occurred, it may not change things and sadly it can't stop it coming back but it felt like something and it felt good my body was being cleansed. 

We also found out I have what's called a low ovarian reserve - basically my eggs are running out, which means the eggs left in there are a mix bad between some okay ones and some pretty bad ones. What does this mean for infertility, well like the old saying goes 'your clocks ticking' well ding dong mine certainly was. 

The next month (just over a year into our journey) we fell pregnant, I couldn't believe it, we stood in the kitchen with the pregnancy stick in shock, it was a light two lines but they were there. Sadly this turned into a early miscarriage but for us it was hope, they had final met, they just hadn't worked out they needed to stick together for longer. 

I started to research and found a lot around blood circulation, being cold and my endometrial lining, those bloody pesky eggs - which of these could this have caused my miscarriage?

Acupuncture & Reflexology

I don't love it, but it has amazing research around fertility and it also alerted me to look at my body temperature, I have always been a cold person, I used to make my friends put the fire on after a night out dancing, I have blankets everywhere in my house and I was a crap geordie who couldn't go out without her coat. I also suffer raynauds syndrome so have bad blood circulation - being cold isn't great when it comes to pregnancy as would you want to live in a cold home? Acupuncture has allowed my blood to flow more naturally and improved it's functioning, I now monitor my temperature daily and the change is mind-blowing. From a scale of ups and downs it's now levelling out and I am not as cold as I normally am, something Sam is happy about as it means the heating isn't on as much! 

I also found out about the importance of having a warm womb, hot water bottles pre ovulation on the tummy, then after ovulation on the feet. Acupuncture is Chinese medicine and it believes the feet energy lines are connected to the womb, therefore warm feet means warm womb, cosy socks, slippers and staying off cold floors - instantly my mind went to my constant refusal of wearing shoes, I even refused on our wedding day! uh oh, that explains the raynauds.  

I have also been working with a reflexologist, who does similar work in terms of working certain areas of my body through my feet to give better circulation. Why do I get the two as I love reflexology, the calmness and beauty of it is so relaxing and I feel rested and restored after it.

Diet

I haven't changed that much, I don't go out as much, a bottle of wine lasts me a week rather than a night (in the house) with the girls down the pub well that's a different story. Curry Friday's still exist and cake, well that's not going anywhere. However I did decide to lose some weight as I had started to become comfortably round and I knew that wasn't good for me emotionally, physically or mentally for this journey. So I looked at fertility friendly foods and started adding more of those into my diet beetroot juice, almonds, avocado's, spinach, eggs, pineapple (around possible conception time), soups and stews, chilli and cinnamon - these foods help blood flow and support implantation if that little embryo/blastocyst make it to that stage. The womb has to be a cosy and nurturing place for it to live so needs a good blood flow to make a thick uterine lining, supposedly these foods help do just that.

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I have started drinking more decaf tea, herbal teas - ginger especially (again blood circulation) and water. It is a challenge as I don't drink a lot of water but I purchased a huge bottle and make myself drink that every day! It's still not enough but it's better than I was. 

Yoga

I found more fertility poses have started coming into my practice, legs up against the wall being my main one, pushing the blood back to the womb and again helping the lining. My yoga practice does vary however even if I haven't practiced I try to find space before bed to shuffle my bum against the wall and whack those legs up, it just feels so nice. 

Blogs and Podcast's 

One day I started searching, I wanted to hear other's voices and experiences and I came across Elle from Feathering the Empty Nest she just spoke to me, there was something alive about her and I felt connected to this lady who was surviving a loss so deep and painful. I found strength from her words and her stories and I found something lifted in me. I would recommend her blog, instagram (even if it's just to adore Boris the Pug) as she is a true ray of sunshine and she makes me smile on daily basis. 

I also found out about  Alison Perry who has a brilliant podcast, a lot about being a Mum, I must be honest and say I haven't listened to those but the one's around fertility challenges are incredible and Alison herself has just conceived naturally through IVF. 

The Spare Room

When we moved into our 3 bedroom house, we knew which room would be our nursery, however sadly with no pregnancy the room stayed barren - like my womb (dark but true) - it became a dumping ground and we just left it to be that until it needed to be anything else. I moved into this year with the decision it needed to be different, that room needed to be decorated and it needed to be more than an empty room. So with that we started, I plastered my favourite colour purple on the wall and started making plans for a spare room/nursery. I had to believe it would be that as otherwise it would just stay ugly and unoccupied. It's still undergoing it's changes but it looks so nice already, I want to put plant's in it and fill it with life, with the hope the same may happen in my somewhere else. 

Writing

I use my blog, and my journal, I have always used writing as a therapy as I believe feelings come up for a reason, it's our body saying something so it's important to acknowledge those feelings. I have started writing more recently just a few pages a day but more to acknowledge how I feel and why I feel that way, whether that's fear, anxiety or frustration by putting it somewhere it stops it living in my body. 

Talking

I don't share everything with everyone, there's some close queen bee's out there who know, and others who know a little. I do talk about it, as I am not ashamed, embarrassed or afraid of other's reaction's. I was sick of being asked 'when are we having kids' which prompted me to be honest as  people actually need to learn it's not appropriate to ask that question. However it helps, talking helps make sense of it all and talking with women experiencing similar problems helps even more, however sourcing them out can be hard, however by talking does just that, believe me I have made some new found friends through sharing what's going on for me and finding they had similar or shared experiences. 

Me & Curly

Lastly I started believing in the power of she, the power of us and the hope I have in us and the strength of just being who we are. I trust in my body, it's gone through a lot but I know she will deliver and she will give me what is right when the time is right. 

I am part of the strong girls club and I know I got this!  

*this information shared is my own information from my own reading and research, it in no way say's by doing all this it will get you pregnant, it's my journey and my experience of as the blog is titled 'How to try and make a baby'*

Christmas Merriment and Yurting joy.

For those of you who I have been around recently would have heard me say I can’t believe how quickly 2014 has come around, my last blog was about moving out and now we only have two weeks left at our friends and three weeks till our trip, so with that hasn't time flown by….

Christmas was beautiful, I read my blog from last Christmas this morning and it’s interesting to look at where I was there to where I am now, I was reapplying for university, living in our flat and making decisions for my future. I guess at least the latter is still true, decision making is always at the forefront of my mind and my friends know I am always planning and making changes to my life, I am not happy sitting content and I don’t know what that’s about but as a Counsellor I could definitely look for a deeper meaning, today I will just look at as an excitement for adventure and filling my life with goodness!

After the intensity of my most recent course it was nice to spend 2 weeks relaxing at Christmas, I love being in my family home, it makes me feel very happy and relaxed and the feeling of Christmas is so strong it’s like a magic in the air. The run up to Christmas was nice but without being in our own nest it didn't feel the same and I missed that Christmassy feel of decorating a tree, crafting decorations and hanging stockings, so to arrive in Newcastle to my Mum’s grotto was bliss and filled me with delight.

We always stay in on Christmas eve, I used to go out but feel being at home is special and important, we eat delicious food, swap a Christmas present, put our Christmas PJ’s on and watch something Christmassy, its beautiful and I know it will be a tradition I will carry on when I have kids. Sam and I spent Christmas apart (again) this year which was hard and didn't feel right but it was what we decided due to our trip, I missed sharing Christmas morning with him and speaking on the phone is never the same as being present together. After this year we agreed next year we would be together and the year after (fingers crossed) where in our own place and have agreed it would be spent in our home – together, yeah!

Sam arrived on the 27th and we went and spent two nights in a Yurt at Wild Northumbrian http://www.wildnorthumbrian.co.uk/ , it was a present I bought for Sam in November but I thought booking it over Christmas would be a delight and would be really magical, it certainly was that. We stayed in the Merle Yurt and agreed to have our Christmas here, we took our family dog – bowdog and spent two glorious nights with Wild Northumbrian in the beautiful Kielder Forest. For those of you who don’t know Kielder it’s another amazing part of Northumberland and recently won the best darkest skies (basically meaning there is no light pollution so the stars are incredible), the yurt had been decorated beautiful and when we arrived they had the log burner going and the candles on, we spent the evening drinking mulled wine and feasting on veggie stew, exchanging gifts and talking of our Christmas days, I felt so happy and blessed it was more than I could have asked for.

The next day we enjoyed breakfast, watched Bow running around (and under) the Yurt and enjoyed the beauty of the scenery around us, wild northumbrian is positioned in a beautiful area and it was just incredible to be out in December in the wonderful countryside. We found a nice walk to go on that day and walked a good 8 miles through Kielder national park, the dog loved it and enjoyed the freeness of the country air, we had our cameras out and got some lovely shots of our walk and the beaming sunshine surrounding us.

NYE was spent in with the family, eating delicious food and enjoying plenty of sparkle; it was nice to not be out and about and just enjoying family time.

2013 A New Year with a challenging start.

2013 hasn’t been the start I had hoped and wished for, after a lovely Christmas with the family, it just feels January and February have been testing me as to what are the right choices ahead of me. I sometimes feel so contrived to achieve certain milestones in my educational attainment due to the constricted world we live in when applying for health related jobs. Everything is governed by professional registration at the moment and even being a qualified counselor (something I thought as a child was a brilliant career) is not even regarded now for statutory employment. I have always wanted to stay in the voluntary sector as believe more in the work voluntary agencies do but sadly even there getting stringent on professional qualification’s leaving me and my hard working background a little bit stuck. As I mentioned in my last blog I had decided to apply for midwifery and since doing so have had a few wobbles whether it’s the correct route and fear of the degree being too medical rather than the holistic way I have studied worked over the last 10yrs, I wondered if this was the best way to get my registration and if I could work with vulnerable pregnant women without a midwifery qualification but with my counseling and experience, sadly the jobs are so scarce right now it’s hard to even research this as there is  nothing to compare too. With all these thoughts and thinking I then received 2 unsuccessful from UCAS stating my GCSE grades did not meet the course requirements, even though I met L3 my L2 was not suffice, so I meet the higher grade but not the GCSE grade I sat 14yrs ago, madness. I resided myself to the fact Midwifery was out and maybe my reservations had been fate telling me there was different ways to enhance my career. I then received an invite to London South Bank for interview, after passing numeracy and literacy tests I then attended an interview, after a 4hr wait and a dehydration setting in, I entered the interview room and the first thing asked was ‘do you have 5 GCSE’s at grade A*-C’ I thought it was a joke and again had to explain my educational journey from school to now, another long tiring journey, with this I was told my application could be at jeopardy due to my not having these grades. I attempted to sell myself with my placement working with women exiting street prostitution, my current employment working with families with substance misuse problems and my extensive health studies course that covered English, Human Anatomy, Physiology, Maths but still they were not satisfied. They then interviewed me and I did the best I feel I could but sadly my grades from so long ago may impact if I gain a place on the course. I left disheveled and low but felt a discouragement from the University and a wonder in my mind if this was the University I wanted to study at and was all these negative signs someone telling me this was not the change I should be chasing.

In other news I was told I was facing redundancy and then two days later told I was not, another shock to the system and another time when I wondered ‘is this what life is about and is this the country I want to be living in right now’.

My mind keeps going back to my first thoughts of exploring, buying a one way ticket to India and making our way around the world, practicing yoga, gaining life experience, seeing family and friends, working and strengthening our minds. I keep questioning is this something I could do, is there fear in me that stops me and asking what is that fear – Letting others down? Feeling a failure? Missing an opportunity? Or is it just the general rule that I feel society puts on women and that at 29 (nearly 30) should I not be starting a family and getting a good career, but then the part of my personality that strives for excitement and fun, rebels against this concept and tells me to follow my dreams and take the adventure.  I have this underlying fear that keeps me in the safe comfortable reality but I can feel myself yearning for more and a main fear is one day it will be harder, it will never be too late but other obstacles will be in the way, whereas now there is nothing (apart from my chickens) if Sam and I wanted to take this opportunity we could, we could work away for some part and see where our traveling toes take us. Sadly it’s not just my fear I am fighting its Samuel’s too, the fear of the unknown can be the biggest cause of regret I feel, it’s just so hard that fear can control so much of our thoughts. Adventure to be or not to be, watch this space.

Our beautiful Murphy was killed by a fox, the day was a horrid and torturous one and I didn’t realise how much I loved my chickens, we put flowers with her as we said goodbye and hoped she had found her chicken heaven. Safe travels Danny Murphy, RIP.

One fun thing that has been happening is craft night aka knitting group, me and a few of my girlies have been getting together and learning the skill of knitting, it’s been so much fun and a brilliant way to get everyone together to craft and learn new skills. If people choose to carry it on that’s amazing, but if not it’s just been nice, having a natter and knitting along the way. So far my crafting has taught me how to make a patchwork blanket, 3 cushions and a mug hug.

Sammy bought me a new bike, a red Britannia Pashley, she is adorable and sometimes I find myself longingly looking at her, feel like a princess riding her and feel she has definitely brought a smile to the start of 2013.

My Mum and Ronnie’s dog Bow is definitely a delight to 2013 also, she is full of energy and puts a smile on my face every time I return home, her enthusiasm to play brings an electric feel to the room and when I am with her I forgot the stress of the ‘real world’ and enjoy silly Bow time world.

Spring is in the air and it feels delightful outside, roll on May for a month of birthday brilliance and Vietnam travels.