3yrs on... still trying, lets plan a holiday!

Ooof where to start today, my holiday maybe, we decided to go away for some sunshine, we couldn't go to India for certain reason's, so chose the next hot place we could afford, La Palma, Canary Islands, 'as it always is sunny in the Canaries they say', hmm, seems not. This isn't  a blog about my holiday but a blog about what keeps me going through the torrent of trying to conceive. One of those things being planning and organising delicious things to keep me sane and have things to look forward too. So the Canaries was not hot, my holiday wasn't super relaxed and i missed Socks (not literal Socks, my doggy).

I realised a few things on this holiday, it was a time for reflection and a time to recognise how we move into our 3rd year, still childless, still hoping and not letting this journey break us. I don't want to mumble through a sad, poor me blog, as i dont feel poor me, i dont feel 'why us' were happy, healthy and have a great life but there's challenge that comes that no one can feel unless they have experienced or realised what it's like having years, not months, years of trying, waiting, hoping then disappointment each month for years and still at the end still not knowing if i will ever grow a baby.
What i realised on my holiday was i have changed, this journey has changed me, i see the world differently to how i used to 3yrs ago, i see fertility differently, i see my body differently and how it functions and responds. I see others differently and how they react and respond. I know who my towers of strengths are, friends who have supported me in ways that have given me what i needed just when i needed it, that self care package that turns up through the post or little quote that makes me smile. I have seen positive and negative changes in me, i have learnt i am strong and have a really positive view on this world and people. I have learnt it's okay to not want to hang out with that friend who has just had a baby, it's okay to say 'actually i just need a bit of space'. Saying no isn't being selfish, it's self care.  I have realised my dog, Socks gives me more than any human, she makes me smile when no one else can, she lets me cry and clearly doesn't say it's going to be okay and she makes me get out and walk when sometimes i want to hide. I now realise anxiety is part of my life, i do struggle at times and being in my nest makes me feel safe and secure. Yoga gives me strength and when i take time to commit to 20mins a day it gives me the power to go through the day. I have learnt blogging and writing lets me express and share and its cathartic and therapeutic.

I have also learnt so many people experience or have experienced fertility related problems and when you talk about it, people share who have never shared before. I do enjoy hearing stories of other people's journeys but from their mouths not others, as everyone has a friend who....

I want fertility issues to be something more talked about, i am open and honest about our journey, some things i chose not to share, as i have to remember there is 2 of us in all of this, but i want is it to be okay to say 'you know what it isn't happening for us' that doesn't mean i am going to break down crying, i don't need your sympathy or sad face just talk to me like this is okay and just another of life's challenges.

So what happens next who knows, what i have learnt is that knowing something delicious is on the cards, then that keeps me focused, keeps me strong and lets me know what i have is already enough.

Our Socks

It's been a year since we picked Socks, and i have been meaning to post this blog for about a year,  i felt with her years anniversary it was time to write.

The question i am mostly asked is why a greyhound, if i am honest (and i hate saying this) i didn't want a greyhound for years i have said no to one, i was told they smell and there big, i wanted a cute fluffy thing or a pug, obviously. However the agreement was if we were getting a dog it was to be a greyhound and Sammy loves them so i felt now he was on board with a dog i may as well go with what he loves. Sam then pulled at my heart strings with the retired, no home, needing love and i was hooked. How could i let a 4yr old dog live in a kennel after being forced to race for the start of her years. So we liked the facebook page and started dog spotting, we knew we wanted to be off when we first got her so knew we had to wait till the October half term. I was so excited, it was actually happening.

We first spotted Socks when we were in Sri Lanka, she popped up on the facebook site and we were in love when we saw her. We contacted the greyhound trust and they informed us they couldn't reserve dogs online, however because Socks was black she wouldn't go quickly. Mad right, the black dogs are the hardest to go as they don't photograph very well. When we got back we arranged the weekend, full of excitement and nerves we decided to take Bow and my rents with us as obviously Socks and Bow would become firm friends.

We headed up to Northumberland Greyhound Rescue out in the wilds of Northumberland and asked to see Socks, we were so pleased to hear she was still there, we walked her and knew she was our girl, we didn't need to meet any of the others, we reserved her and started prepping the nest for her arrival in 2 weeks. We went back a couple of times to see her, it was so hard as we just wanted to take her home however we knew it was best to be off with her so had to endure the wait.

When she came home it was so nice but also really new for us, she was so nervous, she didn't know how to settle and where her place was. Socks had slept in a kennel from being born so therefore being in a house with central heating and cosy beds made no sense to her. There was a lot of leaning going on, her form of cuddling and resting her head on our shoulders, just so you knew you she was there.
Socks didn't make a peep of a noise for around 8wks, she wouldn't go through stiles on country walks and she often kept herself behind us when walking. The stairs were a mindful for her and after a few days of attempted training we give up and thought why does she need to go upstairs. On mornings when we wanted her upstairs Sam would carry her up and she would come for a snuggle.

We were told she may suffer from separation anxiety however we didn't find that, she slept in the kitchen fine and lies in till late, snug on her bed. When we put the fire on she lazes relaxed in front of it, her heart content. The first noise we heard from Socks was her exasperated stretch, we knew she was happy when she did her upside down legs in the air sofa stretch. The first time she barked we got the shock of our life and when she growled we knew she was finding her voice.

I work with traumatised children, they lose their voice due to shock, there shy, timid and don't know what home is. They look for nurture and comfort, safety and security. I felt Socks looked for all this, she was our traumatised pup  and with love and comfort she became strong, brave and confident.
Socks has literally changed our world, she is the perfect dog for us and fits into our life so well.

The first few times we took her in the van she wee'd, we assumed this could be because  when she was being transported to race she would have been in a van. However when she got used to it, she settled and literally loves time away in it. When were packing she knows it's vanlife time and the first time we saw her run upstairs was when she was so excited her burst of energy just sent her flying up there. When we stayed somewhere with grass and she felt it on her body she went crazy, loving the feel and squirming all over it.

In the morning she heads outside in the garden and then bolts back in, spinning with excitement. Her first trip to the beach she ambled slowly, after that she took to the water and spun crazily round and round with such joy.

People laugh at us, some people don't fully understand, that's fine but for us Socks has filled a void, in a time when it's been hard she has given us something to live for. She isn't a child, we know that, Sam tells me off for that but she is an animal that brings unconditional love and smiles. In my work i always ask if an animal is present in the family, when there is they are normally the child or adults confidant, they can tell them anything and what they get back is love, licks and warmth. That's what Socks gives to me, she brings a smile on a darken day, she makes me go out when i want to nest, when sometimes i feel there is no point she makes me realise how great our unit of 3 is and how without her Sam and I would be lost.

So why a Greyhound? Why not, there bloody amazing!

Claire x

2016 – A year of unexpected.

2016, a time of crafting, reflection and thing’s not always going the way we planned, however other things came about that were unexpected and we made a year that could have been tiresome into something just as beautiful.

Jan 2016 

We had different plans for 2016, we bought a house and that became our focus, spending the money we had to decorate it the best we could, we got creative with colour, wallpaper, tiles and boldness and made a house into our home. 

March 2016

The Hens came home, then they multiplied. We always knew we wanted our hens back, it was a jolt in us moving as the rented flat wouldn't allow us to have them, so when we started to be settled i spoke to Jill, a friend who was looking after them in Rothbury, she was moving and looking to re-home them so it worked a treat, Spring came and they arrived on the back of a truck, one had sadly passed due to a sore foot but Maisy and Mavis joined us again, these two have moved all over the UK, i was pleased to see them back where they belong. We decided to purchase a few more hens, so went for two hybrid layers and another two bantams. The coop got bigger and after a few teething problems they all become a flock and enjoyed being together. Sadly we lost Maisy just before Christmas, she must have been around 6 so had good innings for a hen, Sam found her passed at the back of the coop, with her mate Mavis (aka Tina Turner) watching over her. We have a new hen coming in the next week from my Aunty, Nicola the black rock, hopefully the girls will accept her and there wont be too much bullying.

Spring/Summer 2016

We took many a walk out in the country and coast, enjoying the Northumberland air, we took trips to some old haunts but also some new.

August 2016

We then decided to take a trip to Sri Lanka, however just before going we purchased Betty, we had always decided we wanted a campervan project, however didn't expect this to happen until 2017, an opportunity presented itself though and it was too good to miss, so a few days before flying we headed to Sheffield to pick her up and bring her home.

We took our travelling toes off again mid August, not thinking we would have the opportunity to this year, we found cheap flights and decided what the hell, why not. We booked 3wks off work and decided to explore a this enchanting country (i hope to write a blog about Sri Lanka, so watch this space). Sri Lanka was beautiful, really laid back and chilled out, tasty food, the most beautiful beaches and sights that were awe inspiring, my highlights were climbing Sigiriya and all the beaches, lots of relax, book reading, life planning and silliness with my love. 

October 2016

We came back to England and decided it was time for us to become 3, it wasn't happening any other way so why not this way. The decision to get a dog did not come lightly, i have wanted a dog for years however its just never felt right, my love of pugs moved and Sammy suggested we take home a retired greyhound, it's a dog i didn't know a lot about however Socks is perfect for us. Socks loves a good walk, but also a good rest, she is affectionate and loves a cuddle and her nature is just to die for. We have made many good decisions this year, but this one was one definitely beats the rest, we visited http://www.northumberlandgreyhoundrescue.org.uk/ up in Steele, luckily for us we had already seen Socks online and she was still there when we went to meet the dogs, from the moment we saw her we knew she was our girl. A few weeks later, home she came and we haven't looked back.

At the end of October i became an Aunty, my brother and his fiancee had a baby boy called Miles, blessing us with his gorgeous smile, cute face and delicious baby smell. I got my craft on and made him a mobile, i went down the safari animal play and got creative with my miniature knitted world books. 

November 2016

Winter came with a mix of feelings, we thought we would be ending the year with different news but sadly it hasn't happened for us yet, lots of tests and appointments and investigations so some good news and bad over the winter months, i will write about this more when the time comes but for now it is filled with a mix bag of emotions.

December 2016

December came with a new project in tow, something i am going to blog further about but i had decided to bring a living advent window to my local community, lots of planning, preparation and organising and the project came together, each day a new window was reveled in the community displaying an advent/Christmas/winter theme. On the 24 December, all 24 windows were open and the full advent trail could commence. The project was great with amazing participation, here's a sneak of our window, each window would have a short description with it so people could learn the story behind the design.

 Our window was based on my snowy walks with our wonderful greyhound. 

2017

2017 starts with difficulties but i have developed a mantra 'believe in the hope' to push me through any negatives that maybe trying to flood my mind. I have an operation coming up next week and i plan to stay as positive as i can, i have incredible support around me and being in the arms of those souls keeps me going on this challenging but wonderful journey called life. 

ps - here's to more blogging, its my constant, please feel free to leave comments, i love hearing folks feedback and stories. 

Claire x