Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys

Today at work I learnt an old Polish Proverb that reads, ‘Not my Circus, not my Monkeys’ – it instantly connected to me, a mental image of monkeys climbing on my back and me doing all I could to bat them away, get those crawling monkeys off, there clingy hands holding on and the stress taking over to remove them and shout your not mine, go away.

How often I take on the ringleader in so many circuses of life, even when it’s not my circus I have always seemed to end up in the middle of it all, wondering how I remove myself and like the proverb says, get these monkey’s off me.

My main drama was always with friends, it was painful at times and hurt a lot how my circus with friends seems to have lessened over the years, I spend my time with a few close friends who don’t bring drama, we mainly discuss dogs, crafting, feminism, recycling, wine, tea and cake. Over the years I would be pulled into the drama of everyone’s life and revelled in some weird pain of taking on everyone’s emotion’s and trying to fix things. I don’t know if this is the ‘counsellor’ in me or the friend that likes to see others happy, whatever it was though I soon realised it was getting me down and slowly breaking me. The day I took insight into myself and made steps to back away from the drama I realised how much lighter and happier it made me.

Sometimes, some days that squirmy feeling creeps in though when a situation arises and my fixing wand comes out, it may not be as involved but its creeping on the outside trying to poke its way in to wave a magic spell and make it all okay, which ultimately makes me feel pap and again stressed out.
I was sharing with my Manager at work today a situation that’s recently occurred, when she said, ‘it’s not your monkey’ leave it, at first, I laughed, what monkey?! with further explanation it all made sense – the monkeys the circus, how many times have I took on the ring leader role and ended up trying to train all elements of the circus and then being disappointed at failing? It’s at times made me so broke and sad and took a long time to heal from it. This proverb just made me look back, reflect and think if it’s not mine to take care of then leave it to someone else to look after. If it’s not my monkey to take care of it’s not my monkey to train.

My husband is great for being my balance, he lets me rant then just asks ‘why are you getting involved’ he knows what gets to me and what stresses me and knows what I need to leave alone. Sam basically knows what’s not my monkeys better than I do.

So in that when something unfolds I will ask myself, who is the ringmaster, which monkeys are mine (if any), is this my circus.

Sometimes letting others sort their own monkeys out is kinder then me doing it for them.

Goals, Chapters and New Beginnings.

At the start of last year I took my bullet journal out and made some 2017 goals for the year ahead.  I then closed my diary and forgot about most of them. However when I took my diary out again this year to write my goals for 2018 it seemed I hadn't forgot any from 2017 and managed to put a nice tick next to them all. You can imagine how happy I was.

I was asked by a friend on New Year's Day about what I most wanted for this year ahead, it's hard to decide when the one thing I would like is out of my control. However my reflection on last year was my wants are the same however I had found many other things that I hoped to achieve and felt them important to enhance and enrich my life.

It's also strange how you can write things down then subconsciously take those goals on and prosper in them. I feel pleased within myself that through such a challenging year I looked after myself in more ways then I knew and managed to end the year smiling.

I read somewhere the year brings 12 new chapters, I loved this thought, in therapy work we talk about each session being a chapter in that young person's story, it's a section we are uncovering in our life and trying to make sense of.  When thinking of the 12 new chapters in my life I realised they weren't too different to last year, adventures, believing in hope, development, positive challenge and riding the more difficult parts of our journey right now. We move into 2018 knowing we have a lot more challenge to come but we move in stronger together and knowing that we have got this.

Writing in words how we manage and cope isn't the easiest, we don't look for pity or understanding, it's cathartic and therapeutic for me to write, it also allows a space to flow and be free. The journey of unexplained infertility doesn't take up my everyday thoughts, it hurts and is so different from the path i expected however I put time and energy to achieve and succeed in so many other areas of life. I feel I enrich my life with dreamy adventures and live as the Danish say a Hygee lifestyle, living my life in a warm and cosy way allows a safety around myself that gives comfort and self care which promotes a positive well being for myself and for others around. My manic way of once living has completely calmed and although we are busy it is always with kind natured fun.

So what does 2018 bring - development of my yoga business, exploring 5 new places in the UK in the van, a challenging knitting project, developing yarn social night,  grow pumpkins, remembering what I have is enough and staying kind and true to myself, family and friends.

So with the tree down, the house cleaned and reorganised and this being the last day of my Christmas annual leave and I plan to write, knit, finish my Christmas tv, drink tea and eat Christmas cake. It's been a delightful rest and I move into 2018 ready for the next chapter.