Boobies!

God I love them, I always have, mostly other people's but in the last 13yrs (to be exact) my own too. I can't remember the exact age I started developing but I know it felt too soon, there's certain points in your life you remember, a booby point of mine being my Mum arguing with a women in Marks and Spencer about the size of my back and me being mortified but also knowing my Mum was doing what was right for me, plus Mum's know best and she was buying them! 

These boobs of mine started growing and basically have never stopped, at my biggest I was a HH and if I am honest at the moment, I have no idea what size I am measuring at, but I am guessing a G cup.

My boobs at times have been my greatest asset, you can't complain when you're hitting the big market at 16 (sorry Mum) and getting in places as obviously big boobs meant no id. They became my identity as I started to explore relationships with the other sex and felt a 'huge' part of who I was. I guess for me they offered me something when I wasn't the most attractive, I look back now and recognise how little I felt inside but how big on the outside. 

My view started to change about my boobs when a few things happened, from somewhere I got the nickname of a 'weeble' you know those toys that wobble back and forward but never fall down, yep that's what I was likened too. It never made sense to me as if anything I was top heavy not bottom. I remember a flatmate and her bf once putting my bra on their heads and thinking this would be funny, yeah great joke. I also remember wanting a nice top for a night out and nothing fitted, I was 18/19 and struggling to find an outfit as my massive straps were always on show, back and shoulders. There were many incidents like this but a huge change was when I started working with young people in a youth offending role and I became known as 'the worker with the massive tits' at this point I decided I needed a change and made the decision to visit my doctors. 

I recognise I am not the only women with big boobs, a huge factor for myself  was that I was a HH on the front but only a 30 on the back, hence my Mum's argument in Marksy's as they always wanted me in a 32, resulting in another failed bra purchase. This meant at the early age of 20 my back was constantly in pain and I was definitely top heavy, every bra fitter would be astonished at my back to boob size, at times I felt on show for others to see.

My doctor was fantastic, she listened, supported and sent the letter recommending a reduction, I remember that appointment like it was yesterday, my Mum came with me and supported me it was a  difficult discussion but we agreed if it was what I wanted she would be there for me. 

In 2006 at the age of 23 I underwent a bilateral breast reduction, I remember the surgeon stating on reduction he would take them to a size that would still suit my body, however there were risks a main one being breast feeding, due to the resizing of the breast and nipple the milk ducts and nerves could be cut and damaged. At 23 this was so far from my mind, feeling happier in my body was my main goal. 

The surgery went well, they removed 655 grams from each breast, and left me at a FF cup, this may still sound big but it was the extra weight that changed, my boobs now sat where they were meant to and not down at my waist. My back felt lighter and I didn't feel like I needed to wear a hammock to hold myself in. 

Sadly I did become unwell after surgery and developed an abscess in my left breast, I won't talk about this too much as I still don't regret my surgery, but the abscess left me very unwell and they way the treated the abscess was in my eyes barbaric and left extra scarring on my left breast. As you can imagine Mama bear was not happy and she sure let them know. 

My surgery didn't just change my physical body but also where I was in that time of my life, my relationship, my goals and my passions, it opened up so much with this new self confidence and new sense of self. What I realised was I had been so lost and trapped and suddenly I felt free again, free to explore, understand and connect. I did just that with a lot of up and downs but with a satisfaction I was happy and finding me.

Recently that connection with my body and these boobs has come up again due to being pregnant, I realised breast feeding was something I hope to be able to do and if I am honest, always believed I would be able too. A few months back I went into a mild state of panic realising this may be impossible and I admit I became sad, annoyed and questioned if my surgery was selfish and wrong. As always discussing it with Sammy and giving myself space to think allowed me to reflect on the obvious, this time last year a pregnancy didn't feel possible so boob or no boob my babe will still be loved and certainly fed, breast or bottle. 

This ever changing relationship we have with our bodies over various periods of our lives is constant and I know will carry on, I have had signs booby feeding maybe possible, how much who knows. I watch them change in this pregnancy and possibly take on a new role in my life but whatever we have been through there's no denying my boobs have moulded and shaped so much of me and will carry on doing so. 

I have toyed with sharing my before and after pre op photos and have made the decision not to, there impressive I tell you, but for personal and professional reasons i feel putting my boobs online isn't a great idea. In that I decided no photo's were necessary, it's the words that count and well, there my boobs that have been looked at enough! 

What's really in our control?

Do I allow myself to recognise what I have been through, still going through and how that impacts on me now. People feel this journey has ended for us, because we are now pregnant, I am a Mum now and Sam a Dad so why would we worry, haven't we got what we wanted? 

What I have to come to realise is with pregnancy there comes a whole host of worries and I think at this stage I feel more anxious now then I ever have. Of course there are days of pure magic and enjoyment but reality can really hit at times and until this baby is in my arms will I ever fully believe that I am a Mum.

I work in mental health, I know anxiety, I have always suffered with low mood off and on through my 20's but anxiety didn't hit, it creeped in when IVF started and it's a monster hard to extinguish. This week has been incredibly difficult and I had the realisation on Tuesday afternoon (when my Mum told me I looked pale) that I was feeling pale, washed out and tired. 

Since IVF started in Oct 2017 it's been go go go, that's either the pressure  around a cycle, that two week wait to see if we had conceived or moving through the process of recovery after a failed cycle but also attempting to create a life that wasn't ruled by IVF. This week I suddenly realised life wasn't ruled by injections and fertility treatment, I was now a pregnant women, working, planning and taking on her final few months before motherhood arrived, however this then led me on the next worry path of labour and breastfeeding, two things people talk to me about so much however both being something I need to think about due to the possibility of early induction being advocated and the risk of not being able to breastfeed due to me having a breast reduction when I was in my early 20's. The internet is a beauty at times but also a total bitch, it has held both these elements for me this week and I have felt myself slowly sinking into a pit of worry and uncontrollable emotion. Sammy shared last night he could see I was worried but I had to remember this time last year we didn't think we would ever have a baby so whatever happens our baby will be loved and that's what's important, not if it breastfeeds or is born through medical intervention.

It made me think, what can I control and what can't I? Something I am sat heavily with today.

How I emotionally respond to our pregnancy.

People keep telling me how excited I should be, don't get me wrong I am excited, how could I not be. I do feel I can control what comes in and what goes out, therefore I feel I can control what I take on, if it doesn't feel helpful I may not respond but that's because I haven't found being told how I should feel is helpful.

How much internet use I take on board.

I think from today I am going to disable certain apps on my phone, I do this now and again but feel I am procrastinating a lot and getting involved in a lot of spaces that may not be useful for me or my mental health at this moment. So I can control what I allow myself to be involved in on the internet and social media.

An element of my birth.

With being an IVF pregnancy it is suggested your induced at 39wks due to the risk of still birth, the information around this isn't clear and my midwife hasn't pushed it so I have decided against it as I don't believe the evidence I have read and believe it's focused more on over 40's. However if I do need to be induced this maybe out of my control, however what I can control is the environment, I plan to have essential oil's in the room, to be moving and using yoga/active birth methods and hopefully using water, my birth is totally out of my control but the environment I am in can to the best of my ability be in my control.  

Breastfeeding.

When I was younger I had boobs that were so big, my back hurt, my career was impacted and I was known as 'Claire with the massive tits'. I changed this when I had a breast reduction in my early 20's, breast feeding at the time was not on my radar and although I was told of the possible impact it wasn't important to me at this time.  I have read a lot around this on the internet and many women successfully breast feed in some way, this maybe combined feeding but they do manage to get some milk to feed. What I can't control is if I can breastfeed, I will only know this when my baby arrives, what I can control is what I do to attempt to support breast feeding, it will be hard, using expressing/pumping will become part of my daily routine after feeding (if possible) and continuous skin to skin for the first few days and holding babe to breast to help stimulate milk production (if any is coming through). It may look different to what I expected but it feels important for me and our baby and therefore I can't control what happens but can attempt to control how I support my body in enabling this happening.

How I look after myself.

I work as a Counsellor with young people impacted by domestic, sexual and historic abuse, I have realised I am taking on a lot and have plans to make some changes from the end of this month, freeing up another day a week for me, babe (and the dogs). I can look at what my weekends include and do what feels good for me, walking, resting, knitting, nature, being with good people. We have a few holidays planned which feels exciting and relaxing, I can control what I allow into my life to feel good for me and my soul.

This week has taken on a level of emotional tiredness and has hit my like a bolt out of the blue, as I write this the sun shines in through my bedroom window, women's hour plays in the background, my manager just told me to take the day to rest (when I rung into work) and my husband just text telling me he loves me. My head maybe a bit wobbly but how I move through this life is a lot in my control and writing helps me remember that.

You won't be doing that?

Becoming pregnant has been an interesting transition for myself, how quickly others experiences of parenthood become your own (with or without choice) and how suddenly the life you once lived your told will change forever and you won't be able to do as you did before.

My first thought around this is, of course life is going to change, our life's changed 2yrs ago when daily injections, internal examinations, limited travel, timings of holidays and taking trigger shots in theatre toilets became our life. Our life has been limited to a lot of things since IVF started, it's not just changing as were now pregnant. I think sometimes people miss this point, my trying to conceive journey hasn't been like yours, life has been self limiting for some time now.

After another cancelled holiday, and missing out on a good friends wedding (zika virus country) we decided it was time a home on wheels entered our lives and we decided to purchase a campervan, Betty joined our lives, we cleared her, cleaned her and built her into a camper fit for 2 cosy people and a rather large dog. We knew a van was something we had wanted for some time and always knew camping and vanning would be part of our (hopefully kids life) so decided if IVF was stopping our adventures well at least with the van we could still be free just more UK based. We have had two wonderful Springs and Summers in the van and plan to fit another Spring time adventure before the babe is due. 

I have been informed i won't want to be away in my van when the babe comes, festivals are a thing of the past and being outdoors is so much harder that its not worth it. Maybe all these things are true for others but for us, it's part of who we are, does that just vanish when another life joins my world. I hope not as this identity thing is gonna crash again big time! 

Experience is interesting, valid at times but also self limiting, what's one person's experience doesn't have to be another's. I remember one year being away in our tent in Pembrokeshire and next to us were 3 families, NCT friends who all had come together with their babes, to camp/van out on the coast. As we spoke to one family she shared why would you not bring your little's here, if there crying inside they may as well be outside. That baby was teeny and since then we have met other families doing the same, isn't there an ingrained part of you that just attempts to carry on and show your babe the things you love?

I understand that's not easy for us all, post natal depression, baby blue's, single parenting, whatever the reason sometimes life does stop you enjoying the old part of you but for me, if i can, i hope i do as at times i can feel others opinions graining down on me and questioning is it okay to take my babe away in the van when there this little?

There are so many instagram accounts i follow, living this outdoor life with little's and they inspire me daily to do the same here are some of my favourites: Mamalina - ethical way of living and exploring, The Memory Collector - my wonderful friend Lauren, taking Europe by storm with her two wild and wonderful boys, Junkaholique - Armetis and her camper, caravan and bell tent, exploring the UK with her two babes, Solsearchers - a new find to me but a lovely family away with their new born babe exploring Spain. There are some of my very good friends also Nelli, Beth and Clare taking on camping holidays and festivals by storm. Clare is even taking her 2 boys to Glastonbury this year, so jealous! 

Were hoping when babe does arrive a 10 day trip around the lakes in Sept, meeting friends (Beth, Cian, Jacob and their new babe) and many small weekends more local in the wilds of Northumberland. 

So whatever your adventure (or not) maybe don't push what your experience of parenthood is, it maybe like that for you and others but the more you say it out loud the more it becomes the opinion of all. There's a number of parents out there living the adventurous life we wish for and maybe i will eat my words but for now it's keeping me going, making me excited and allowing motherhood not to seem so all consuming. 

IVF through Instagram

I went to a wedding in September, as weddings go, you chat, drink and get to know the other guests. I soon got chatting to a wonderful lady and very quickly we realised our paths were similar and our journeys as challenging as each others. This new friend asked if I had an insta account, to which I replied 'of course' only to then realise she meant around fertility. It's something I have never thought about, over the years I have added and removed people from my personal account due to not wanting others to know we were going through IVF, with this option suddenly available opportunities seemed endless in who I could follow and ask questions without the intrusion of others. 

With no time to spare I set up an account finding_my_fertility and searched away on insta, finding a wealth of communication and support. It also allowed me to stay in contact with others  and my new friend, following her journey without the necessary intrusion of constantly asking. I suddenly learnt there was a huge network of women out there suffering but sharing through the power of social media. A world where family and friends didn't know, but actual people understanding and making sense of this painful journey we were all on. 

I started to share thoughts, feelings, medication, me going through my ivf journey, the rawness of injections and medication, what helped and my blogs where I wrote about this fertility journey. It felt powerful and gave me a freedom that I hadn't felt I had, my voice was heard and understood, the joy in that. 

It wasn't long after starting the account I then found out I was pregnant, which if I am honest was difficult for me, the pregnancy came with joy but my lack of support and honesty was my difficulty. I had shared the account with a few friends and suddenly didn't want them to find out through this forum. I therefore took some radio silence or insta silence to decide what I wanted to do. 

I wasn't sure when or if I wanted to share our pregnancy on social media, I was asked by a few people if I would share and I went back and forth with yes and no. When that 2nd scan came and we were giving the all clear it just suddenly felt right, the need to be proud and not hide this, show the world that when it comes to fertility challenge people do get pregnant. So after sharing on my personal act I decided to also share on my fertility one, with the warning of a sensitive post. 

Moving forward what I have decided is that I don't want the account to become redundant now I am pregnant, it's power brought me so much, however I understand the sensitivity in others who firstly joined the account with it being a trying to conceive account, i understand if any of these wish to unfollow. 

With this remake I have give it a new name pugs_not_storks as the most common thing I hear is getting our pug puppy is what brought the energy into the home for our pregnancy. I hope to share parts of my pregnancy into motherhood, so it contains the whole journey, from conception to babyhood then into motherhood. 

If you want to follow I have now opened it up for all accounts pugs_not_storks , enjoy!

Baby Austin

10th Nov 2018, the day we found out.  3years and 8months we have been waiting to hear this news and when we saw those 2 lines, we couldn't believe it. I convinced myself I was miscarrying, obviously that's why the positive line was so light, however over that weekend it grew darker and by our blood test Monday, we were confirmed a strong positive, with our HCG levels high. Finding out your 'officially' pregnant in the middle of Newcastle city centre was never my dream but hey, none of this has been. 

We first decided to try to bring a mini Austin into this world at the start of 2015, we assumed within 6 months I would be brimming with pregnancy and by Christmas we would be 3. How wrong could we have been, never did I expect this to be our journey and never did I expect how others would react or how I would react to others. 

From the start we have heard news of new pregnancies, even 2nd pregnancies, at times it has been hard, however I never wanted my journey to impact on my friendships with others, the importance of friendship is so strong to me and it's not disposable because someone has something I don't. The reality was that they didn't have something I wanted though, that was their baby, not mine and although I hoped to have a baby, I hoped for my babe, life I would bring into the world. I did sometimes need space from friends, but never felt  the need to tell them as I didn't want to deflect from the experience they were having, as one day I believed I would have that experience and I hoped it wouldn't be taken from me. 

When I did fall pregnant, my first thought was of my friends on similar journey's, we even shared with some of them before family members. I don't know what the right way is to tell someone, some friends text was the only option, but to those where I could I did my best. I had a discussion with a friend at work who informed me to stop worrying and to focus on what's happened for us, this incredible news, this heartbreaking journey finally coming to an end, that's what I needed to focus on and not how everyone else reacts as that's their reaction and I can't control that. 

We got a scan at 7wks and waiting for that heartbeat was terrifying, we had both convinced ourselves nothing would be there, but it was and there on the screen was a teeny teeny peanut sized baby, healthy and growing well. As you can imagine, tears came and we both knew this was happening, it was real. Our 12wk scan felt even worse and although i could see my body changing i realised that anxiety monster still creeped in and made me worry this could all be a dream or suddenly a very awful nightmare.  That anxiety monster was soon kicked into touch when there in front of us was our babe, upside down and not wanting to lie still for the scan. That overwhelming feeling of it's okay was just wonderful and we happily starred at those scan pictures with smiles bigger then Christmas.

It took us endometriosis surgery, 1 miscarriage, 4 counselling sessions,  2 rounds of IVF, 3 transfers, 2 failed transfers, my heart dropping dangerously low twice in and after egg collection, many £'s spent on acupuncture, fertility books, supplements and fertility herbs, tears to fill a river and hope after hope being destroyed. It was our 2nd IVF round but our 2nd transfer in that round, all embryo's were graded the same however the first chose not to stick, this 2nd transfer decided it wanted to hang around, i went to work, i drank some wine and even went to a gig, i chose to not stop living as if it was going to stay it didn't matter what i did. 

This journey hasn't been easy and although we have remained strong at times we have been broken however have held each other and shifted through the storm, believing in ourselves and what we hoped for. Sailing our good shop Albion as always. 

We always attempted to see a positive and in the years of trying to conceive we bought a house, converted a van, got a dog, then another dog, took many holidays, moved jobs, both got a promotion and made new friends who have become some of the strongest round us. I don't believe everything happens for a reason but I do believe we didn't fall pregnant in 2014 as there was so much to happen in between that time and all that stuff has made us strong, committed and more in love.

July 18th... baby Austin is due and we can't bloody wait to meet you, we have been waiting for some time! 

What's my identity?

I am not sure if this question, or a similar style of question is what has been running through my mind recently, but I have had so many conversations with friends who are mothers and the challenge that lies under that identity.

For me becoming a mother was all I wanted from being young, it was something I dreamed of and was often warned, (told) don't get pregnant, my Mum even had me on the pill at 15 to ensure I was kept 'safe'.  It was also something I identified in becoming when I was in my 30's, married with kids, that's what it's about, yeah? The longer this journey takes me the more I see my mind move through such varying ways of identifying myself,  women are seen as mothers, it's a question asked as ultimately that's what we assume women become, for me though I am learning I fight with my identity all the time and have done for many years, I feel I have so many identities and at times which one I want to be under is hard to define, but for me that identity of mothership has changed and just being a mother is one I have realised I am so much more then.

I know this identity searching started a long time ago, however  when I decided to get married, becoming Claire Austin wasn't an easy choice and took some time for me to drop Winship and take on Austin. My main argument being a) why should I take his name  b) Winship is so much better then Austin  c) I didn't want to be just someone's wife and d) Claire Winship was my identity, I didn't feel like I knew who Claire Austin was. I remember discussing this with my Mum and she reflected back 'how happy have you been as Claire Winship?' powerful hey? I really sat with this and thought of the challenges being Claire Winship has brought, the unhealthy relationships, the lack of direction, the continuous power challenge with myself (and the world), the years of counselling and many other dark periods. I sat with this for some time and decided becoming Claire Austin didn't feel so bad, I was taking on a new identify, I was becoming a wife but also Claire Winship still lived within me and no matter what she wouldn't vanish but maybe feel more comforted and safe with this stronger Claire in control.  So that was that I made the decision to change my name, then to top it Sam found a rose called the Claire Austin rose and well the deal was done then.

Becoming Claire Austin, definitely meant Claire Winship was left behind and I guess in some ways she needed be, my lack of responsibility and actually giving a fuck wasn't good, I was lost in a world of partying, sex and unhealthy relationships and slightly broken underneath it all. The years of my 20's were some of my best, memories of dreamy worlds and nonstop energy, but also I put my body and mind through so much, it needed time to calm and heal. I moved into a slower pace, learnt to craft and explore and stop partying so hard, I qualified in my diploma and started working more in specialist areas, taking control of my career. I started to think of what I wanted next and how these next years would flow, motherhood feeling stronger and being one of these factor.  I have learnt the longer this fertility journey continues the more I realise the change in my view of motherhood, maybe motherhood will happen soon, maybe it won't but I know I carry worries around it all, worries I didn't have 3.5yrs ago. I know with pregnancy not happening I  have chose to focus on other things and selfish as that may seem, things like my career, social life and holiday life are things I don't want to change now, when motherhood does happen I want my life to still be able to incorporate all the things I love and have worked bloody hard for. These things now identify me and I love being identified as, the sexual violence counsellor, dog owner, van goer, festival maker, yogi, I know I can keep all these, but I guess I feel there will be some changes and I just don't know how willing I am to make those changes .

I also know I feel something towards friends who I feel have lost their identity since becoming a Mum or becoming pregnant, I struggle to connect and maybe that's because it's a world I am not part, understand of or maybe it's just sadness how lost we get in social structures of how we should behave. Whatever it is, things change and if I am honest, sometimes I just wish they didn't have too!

Benni 2009

Malham 2017

Beach Partying 2015

Glasto 2013

Bali 2014

Leeda fest 2010

Toonside 2009

What does your family look like?

It's interesting, people's perception of what a family is and what it should look like... I wonder if asked how many of us would include kids in that.. as you all know our family doesn't contain kids, will it? who knows, it does contain a curly haired southerner, a long dog and me! This family of mine I have been trying to grow for a few years now, it's not happening in the way we hoped and since then a dog and a van has entered our lives, to which others have also asked 'are you sure' - how do we know when were ever sure what's the right thing... how many life events do we fall into and are we ever sure?

We have decided to grow our family a bit more and have made the decision to get another dog, a puppy... before we announce too much we have to go meet the little squirt and puppify the house. The few people we have told have responded with some rather random things.. the main being 'ARE YOU SURE?' -  however the really interesting one being how big a commitment it is and how will Socks cope. The psychology of this makes me laugh as surely that baby were trying for is a bigger deal then a puppy?!?! Of course, I don't deny a puppy will be hard work but the reality of the question in terms of why is an odd one to me, as why not? In comparison out of the two why is a puppy such a big deal but a baby isn't - that's an exciting deal. Then the 2nd worry of how Socks will be, jealous, left out, not cared for. How many of us think any of these things when it comes to a 2nd child? Does anyone say 'are you sure' or is it met with congratulations and excitement, surely two kids is bigger than two dogs, however comments aren't made and comparisons aren't shared as producing children is just what we do right? well for some! growing a family of kids is 'normal' but dogs - well that's just a big deal.

Sam and I may never have kids, our family may only be us and our dogs (and chickens), it's not the family I thought we would have, but it's one I love and gives me so much joy and pleasure. Were an odd little bunch we know that, but we love that. Were not where we expected, were far from it but we adjust and manage that. Where not always jubilant when we hear the news of another baby being born, were a bit broken underneath and sometimes it's too hard to find that piece of the jigsaw to celebrate, we get there but we know our family right now doesn't have that, and it hurts that we don't, we muster through, glue ourselves back together and heal. It's lovely seeing families grow, I am so happy other's don't always have to go through what were going through and can grow in the way they hoped.

My family though, it's growing differently and just because it's leftfield to what others assume it should, doesn't mean it provides anymore comment or shock, this is how were choosing to grow it and you know what... its making us dead happy!