I am not sure if this question, or a similar style of
question is what has been running through my mind recently, but I have had so
many conversations with friends who are mothers and the challenge that lies
under that identity.
For me becoming a mother was all I wanted from being young,
it was something I dreamed of and was often warned, (told) don't get pregnant,
my Mum even had me on the pill at 15 to ensure I was kept 'safe'. It was also something I identified in becoming
when I was in my 30's, married with kids, that's what it's about, yeah? The
longer this journey takes me the more I see my mind move through such varying
ways of identifying myself, women are
seen as mothers, it's a question asked as ultimately that's what we assume
women become, for me though I am learning I fight with my identity all the time
and have done for many years, I feel I have so many identities and at times
which one I want to be under is hard to define, but for me that identity of
mothership has changed and just being a mother is one I have realised I am so
much more then.
I know this identity searching started a long time ago,
however when I decided to get married,
becoming Claire Austin wasn't an easy choice and took some time for me to drop
Winship and take on Austin. My main argument being a) why should I take his
name b) Winship is so much better then
Austin c) I didn't want to be just someone's
wife and d) Claire Winship was my identity, I didn't feel like I knew who
Claire Austin was. I remember discussing this with my Mum and she reflected
back 'how happy have you been as Claire Winship?' powerful hey? I really sat
with this and thought of the challenges being Claire Winship has brought, the
unhealthy relationships, the lack of direction, the continuous power challenge
with myself (and the world), the years of counselling and many other dark
periods. I sat with this for some time and decided becoming Claire Austin
didn't feel so bad, I was taking on a new identify, I was becoming a wife but
also Claire Winship still lived within me and no matter what she wouldn't
vanish but maybe feel more comforted and safe with this stronger Claire in
control. So that was that I made the
decision to change my name, then to top it Sam found a rose called the Claire
Austin rose and well the deal was done then.
Becoming Claire Austin, definitely meant Claire Winship was
left behind and I guess in some ways she needed be, my lack of responsibility
and actually giving a fuck wasn't good, I was lost in a world of partying, sex
and unhealthy relationships and slightly broken underneath it all. The years of
my 20's were some of my best, memories of dreamy worlds and nonstop energy, but
also I put my body and mind through so much, it needed time to calm and heal. I
moved into a slower pace, learnt to craft and explore and stop partying so
hard, I qualified in my diploma and started working more in specialist areas, taking
control of my career. I started to think of what I wanted next and how these
next years would flow, motherhood feeling stronger and being one of these
factor. I have learnt the longer this
fertility journey continues the more I realise the change in my view of
motherhood, maybe motherhood will happen soon, maybe it won't but I know I
carry worries around it all, worries I didn't have 3.5yrs ago. I know with pregnancy
not happening I have chose to focus on other
things and selfish as that may seem, things like my career, social life and
holiday life are things I don't want to change now, when motherhood does happen
I want my life to still be able to incorporate all the things I love and have
worked bloody hard for. These things now identify me and I love being identified
as, the sexual violence counsellor, dog owner, van goer, festival maker, yogi, I
know I can keep all these, but I guess I feel there will be some changes and I
just don't know how willing I am to make those changes .
I also know I feel something towards friends who I feel have
lost their identity since becoming a Mum or becoming pregnant, I struggle to
connect and maybe that's because it's a world I am not part, understand of or
maybe it's just sadness how lost we get in social structures of how we should
behave. Whatever it is, things change and if I am honest, sometimes I just wish
they didn't have too!
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| Benni 2009 |
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| Malham 2017 |
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| Beach Partying 2015 |
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| Glasto 2013 |
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| Bali 2014 |
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| Leeda fest 2010 |
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| Toonside 2009 |
