Sunday, 9 June 2019

How excited are you?

It's a question I keep getting asked and rightly so, why wouldn't folk, the thing we have wanted for so long is happening, am I excited though, it really is a hard question to answer.

I like to be honest, I am not one of those people who just says yes, as that's what people want to hear, so when asked if I am excited I respond with honesty and say I am not sure, worried, scared are definitely some of the feelings that feel more apt. I certainly now understand when friends have suffered from baby blues and postnatal depression why they haven't shared it, as from being pregnant there is an expectation a pregnant women should be excited.

I feel excited buying bits for baby's arrival, preparing the nest, feeling them move and thinking of the experiences were going to have together as a family. What worries me though is the change to come, this change everyone likes to tell me about from their experience. I worry about the change in my relationship with my doggies, which yes, I know will change but I feel sad that it will as these dogs have helped me survive at the hardest of times. I feel sad at the change in my relationship with Sammy, how moody I am with indigestion, peeing loads and feeling heavy, so when I am tired, sleepless and being a milking machine I know I aint going to be the best laugh in town. I have been so use to the little family I have created and the expectation of never having children that to suddenly be ready feels a bizarre and unknown feeling. I guess one I have to admit I am not sure how excited I am for.

9 months off, for some reason I won't call it maternity and make the joke of it being a sabbatical, what this is about I am not sure, but there's something deep rooted in me that doesn't want to be just a Mum and maternity leave feels so unknown to my identity it's like I can't connect fully to what's about to happen. I am definitely trying to enjoy these last few months of pregnancy, my anxieties have passed now and I do know this baby is going to arrive, however it just being my life (without work) for 9 months feels strange and scary and something I don't know how you ever prepare for.

You have an identity that changes over the years and i know mine changed when it came to fertility, now being pregnant, something won't let me forget that journey, i am proud of how far i have come and holding this pregnancy feels surreal, i am trying to be prepared for the next change, my identity will change, how can it not, i guess i just don't know how ready i am and feel sad saying goodbye to the one i have built during my fertility journey.

Anyone going through their own journey, i don't wish to not have this pregnancy, i am so overwhelmed it's happened for us, i don't want to sound selfish or ungrateful as i am not, its my own process of change i am trying to understand, and in all this change is happening all around me and i am slowing learning how to move with it.

So with 5.5wks until due date i will be going slow, moving with gentle flow and making the most of these last few weeks with my bump. Change is a coming and i am looking forward to it (just with a hint of trepidation).