9 months of reflections!

Going back to work after 9 months off is a strange thing in itself, without the added depths of leaving your baby, overcoming mental health needs, a worldwide pandemic and feeling trapped in your home. When the lock down began we all felt certain elements of worry and stress but what struck me was my sense of loss, my loss of the end of my maternity leave. I sat crying as guidelines were imposed about the ending of groups, the ending of support and the ending of a time i had started to enjoy.

As i have documented in other blogs sadly maternity leave didn't start as planned, Albie didn't show up for some time and when he did i spent my first 3 months in a postnatal haze feeling low, tearful and really confused at how i should care for my baby and if i had the ability to. I couldn't feed him, the midwife made me feel i wasn't caring for his needs and my own mental health went into nose dive at the expectations i felt i wasn't meeting. It changed at 6 months, properly anyway, i suddenly got it, i knew him, he knew me and i had friends, networks, groups, family and knew what i needed to do at certain times of the day to make the day easier. We got into a flow and it suddenly felt natural, i still missed work, i missed that part of me, but life didn't feel as lost as it once had. We had around 2 months of this, then it changed and my process of moving into lock down was definitely of grief, that the end of maternity was starting to look like the start, a hazy mess feeling slightly lost. I felt bad for feeling this, i felt guilt at my selfishness but i felt it important to recognise and understand why lock down was feeling more of a struggle and why i couldn't accept what was happening.

I also was coming to the end of my counselling and this stopped (my choice) due to it moving to online, again something i was working on that i felt was taken away. Then i was going back to work at my old job and i was starting a new job one day a week for another charity, something i was looking forward to for so long, being with my work peeps and engaging with incredible young people, again this all changed when i was told i would be working from my spare room. I have adjusted, i have had to, i have processed, i have had to, i am not the only one feeling so many losses right now, my losses feel insignificant to the reality of what is happening, but there mine and they feel important to voice as it also feels were not allowed to talk about the smaller things anymore, small things that can feel big things in a already complex world.

Maternity leave hasn't been the sabbatical i thought it would be, it wasn't the dreamy days of lying feeding my baby with the sun shining in and a relaxed playlist in the background. It was hard, so fricken hard, it was exhausting and more confusing then i ever imagined. It was beautiful in a whole host of ways and it was confusing, all the things i expected didn't happen, all the things i hoped for didn't happen, i had to adjust and change and keep alive a new small being, whilst being so mixed up about what my feelings were for this new life. I had to be open and raw and admit i sometimes wanted him back inside as he was safe there, my body knew how to care for him, i had to be open i wasn't in my own mind at times and i had to cry, i cried a river there were so many tears but i had to trust in love, that it would grow, that it would allow my heart to open and be vulnerable and i had to understand there was no running, i was staying put however hard that felt at times and still does, my home was my boy, my beautiful boy.

The naivety i felt pre pregnancy sits with me and i love it, i love the beauty of believing so much can happen, i love the realism i held vanished due to this life growing in me and this exciting new adventure to come. What i learnt was you have no control at times and that's okay, the minute i accepted he was in control of what happened next i started to understand and the adventure changed but not always in a bad way. That acceptance sits with me and the learning's i have had over the last 9 months are some of my strongest lessons. I have realised that i can be so insecure at my own abilities as a women, wife and mother, i am not forgiven on myself and have unearthed a part of me i don't like, it's negative and struggles to see optimism, but i am working on it and i am aware of it and that is the only way change can be made. I have learnt i am selfish, which i don't feel is a bad thing, i miss my old life, it will never be how it was but i hope it can have resemblances, i wanted to be a mother for so long and when the time came i questioned if it was something i had always wanted, which also made me feel such guilt that i was questioning something i had worked so hard to get. I also realised how strong i am, that i spent 3 days in labour and 8hrs in pain without help, they didn't know how to help when nothing else was working, the midwife shared after she had never experienced what happened to me, at the time i didn't know how to react but when i look back now i am so thankful i survived as at one point i wasn't sure i would. I understand my job more, i understand flashbacks and trauma more, so although i wished i had never gone through what i had in labour it has led me to be able to understand when someone talks of the impact of flashback's as 9 months on i still experience them now, i manage them but a song, a smell, a programme with labour in it brings it all back. I learnt that fertility treatment is traumatic and will never leave me, that process of 3.5yrs of appointments, prodding, poking and loss has burnt a place in my heart and when it was all over i was so happy but i was also lost, the feelings fertility treatment leaves you with is so complex and the only people who understand are those also going through it, were sisters and warriors, we survive the battle and keep throwing ourselves in to get what comes so easily to others.

I have also learnt new ways to love in my relationship, it's true if you survive the first year of having a baby you can survive anything, the amount you have to give up is commitment beyond belief. Sam has literally saved me on so many occasions, he has been 100% and has had his own challenges but has always been present and available and when it comes to parenting, he is by us every step. A new love developed when i watched him feed our new born baby with teeny cups in the midst of the night, when he encouraged me to feed in other ways and never told me not to cry when i needed too, i saw he was willing to do anything to help us survive in those first few weeks even at times when he himself was breaking.

The main thing i have learnt though is a love so strong it makes me gush with emotion, at times Sam even laughs at me as every day this small human makes my heart explode, explode with pride, happiness and pure greatness at my achievement as he is my greatest achievement.

How excited are you?

It's a question I keep getting asked and rightly so, why wouldn't folk, the thing we have wanted for so long is happening, am I excited though, it really is a hard question to answer.

I like to be honest, I am not one of those people who just says yes, as that's what people want to hear, so when asked if I am excited I respond with honesty and say I am not sure, worried, scared are definitely some of the feelings that feel more apt. I certainly now understand when friends have suffered from baby blues and postnatal depression why they haven't shared it, as from being pregnant there is an expectation a pregnant women should be excited.

I feel excited buying bits for baby's arrival, preparing the nest, feeling them move and thinking of the experiences were going to have together as a family. What worries me though is the change to come, this change everyone likes to tell me about from their experience. I worry about the change in my relationship with my doggies, which yes, I know will change but I feel sad that it will as these dogs have helped me survive at the hardest of times. I feel sad at the change in my relationship with Sammy, how moody I am with indigestion, peeing loads and feeling heavy, so when I am tired, sleepless and being a milking machine I know I aint going to be the best laugh in town. I have been so use to the little family I have created and the expectation of never having children that to suddenly be ready feels a bizarre and unknown feeling. I guess one I have to admit I am not sure how excited I am for.

9 months off, for some reason I won't call it maternity and make the joke of it being a sabbatical, what this is about I am not sure, but there's something deep rooted in me that doesn't want to be just a Mum and maternity leave feels so unknown to my identity it's like I can't connect fully to what's about to happen. I am definitely trying to enjoy these last few months of pregnancy, my anxieties have passed now and I do know this baby is going to arrive, however it just being my life (without work) for 9 months feels strange and scary and something I don't know how you ever prepare for.

You have an identity that changes over the years and i know mine changed when it came to fertility, now being pregnant, something won't let me forget that journey, i am proud of how far i have come and holding this pregnancy feels surreal, i am trying to be prepared for the next change, my identity will change, how can it not, i guess i just don't know how ready i am and feel sad saying goodbye to the one i have built during my fertility journey.

Anyone going through their own journey, i don't wish to not have this pregnancy, i am so overwhelmed it's happened for us, i don't want to sound selfish or ungrateful as i am not, its my own process of change i am trying to understand, and in all this change is happening all around me and i am slowing learning how to move with it.

So with 5.5wks until due date i will be going slow, moving with gentle flow and making the most of these last few weeks with my bump. Change is a coming and i am looking forward to it (just with a hint of trepidation).

What's really in our control?

Do I allow myself to recognise what I have been through, still going through and how that impacts on me now. People feel this journey has ended for us, because we are now pregnant, I am a Mum now and Sam a Dad so why would we worry, haven't we got what we wanted? 

What I have to come to realise is with pregnancy there comes a whole host of worries and I think at this stage I feel more anxious now then I ever have. Of course there are days of pure magic and enjoyment but reality can really hit at times and until this baby is in my arms will I ever fully believe that I am a Mum.

I work in mental health, I know anxiety, I have always suffered with low mood off and on through my 20's but anxiety didn't hit, it creeped in when IVF started and it's a monster hard to extinguish. This week has been incredibly difficult and I had the realisation on Tuesday afternoon (when my Mum told me I looked pale) that I was feeling pale, washed out and tired. 

Since IVF started in Oct 2017 it's been go go go, that's either the pressure  around a cycle, that two week wait to see if we had conceived or moving through the process of recovery after a failed cycle but also attempting to create a life that wasn't ruled by IVF. This week I suddenly realised life wasn't ruled by injections and fertility treatment, I was now a pregnant women, working, planning and taking on her final few months before motherhood arrived, however this then led me on the next worry path of labour and breastfeeding, two things people talk to me about so much however both being something I need to think about due to the possibility of early induction being advocated and the risk of not being able to breastfeed due to me having a breast reduction when I was in my early 20's. The internet is a beauty at times but also a total bitch, it has held both these elements for me this week and I have felt myself slowly sinking into a pit of worry and uncontrollable emotion. Sammy shared last night he could see I was worried but I had to remember this time last year we didn't think we would ever have a baby so whatever happens our baby will be loved and that's what's important, not if it breastfeeds or is born through medical intervention.

It made me think, what can I control and what can't I? Something I am sat heavily with today.

How I emotionally respond to our pregnancy.

People keep telling me how excited I should be, don't get me wrong I am excited, how could I not be. I do feel I can control what comes in and what goes out, therefore I feel I can control what I take on, if it doesn't feel helpful I may not respond but that's because I haven't found being told how I should feel is helpful.

How much internet use I take on board.

I think from today I am going to disable certain apps on my phone, I do this now and again but feel I am procrastinating a lot and getting involved in a lot of spaces that may not be useful for me or my mental health at this moment. So I can control what I allow myself to be involved in on the internet and social media.

An element of my birth.

With being an IVF pregnancy it is suggested your induced at 39wks due to the risk of still birth, the information around this isn't clear and my midwife hasn't pushed it so I have decided against it as I don't believe the evidence I have read and believe it's focused more on over 40's. However if I do need to be induced this maybe out of my control, however what I can control is the environment, I plan to have essential oil's in the room, to be moving and using yoga/active birth methods and hopefully using water, my birth is totally out of my control but the environment I am in can to the best of my ability be in my control.  

Breastfeeding.

When I was younger I had boobs that were so big, my back hurt, my career was impacted and I was known as 'Claire with the massive tits'. I changed this when I had a breast reduction in my early 20's, breast feeding at the time was not on my radar and although I was told of the possible impact it wasn't important to me at this time.  I have read a lot around this on the internet and many women successfully breast feed in some way, this maybe combined feeding but they do manage to get some milk to feed. What I can't control is if I can breastfeed, I will only know this when my baby arrives, what I can control is what I do to attempt to support breast feeding, it will be hard, using expressing/pumping will become part of my daily routine after feeding (if possible) and continuous skin to skin for the first few days and holding babe to breast to help stimulate milk production (if any is coming through). It may look different to what I expected but it feels important for me and our baby and therefore I can't control what happens but can attempt to control how I support my body in enabling this happening.

How I look after myself.

I work as a Counsellor with young people impacted by domestic, sexual and historic abuse, I have realised I am taking on a lot and have plans to make some changes from the end of this month, freeing up another day a week for me, babe (and the dogs). I can look at what my weekends include and do what feels good for me, walking, resting, knitting, nature, being with good people. We have a few holidays planned which feels exciting and relaxing, I can control what I allow into my life to feel good for me and my soul.

This week has taken on a level of emotional tiredness and has hit my like a bolt out of the blue, as I write this the sun shines in through my bedroom window, women's hour plays in the background, my manager just told me to take the day to rest (when I rung into work) and my husband just text telling me he loves me. My head maybe a bit wobbly but how I move through this life is a lot in my control and writing helps me remember that.

Baby Austin

10th Nov 2018, the day we found out.  3years and 8months we have been waiting to hear this news and when we saw those 2 lines, we couldn't believe it. I convinced myself I was miscarrying, obviously that's why the positive line was so light, however over that weekend it grew darker and by our blood test Monday, we were confirmed a strong positive, with our HCG levels high. Finding out your 'officially' pregnant in the middle of Newcastle city centre was never my dream but hey, none of this has been. 

We first decided to try to bring a mini Austin into this world at the start of 2015, we assumed within 6 months I would be brimming with pregnancy and by Christmas we would be 3. How wrong could we have been, never did I expect this to be our journey and never did I expect how others would react or how I would react to others. 

From the start we have heard news of new pregnancies, even 2nd pregnancies, at times it has been hard, however I never wanted my journey to impact on my friendships with others, the importance of friendship is so strong to me and it's not disposable because someone has something I don't. The reality was that they didn't have something I wanted though, that was their baby, not mine and although I hoped to have a baby, I hoped for my babe, life I would bring into the world. I did sometimes need space from friends, but never felt  the need to tell them as I didn't want to deflect from the experience they were having, as one day I believed I would have that experience and I hoped it wouldn't be taken from me. 

When I did fall pregnant, my first thought was of my friends on similar journey's, we even shared with some of them before family members. I don't know what the right way is to tell someone, some friends text was the only option, but to those where I could I did my best. I had a discussion with a friend at work who informed me to stop worrying and to focus on what's happened for us, this incredible news, this heartbreaking journey finally coming to an end, that's what I needed to focus on and not how everyone else reacts as that's their reaction and I can't control that. 

We got a scan at 7wks and waiting for that heartbeat was terrifying, we had both convinced ourselves nothing would be there, but it was and there on the screen was a teeny teeny peanut sized baby, healthy and growing well. As you can imagine, tears came and we both knew this was happening, it was real. Our 12wk scan felt even worse and although i could see my body changing i realised that anxiety monster still creeped in and made me worry this could all be a dream or suddenly a very awful nightmare.  That anxiety monster was soon kicked into touch when there in front of us was our babe, upside down and not wanting to lie still for the scan. That overwhelming feeling of it's okay was just wonderful and we happily starred at those scan pictures with smiles bigger then Christmas.

It took us endometriosis surgery, 1 miscarriage, 4 counselling sessions,  2 rounds of IVF, 3 transfers, 2 failed transfers, my heart dropping dangerously low twice in and after egg collection, many £'s spent on acupuncture, fertility books, supplements and fertility herbs, tears to fill a river and hope after hope being destroyed. It was our 2nd IVF round but our 2nd transfer in that round, all embryo's were graded the same however the first chose not to stick, this 2nd transfer decided it wanted to hang around, i went to work, i drank some wine and even went to a gig, i chose to not stop living as if it was going to stay it didn't matter what i did. 

This journey hasn't been easy and although we have remained strong at times we have been broken however have held each other and shifted through the storm, believing in ourselves and what we hoped for. Sailing our good shop Albion as always. 

We always attempted to see a positive and in the years of trying to conceive we bought a house, converted a van, got a dog, then another dog, took many holidays, moved jobs, both got a promotion and made new friends who have become some of the strongest round us. I don't believe everything happens for a reason but I do believe we didn't fall pregnant in 2014 as there was so much to happen in between that time and all that stuff has made us strong, committed and more in love.

July 18th... baby Austin is due and we can't bloody wait to meet you, we have been waiting for some time!