Baby Austin

10th Nov 2018, the day we found out.  3years and 8months we have been waiting to hear this news and when we saw those 2 lines, we couldn't believe it. I convinced myself I was miscarrying, obviously that's why the positive line was so light, however over that weekend it grew darker and by our blood test Monday, we were confirmed a strong positive, with our HCG levels high. Finding out your 'officially' pregnant in the middle of Newcastle city centre was never my dream but hey, none of this has been. 

We first decided to try to bring a mini Austin into this world at the start of 2015, we assumed within 6 months I would be brimming with pregnancy and by Christmas we would be 3. How wrong could we have been, never did I expect this to be our journey and never did I expect how others would react or how I would react to others. 

From the start we have heard news of new pregnancies, even 2nd pregnancies, at times it has been hard, however I never wanted my journey to impact on my friendships with others, the importance of friendship is so strong to me and it's not disposable because someone has something I don't. The reality was that they didn't have something I wanted though, that was their baby, not mine and although I hoped to have a baby, I hoped for my babe, life I would bring into the world. I did sometimes need space from friends, but never felt  the need to tell them as I didn't want to deflect from the experience they were having, as one day I believed I would have that experience and I hoped it wouldn't be taken from me. 

When I did fall pregnant, my first thought was of my friends on similar journey's, we even shared with some of them before family members. I don't know what the right way is to tell someone, some friends text was the only option, but to those where I could I did my best. I had a discussion with a friend at work who informed me to stop worrying and to focus on what's happened for us, this incredible news, this heartbreaking journey finally coming to an end, that's what I needed to focus on and not how everyone else reacts as that's their reaction and I can't control that. 

We got a scan at 7wks and waiting for that heartbeat was terrifying, we had both convinced ourselves nothing would be there, but it was and there on the screen was a teeny teeny peanut sized baby, healthy and growing well. As you can imagine, tears came and we both knew this was happening, it was real. Our 12wk scan felt even worse and although i could see my body changing i realised that anxiety monster still creeped in and made me worry this could all be a dream or suddenly a very awful nightmare.  That anxiety monster was soon kicked into touch when there in front of us was our babe, upside down and not wanting to lie still for the scan. That overwhelming feeling of it's okay was just wonderful and we happily starred at those scan pictures with smiles bigger then Christmas.

It took us endometriosis surgery, 1 miscarriage, 4 counselling sessions,  2 rounds of IVF, 3 transfers, 2 failed transfers, my heart dropping dangerously low twice in and after egg collection, many £'s spent on acupuncture, fertility books, supplements and fertility herbs, tears to fill a river and hope after hope being destroyed. It was our 2nd IVF round but our 2nd transfer in that round, all embryo's were graded the same however the first chose not to stick, this 2nd transfer decided it wanted to hang around, i went to work, i drank some wine and even went to a gig, i chose to not stop living as if it was going to stay it didn't matter what i did. 

This journey hasn't been easy and although we have remained strong at times we have been broken however have held each other and shifted through the storm, believing in ourselves and what we hoped for. Sailing our good shop Albion as always. 

We always attempted to see a positive and in the years of trying to conceive we bought a house, converted a van, got a dog, then another dog, took many holidays, moved jobs, both got a promotion and made new friends who have become some of the strongest round us. I don't believe everything happens for a reason but I do believe we didn't fall pregnant in 2014 as there was so much to happen in between that time and all that stuff has made us strong, committed and more in love.

July 18th... baby Austin is due and we can't bloody wait to meet you, we have been waiting for some time! 

3yrs on... still trying, lets plan a holiday!

Ooof where to start today, my holiday maybe, we decided to go away for some sunshine, we couldn't go to India for certain reason's, so chose the next hot place we could afford, La Palma, Canary Islands, 'as it always is sunny in the Canaries they say', hmm, seems not. This isn't  a blog about my holiday but a blog about what keeps me going through the torrent of trying to conceive. One of those things being planning and organising delicious things to keep me sane and have things to look forward too. So the Canaries was not hot, my holiday wasn't super relaxed and i missed Socks (not literal Socks, my doggy).

I realised a few things on this holiday, it was a time for reflection and a time to recognise how we move into our 3rd year, still childless, still hoping and not letting this journey break us. I don't want to mumble through a sad, poor me blog, as i dont feel poor me, i dont feel 'why us' were happy, healthy and have a great life but there's challenge that comes that no one can feel unless they have experienced or realised what it's like having years, not months, years of trying, waiting, hoping then disappointment each month for years and still at the end still not knowing if i will ever grow a baby.
What i realised on my holiday was i have changed, this journey has changed me, i see the world differently to how i used to 3yrs ago, i see fertility differently, i see my body differently and how it functions and responds. I see others differently and how they react and respond. I know who my towers of strengths are, friends who have supported me in ways that have given me what i needed just when i needed it, that self care package that turns up through the post or little quote that makes me smile. I have seen positive and negative changes in me, i have learnt i am strong and have a really positive view on this world and people. I have learnt it's okay to not want to hang out with that friend who has just had a baby, it's okay to say 'actually i just need a bit of space'. Saying no isn't being selfish, it's self care.  I have realised my dog, Socks gives me more than any human, she makes me smile when no one else can, she lets me cry and clearly doesn't say it's going to be okay and she makes me get out and walk when sometimes i want to hide. I now realise anxiety is part of my life, i do struggle at times and being in my nest makes me feel safe and secure. Yoga gives me strength and when i take time to commit to 20mins a day it gives me the power to go through the day. I have learnt blogging and writing lets me express and share and its cathartic and therapeutic.

I have also learnt so many people experience or have experienced fertility related problems and when you talk about it, people share who have never shared before. I do enjoy hearing stories of other people's journeys but from their mouths not others, as everyone has a friend who....

I want fertility issues to be something more talked about, i am open and honest about our journey, some things i chose not to share, as i have to remember there is 2 of us in all of this, but i want is it to be okay to say 'you know what it isn't happening for us' that doesn't mean i am going to break down crying, i don't need your sympathy or sad face just talk to me like this is okay and just another of life's challenges.

So what happens next who knows, what i have learnt is that knowing something delicious is on the cards, then that keeps me focused, keeps me strong and lets me know what i have is already enough.

Goals, Chapters and New Beginnings.

At the start of last year I took my bullet journal out and made some 2017 goals for the year ahead.  I then closed my diary and forgot about most of them. However when I took my diary out again this year to write my goals for 2018 it seemed I hadn't forgot any from 2017 and managed to put a nice tick next to them all. You can imagine how happy I was.

I was asked by a friend on New Year's Day about what I most wanted for this year ahead, it's hard to decide when the one thing I would like is out of my control. However my reflection on last year was my wants are the same however I had found many other things that I hoped to achieve and felt them important to enhance and enrich my life.

It's also strange how you can write things down then subconsciously take those goals on and prosper in them. I feel pleased within myself that through such a challenging year I looked after myself in more ways then I knew and managed to end the year smiling.

I read somewhere the year brings 12 new chapters, I loved this thought, in therapy work we talk about each session being a chapter in that young person's story, it's a section we are uncovering in our life and trying to make sense of.  When thinking of the 12 new chapters in my life I realised they weren't too different to last year, adventures, believing in hope, development, positive challenge and riding the more difficult parts of our journey right now. We move into 2018 knowing we have a lot more challenge to come but we move in stronger together and knowing that we have got this.

Writing in words how we manage and cope isn't the easiest, we don't look for pity or understanding, it's cathartic and therapeutic for me to write, it also allows a space to flow and be free. The journey of unexplained infertility doesn't take up my everyday thoughts, it hurts and is so different from the path i expected however I put time and energy to achieve and succeed in so many other areas of life. I feel I enrich my life with dreamy adventures and live as the Danish say a Hygee lifestyle, living my life in a warm and cosy way allows a safety around myself that gives comfort and self care which promotes a positive well being for myself and for others around. My manic way of once living has completely calmed and although we are busy it is always with kind natured fun.

So what does 2018 bring - development of my yoga business, exploring 5 new places in the UK in the van, a challenging knitting project, developing yarn social night,  grow pumpkins, remembering what I have is enough and staying kind and true to myself, family and friends.

So with the tree down, the house cleaned and reorganised and this being the last day of my Christmas annual leave and I plan to write, knit, finish my Christmas tv, drink tea and eat Christmas cake. It's been a delightful rest and I move into 2018 ready for the next chapter.

A journey into the unknown.

It's been ages since i wrote and i feel i have so much to say but i am mindful of what i want to share and what's important to share, why i chose to share certain things and the detail i put into what i am sharing.

I am often told how great our life looks, the dreamy instagram posts and filters of making life that bit more shiny however the last few years have been a mix of feelings, sad,  bad, good and great, so many amazing feelings felt but so very different from the path i thought i would be on... there's always a lurking in the back of my mind of the journey were taking and how different it is from where we would thought we would be at this stage in our relationship.

I have wanted to blog for some time and have put together numerous ramblings but have decided not to post  for various reasons, however today i felt it was time, i know i am not the only one and feel it is important to be a voice, a voice of someone in the mad grips of 'unexplained infertility'.

Life doesn't always turn out the way we want, our journey into fertility over the last 2.5yrs is so different from the way i had hoped and carries on to be different, hard, unsettling and confusing. However it's our journey and it's made us stronger then i can imagine.

I have been pricked and prodded, x rayed and scanned, operated and healed, questions asked, questions stopped, silence and elephants in the room and experienced the hard pain of loss but through it all our hands have stayed strong and i am thankful for the man who stands beside me and the strength he gives.

When things didn't go the way I planned i had days where i sunk into sadness and wanted to hide away, socialising wasn't my priority and being in the nest felt safer from the constant stream of happy news from others. After another slump of sad i remember having a strong realisation of living and the importance of that - the reality of what i have is already enough and that life is great, i am lucky to have the life i am living, i have a precious human life so why was i wasting it?!

The image of what could have been was in my head, the reality wasn't there,  so therefore why was i wallowing in sadness over something i was only dreaming of. I remember asking the question 'is the life i am living not good enough?' and when a YES came back good and strong i dusted those tears off and started to make some changes.

So with that i held onto the here and now and enjoyed making plans of fun and laughter, memories and heartful journeys. Plans came into place and i looked at what i wanted but also what was important for moving forward.

So those dreamy pictures, those filtered snaps, they are real, there full of good but behind every photo another story exists.

** This blog isn't for sorryful words or people feeling sorry for us, writing helps me, it's a process and there's so much i don't share but felt it important to share something, some rambles of mine as isn't that what this blog is for? **