It's been ages since i wrote and i feel i have so much to say but i am mindful of what i want to share and what's important to share, why i chose to share certain things and the detail i put into what i am sharing.
I am often told how great our life looks, the dreamy instagram posts and filters of making life that bit more shiny however the last few years have been a mix of feelings, sad, bad, good and great, so many amazing feelings felt but so very different from the path i thought i would be on... there's always a lurking in the back of my mind of the journey were taking and how different it is from where we would thought we would be at this stage in our relationship.
I have wanted to blog for some time and have put together numerous ramblings but have decided not to post for various reasons, however today i felt it was time, i know i am not the only one and feel it is important to be a voice, a voice of someone in the mad grips of 'unexplained infertility'.
Life doesn't always turn out the way we want, our journey into fertility over the last 2.5yrs is so different from the way i had hoped and carries on to be different, hard, unsettling and confusing. However it's our journey and it's made us stronger then i can imagine.
I have been pricked and prodded, x rayed and scanned, operated and healed, questions asked, questions stopped, silence and elephants in the room and experienced the hard pain of loss but through it all our hands have stayed strong and i am thankful for the man who stands beside me and the strength he gives.
When things didn't go the way I planned i had days where i sunk into sadness and wanted to hide away, socialising wasn't my priority and being in the nest felt safer from the constant stream of happy news from others. After another slump of sad i remember having a strong realisation of living and the importance of that - the reality of what i have is already enough and that life is great, i am lucky to have the life i am living, i have a precious human life so why was i wasting it?!
The image of what could have been was in my head, the reality wasn't there, so therefore why was i wallowing in sadness over something i was only dreaming of. I remember asking the question 'is the life i am living not good enough?' and when a YES came back good and strong i dusted those tears off and started to make some changes.
So with that i held onto the here and now and enjoyed making plans of fun and laughter, memories and heartful journeys. Plans came into place and i looked at what i wanted but also what was important for moving forward.
So those dreamy pictures, those filtered snaps, they are real, there full of good but behind every photo another story exists.
** This blog isn't for sorryful words or people feeling sorry for us, writing helps me, it's a process and there's so much i don't share but felt it important to share something, some rambles of mine as isn't that what this blog is for? **
I am often told how great our life looks, the dreamy instagram posts and filters of making life that bit more shiny however the last few years have been a mix of feelings, sad, bad, good and great, so many amazing feelings felt but so very different from the path i thought i would be on... there's always a lurking in the back of my mind of the journey were taking and how different it is from where we would thought we would be at this stage in our relationship.
I have wanted to blog for some time and have put together numerous ramblings but have decided not to post for various reasons, however today i felt it was time, i know i am not the only one and feel it is important to be a voice, a voice of someone in the mad grips of 'unexplained infertility'.
Life doesn't always turn out the way we want, our journey into fertility over the last 2.5yrs is so different from the way i had hoped and carries on to be different, hard, unsettling and confusing. However it's our journey and it's made us stronger then i can imagine.
I have been pricked and prodded, x rayed and scanned, operated and healed, questions asked, questions stopped, silence and elephants in the room and experienced the hard pain of loss but through it all our hands have stayed strong and i am thankful for the man who stands beside me and the strength he gives.
When things didn't go the way I planned i had days where i sunk into sadness and wanted to hide away, socialising wasn't my priority and being in the nest felt safer from the constant stream of happy news from others. After another slump of sad i remember having a strong realisation of living and the importance of that - the reality of what i have is already enough and that life is great, i am lucky to have the life i am living, i have a precious human life so why was i wasting it?!
The image of what could have been was in my head, the reality wasn't there, so therefore why was i wallowing in sadness over something i was only dreaming of. I remember asking the question 'is the life i am living not good enough?' and when a YES came back good and strong i dusted those tears off and started to make some changes.
So with that i held onto the here and now and enjoyed making plans of fun and laughter, memories and heartful journeys. Plans came into place and i looked at what i wanted but also what was important for moving forward.
So those dreamy pictures, those filtered snaps, they are real, there full of good but behind every photo another story exists.
** This blog isn't for sorryful words or people feeling sorry for us, writing helps me, it's a process and there's so much i don't share but felt it important to share something, some rambles of mine as isn't that what this blog is for? **
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