How to try and grow a baby!

A friend of mine was pregnant with her 2nd child and she was sharing her wealth of books purchased in preparation for this new life. We laughed and giggled at the information in them, the knowledge they shared and what she was finding helpful/unhelpful... that friend smiled at me and said 'you can have them when you have your baby' she give me the hope I had started to lose, and at that point I needed that hope. I decided to take those books as for me they signified hope, hope that one day I would need their pearls of wisdom or laughter. They now live in a cupboard in the 'spare room' (I will come to this these hyphens) and I took one out recently, my heart warmed and my womb ached and my belief of pregnancy resided strong and that felt good... and with that this blog post came. 

I had wanted to write for a while but wasn't sure what too, it's true with writing you just know when you want to, an idea comes and the words flow.

I have been talking and sharing with a number of friends recently, some know a lot of what's happening for us, some not so much, some are there every step but what I am finding recently is how much I am holding space with others stories, their journey's and experiences of fertility and being a support in letting them off load but also sharing similar experiences or feelings. I am also aware that I seek out this on social media. I read something recently around how your instagram changes as you grow older and I know I now follow people with similar stories of loss, loss of fertility, loss of parenthood, loss of a child and I find courage and strength from their stories and messages. With that I wanted to share some of my own challenges and talk about why I have made changes and what I have found useful or not so useful, but not just that if someone takes an element of hope, strength or thought from reading, then the power of writing has done its work, as in this journey it's always good to know there are others out there wearing the cloak of fertility challenges and supporting and helping each other - even if it's just reading a blog, liking a picture, listening to a podcast or feeling warmed by an instagram story. 

In the last 3yrs my body has had some vast changes happen to it, I guess the major one being my endometriosis surgery - there's more and more research around this and the NHS are finally listening to women's experiences and offering surgery to rid the lesions that occur due to endometriosis. Endometriosis is when the lining of the womb (endometrial tissue) doesn't come out as blood (period) and goes back into the body, resting on other areas - bladder, ovaries, fallopian tubes etc and causing lesions and a lot of pain. I have had pain for years, in many ways and I had no idea there was a name for it, I just assumed I am a women, were always in pain. I found out when having an internal scan (and I winced with pain) that they were concerned, this concern led to more scans, surgery and a scar on my belly button. How does this affect fertility? well where the lesions occur they can block or stop the eggs and sperm happily meeting. For me I was pleased the surgery occurred, it may not change things and sadly it can't stop it coming back but it felt like something and it felt good my body was being cleansed. 

We also found out I have what's called a low ovarian reserve - basically my eggs are running out, which means the eggs left in there are a mix bad between some okay ones and some pretty bad ones. What does this mean for infertility, well like the old saying goes 'your clocks ticking' well ding dong mine certainly was. 

The next month (just over a year into our journey) we fell pregnant, I couldn't believe it, we stood in the kitchen with the pregnancy stick in shock, it was a light two lines but they were there. Sadly this turned into a early miscarriage but for us it was hope, they had final met, they just hadn't worked out they needed to stick together for longer. 

I started to research and found a lot around blood circulation, being cold and my endometrial lining, those bloody pesky eggs - which of these could this have caused my miscarriage?

Acupuncture & Reflexology

I don't love it, but it has amazing research around fertility and it also alerted me to look at my body temperature, I have always been a cold person, I used to make my friends put the fire on after a night out dancing, I have blankets everywhere in my house and I was a crap geordie who couldn't go out without her coat. I also suffer raynauds syndrome so have bad blood circulation - being cold isn't great when it comes to pregnancy as would you want to live in a cold home? Acupuncture has allowed my blood to flow more naturally and improved it's functioning, I now monitor my temperature daily and the change is mind-blowing. From a scale of ups and downs it's now levelling out and I am not as cold as I normally am, something Sam is happy about as it means the heating isn't on as much! 

I also found out about the importance of having a warm womb, hot water bottles pre ovulation on the tummy, then after ovulation on the feet. Acupuncture is Chinese medicine and it believes the feet energy lines are connected to the womb, therefore warm feet means warm womb, cosy socks, slippers and staying off cold floors - instantly my mind went to my constant refusal of wearing shoes, I even refused on our wedding day! uh oh, that explains the raynauds.  

I have also been working with a reflexologist, who does similar work in terms of working certain areas of my body through my feet to give better circulation. Why do I get the two as I love reflexology, the calmness and beauty of it is so relaxing and I feel rested and restored after it.

Diet

I haven't changed that much, I don't go out as much, a bottle of wine lasts me a week rather than a night (in the house) with the girls down the pub well that's a different story. Curry Friday's still exist and cake, well that's not going anywhere. However I did decide to lose some weight as I had started to become comfortably round and I knew that wasn't good for me emotionally, physically or mentally for this journey. So I looked at fertility friendly foods and started adding more of those into my diet beetroot juice, almonds, avocado's, spinach, eggs, pineapple (around possible conception time), soups and stews, chilli and cinnamon - these foods help blood flow and support implantation if that little embryo/blastocyst make it to that stage. The womb has to be a cosy and nurturing place for it to live so needs a good blood flow to make a thick uterine lining, supposedly these foods help do just that.

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I have started drinking more decaf tea, herbal teas - ginger especially (again blood circulation) and water. It is a challenge as I don't drink a lot of water but I purchased a huge bottle and make myself drink that every day! It's still not enough but it's better than I was. 

Yoga

I found more fertility poses have started coming into my practice, legs up against the wall being my main one, pushing the blood back to the womb and again helping the lining. My yoga practice does vary however even if I haven't practiced I try to find space before bed to shuffle my bum against the wall and whack those legs up, it just feels so nice. 

Blogs and Podcast's 

One day I started searching, I wanted to hear other's voices and experiences and I came across Elle from Feathering the Empty Nest she just spoke to me, there was something alive about her and I felt connected to this lady who was surviving a loss so deep and painful. I found strength from her words and her stories and I found something lifted in me. I would recommend her blog, instagram (even if it's just to adore Boris the Pug) as she is a true ray of sunshine and she makes me smile on daily basis. 

I also found out about  Alison Perry who has a brilliant podcast, a lot about being a Mum, I must be honest and say I haven't listened to those but the one's around fertility challenges are incredible and Alison herself has just conceived naturally through IVF. 

The Spare Room

When we moved into our 3 bedroom house, we knew which room would be our nursery, however sadly with no pregnancy the room stayed barren - like my womb (dark but true) - it became a dumping ground and we just left it to be that until it needed to be anything else. I moved into this year with the decision it needed to be different, that room needed to be decorated and it needed to be more than an empty room. So with that we started, I plastered my favourite colour purple on the wall and started making plans for a spare room/nursery. I had to believe it would be that as otherwise it would just stay ugly and unoccupied. It's still undergoing it's changes but it looks so nice already, I want to put plant's in it and fill it with life, with the hope the same may happen in my somewhere else. 

Writing

I use my blog, and my journal, I have always used writing as a therapy as I believe feelings come up for a reason, it's our body saying something so it's important to acknowledge those feelings. I have started writing more recently just a few pages a day but more to acknowledge how I feel and why I feel that way, whether that's fear, anxiety or frustration by putting it somewhere it stops it living in my body. 

Talking

I don't share everything with everyone, there's some close queen bee's out there who know, and others who know a little. I do talk about it, as I am not ashamed, embarrassed or afraid of other's reaction's. I was sick of being asked 'when are we having kids' which prompted me to be honest as  people actually need to learn it's not appropriate to ask that question. However it helps, talking helps make sense of it all and talking with women experiencing similar problems helps even more, however sourcing them out can be hard, however by talking does just that, believe me I have made some new found friends through sharing what's going on for me and finding they had similar or shared experiences. 

Me & Curly

Lastly I started believing in the power of she, the power of us and the hope I have in us and the strength of just being who we are. I trust in my body, it's gone through a lot but I know she will deliver and she will give me what is right when the time is right. 

I am part of the strong girls club and I know I got this!  

*this information shared is my own information from my own reading and research, it in no way say's by doing all this it will get you pregnant, it's my journey and my experience of as the blog is titled 'How to try and make a baby'*

3yrs on... still trying, lets plan a holiday!

Ooof where to start today, my holiday maybe, we decided to go away for some sunshine, we couldn't go to India for certain reason's, so chose the next hot place we could afford, La Palma, Canary Islands, 'as it always is sunny in the Canaries they say', hmm, seems not. This isn't  a blog about my holiday but a blog about what keeps me going through the torrent of trying to conceive. One of those things being planning and organising delicious things to keep me sane and have things to look forward too. So the Canaries was not hot, my holiday wasn't super relaxed and i missed Socks (not literal Socks, my doggy).

I realised a few things on this holiday, it was a time for reflection and a time to recognise how we move into our 3rd year, still childless, still hoping and not letting this journey break us. I don't want to mumble through a sad, poor me blog, as i dont feel poor me, i dont feel 'why us' were happy, healthy and have a great life but there's challenge that comes that no one can feel unless they have experienced or realised what it's like having years, not months, years of trying, waiting, hoping then disappointment each month for years and still at the end still not knowing if i will ever grow a baby.
What i realised on my holiday was i have changed, this journey has changed me, i see the world differently to how i used to 3yrs ago, i see fertility differently, i see my body differently and how it functions and responds. I see others differently and how they react and respond. I know who my towers of strengths are, friends who have supported me in ways that have given me what i needed just when i needed it, that self care package that turns up through the post or little quote that makes me smile. I have seen positive and negative changes in me, i have learnt i am strong and have a really positive view on this world and people. I have learnt it's okay to not want to hang out with that friend who has just had a baby, it's okay to say 'actually i just need a bit of space'. Saying no isn't being selfish, it's self care.  I have realised my dog, Socks gives me more than any human, she makes me smile when no one else can, she lets me cry and clearly doesn't say it's going to be okay and she makes me get out and walk when sometimes i want to hide. I now realise anxiety is part of my life, i do struggle at times and being in my nest makes me feel safe and secure. Yoga gives me strength and when i take time to commit to 20mins a day it gives me the power to go through the day. I have learnt blogging and writing lets me express and share and its cathartic and therapeutic.

I have also learnt so many people experience or have experienced fertility related problems and when you talk about it, people share who have never shared before. I do enjoy hearing stories of other people's journeys but from their mouths not others, as everyone has a friend who....

I want fertility issues to be something more talked about, i am open and honest about our journey, some things i chose not to share, as i have to remember there is 2 of us in all of this, but i want is it to be okay to say 'you know what it isn't happening for us' that doesn't mean i am going to break down crying, i don't need your sympathy or sad face just talk to me like this is okay and just another of life's challenges.

So what happens next who knows, what i have learnt is that knowing something delicious is on the cards, then that keeps me focused, keeps me strong and lets me know what i have is already enough.

Writing with Enjoyment.

I was completing my bullet journal for June when I suddenly had the thought of blogging, I have been urging myself to put something together and have ideas in my mind but I haven’t been pulled to start, until this morning. As I wrote in my last blog entry I had decided to get an entry up as a bit of an update, I hadn’t written anything for so long and writing is something that helps me express and make sense.
After my blog entry I went back to my journaling, writing a diary has always been something i attempt to keep up, over the years it has come in many different forms and at times none at all.

I remember as a teenager having a forever friends diary i was obsessed with those cute tubby teddies and owned a lot of goodies with their smiley faces on. My diaries at those times were of first kisses, boyfriends, arguments with Mum, who my most recent bestfriend was and who had decided to bully me that day. I didnt open my heart but i remember a number of years back finding them and cringing at my words and behaviours.

Travel journals are what i feel take people back to diary writing, its like a standard thing you do when you go away, part of that 'going away pack' is the beautiful journal where you store all your tickets/ideas and adventures. It's funny how we document the holiday in a far away land but not the amazing adventure in the UK or two week holiday in Europe, Sam's idea made me smile when we travelled, he isnt a big writer and even had his diary given to him from is first trip 10yrs ago, this time though he decided to keep a journal, he decided that what was important to him was to document the beers/lagers he drank, at first i laughed but as the time went on, i got it, his journal filled up and he wrote scores and comments but also where he was when he drank it. The taste of that drink described and the words of where he drank it took him back when he reads through his diary, for me it was such a creative way to document but suited his style of journaling.

I also got back into journaling in a therapeutic stance a few years back and have shared this with a few friends who may have been having a rough patch, morning pages, i was studying with the Women and Girls Network www.wgn.org.uk/ and carried out a days training with Jackee Holder www.jackeeholder.com/ learning about how to use writing as a therapeutic tool, the day was incredible and i instantly left, buying a journal to carry out morning pages. Morning pages is a journal form carried out in the morning, it requires you to write three pages of writing, you just write what is in your mind, no thinking just letting your hand write and explore, when you come to the end you stop, close your journal, your not required to read your morning pages again, its a lovely form of processing what is in our minds by removing it and placing it elsewhere www.juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/morning-pages/ - this link gives you further information and explains it further. I dont write my morning pages every morning now but i do go back to it at times if i need to process a dream, woke up in a strange mood or if my mood has become low and i need a place to put it without burdening others.

My newest form of journaling however comes in the form of bullet journaling, for those who don’t know what that is, it’s a diary which allows you to be as creative as you want, you set the rules/pages and ideas. I had started one last year but couldn’t work out how I wanted it to work for me, after a bit of pinterest searching, seeking of my moleskin notebook and colouring pencils I started to plan and my bullet journal became alive again.

One of the things that has been great for me in my journal is processing what makes me feel good, what keeps my soul alive, I decided to keep an enjoyment tracker, not adding too much, but things I feel are manageable within the month, on each day I then colour in the square if I have managed to carry the activity out. Last month I managed a number of things however can see that some days I did nothing that I love, at one point three days in a row, that says so much for me at how we just keep on moving and sometimes don’t give ourselves the space to just be. Each week I teach my yogis to allow some time for themselves, however how can I preach what I don’t practise. The enjoyment tracker is helping me really take focus, for June I even added an extra enjoyment… let’s see how I get on.

So the question is how often do you manage to do things you enjoy?

I have added some images below of pinterest ideas that I can’t wait to add into my journal.

The Start of Something new.

Blogging - urgh. It’s something i have decided to do to document whats happening right now in what i feel is a pretty exciting time in my life. I have realised that i am in that period of my life where a number of my closest and bestests are dotted all over and there is only so many phone calls and emails you can share the same information before it gets boring and the excitement i first had dwindles.

I thought by sharing it on here would allow me to share these times and document my journey for what i hope to be an exciting future.
So my first blog is to share some photo’s with those of you who care.
OUR WEDDING VENUE.
Yep as you may already know me and my perfect curly are getting hitched next year and doing it the way we feel represents us. I have told so many people about it and described it the best i can but here are a couple of photo’s so you get the idea.

Newcastle Civic Centre - Where we say I DO and Our barn - where the wedding breakfast (food) and party will be held..