Care - what does it look like to you?

I have woken today with a heavy heart and a reflective mind, it's a question I have been asking myself for a while, what does care look like to me? How do I know others care or show they care and how do I muddle through this world of friendship, family, work, life knowing how to care for others and how they care for me.

Care: the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.

I know I show care through communication, it's my go to, whether that's dedicated quality time with someone, words of love, support and commitment to being present and loyal.  I believe this is the way I also look after myself, being honest and real with how I think and feel and ensuring I listen to what's best for me. Allowing myself quality time and commitment to my needs and time allows a better me.

In my work I show I care through counselling, I feel it's my gift to support and empower young women and men to overcome trauma and find their way back into this world after horrific abuse and assault. However how I care in my work is different to my care in friendships as I don't expect anything back from my young people, just for them to attend and commit to finding their path to recover.

This post links similarly to another blog I wanted to write and have been hesitant as I know it feels a tricky one to navigate, female friendships, I guess when I reflect on female friendships they have changed, grown and lost, they have been some of the biggest life lessons and some of the biggest hurts but when I look at them all communication was either the growth or loss in them all.

I feel I also don't help myself as I am aware of my strength and commitment to my own care, life has brought up so many challenges that I have had to navigate a lot of self development and find what's important to me, my values and morals have defiantly been challenged and tested and it's taken me time to find what the core of them are, I feel I am close, not fully there but I know what's important and one thing is there being a balance in friendship, a balance in care, that it's not just a one way process. I know I am a person who likes to support others but recently I have realised I don't always get that back and why that is I will never know.

When I moved back to Newcastle it wasn't easy, my main community i was friends with before had moved away and I knew another friendship group was changing, i didn't feel a place there. It was a new challenge for me and once again it felt I was starting again, I guess that's a reflection in itself the amount of times I have made changes in my life which means I have had to find new friendships and make new connections. Sometimes I feel I am constantly navigating this world and I know I have a few very close ones, I do still miss my core favourites, I guess that's where my love language of quality time comes in, making sure I spend time away and commit to the importance of those friendships.

We bumble along in this life, enjoying and embracing it, friendships change, people change but does the way we care change? How do we chose how we care and what navigates us to this way of being. I guess for me I have realised there's only so much I can give and if it's not equal I question the importance and place for it.

Maybe I am always going to be reflecting and questioning this, as I move through life I make stronger friendships with more meaning and depth then I have ever felt, we look for different aspects in people as we grow and I thank the ones around me, holding, supporting and communicating through this tricky stage of life. 

How to try and grow a baby!

A friend of mine was pregnant with her 2nd child and she was sharing her wealth of books purchased in preparation for this new life. We laughed and giggled at the information in them, the knowledge they shared and what she was finding helpful/unhelpful... that friend smiled at me and said 'you can have them when you have your baby' she give me the hope I had started to lose, and at that point I needed that hope. I decided to take those books as for me they signified hope, hope that one day I would need their pearls of wisdom or laughter. They now live in a cupboard in the 'spare room' (I will come to this these hyphens) and I took one out recently, my heart warmed and my womb ached and my belief of pregnancy resided strong and that felt good... and with that this blog post came. 

I had wanted to write for a while but wasn't sure what too, it's true with writing you just know when you want to, an idea comes and the words flow.

I have been talking and sharing with a number of friends recently, some know a lot of what's happening for us, some not so much, some are there every step but what I am finding recently is how much I am holding space with others stories, their journey's and experiences of fertility and being a support in letting them off load but also sharing similar experiences or feelings. I am also aware that I seek out this on social media. I read something recently around how your instagram changes as you grow older and I know I now follow people with similar stories of loss, loss of fertility, loss of parenthood, loss of a child and I find courage and strength from their stories and messages. With that I wanted to share some of my own challenges and talk about why I have made changes and what I have found useful or not so useful, but not just that if someone takes an element of hope, strength or thought from reading, then the power of writing has done its work, as in this journey it's always good to know there are others out there wearing the cloak of fertility challenges and supporting and helping each other - even if it's just reading a blog, liking a picture, listening to a podcast or feeling warmed by an instagram story. 

In the last 3yrs my body has had some vast changes happen to it, I guess the major one being my endometriosis surgery - there's more and more research around this and the NHS are finally listening to women's experiences and offering surgery to rid the lesions that occur due to endometriosis. Endometriosis is when the lining of the womb (endometrial tissue) doesn't come out as blood (period) and goes back into the body, resting on other areas - bladder, ovaries, fallopian tubes etc and causing lesions and a lot of pain. I have had pain for years, in many ways and I had no idea there was a name for it, I just assumed I am a women, were always in pain. I found out when having an internal scan (and I winced with pain) that they were concerned, this concern led to more scans, surgery and a scar on my belly button. How does this affect fertility? well where the lesions occur they can block or stop the eggs and sperm happily meeting. For me I was pleased the surgery occurred, it may not change things and sadly it can't stop it coming back but it felt like something and it felt good my body was being cleansed. 

We also found out I have what's called a low ovarian reserve - basically my eggs are running out, which means the eggs left in there are a mix bad between some okay ones and some pretty bad ones. What does this mean for infertility, well like the old saying goes 'your clocks ticking' well ding dong mine certainly was. 

The next month (just over a year into our journey) we fell pregnant, I couldn't believe it, we stood in the kitchen with the pregnancy stick in shock, it was a light two lines but they were there. Sadly this turned into a early miscarriage but for us it was hope, they had final met, they just hadn't worked out they needed to stick together for longer. 

I started to research and found a lot around blood circulation, being cold and my endometrial lining, those bloody pesky eggs - which of these could this have caused my miscarriage?

Acupuncture & Reflexology

I don't love it, but it has amazing research around fertility and it also alerted me to look at my body temperature, I have always been a cold person, I used to make my friends put the fire on after a night out dancing, I have blankets everywhere in my house and I was a crap geordie who couldn't go out without her coat. I also suffer raynauds syndrome so have bad blood circulation - being cold isn't great when it comes to pregnancy as would you want to live in a cold home? Acupuncture has allowed my blood to flow more naturally and improved it's functioning, I now monitor my temperature daily and the change is mind-blowing. From a scale of ups and downs it's now levelling out and I am not as cold as I normally am, something Sam is happy about as it means the heating isn't on as much! 

I also found out about the importance of having a warm womb, hot water bottles pre ovulation on the tummy, then after ovulation on the feet. Acupuncture is Chinese medicine and it believes the feet energy lines are connected to the womb, therefore warm feet means warm womb, cosy socks, slippers and staying off cold floors - instantly my mind went to my constant refusal of wearing shoes, I even refused on our wedding day! uh oh, that explains the raynauds.  

I have also been working with a reflexologist, who does similar work in terms of working certain areas of my body through my feet to give better circulation. Why do I get the two as I love reflexology, the calmness and beauty of it is so relaxing and I feel rested and restored after it.

Diet

I haven't changed that much, I don't go out as much, a bottle of wine lasts me a week rather than a night (in the house) with the girls down the pub well that's a different story. Curry Friday's still exist and cake, well that's not going anywhere. However I did decide to lose some weight as I had started to become comfortably round and I knew that wasn't good for me emotionally, physically or mentally for this journey. So I looked at fertility friendly foods and started adding more of those into my diet beetroot juice, almonds, avocado's, spinach, eggs, pineapple (around possible conception time), soups and stews, chilli and cinnamon - these foods help blood flow and support implantation if that little embryo/blastocyst make it to that stage. The womb has to be a cosy and nurturing place for it to live so needs a good blood flow to make a thick uterine lining, supposedly these foods help do just that.

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I have started drinking more decaf tea, herbal teas - ginger especially (again blood circulation) and water. It is a challenge as I don't drink a lot of water but I purchased a huge bottle and make myself drink that every day! It's still not enough but it's better than I was. 

Yoga

I found more fertility poses have started coming into my practice, legs up against the wall being my main one, pushing the blood back to the womb and again helping the lining. My yoga practice does vary however even if I haven't practiced I try to find space before bed to shuffle my bum against the wall and whack those legs up, it just feels so nice. 

Blogs and Podcast's 

One day I started searching, I wanted to hear other's voices and experiences and I came across Elle from Feathering the Empty Nest she just spoke to me, there was something alive about her and I felt connected to this lady who was surviving a loss so deep and painful. I found strength from her words and her stories and I found something lifted in me. I would recommend her blog, instagram (even if it's just to adore Boris the Pug) as she is a true ray of sunshine and she makes me smile on daily basis. 

I also found out about  Alison Perry who has a brilliant podcast, a lot about being a Mum, I must be honest and say I haven't listened to those but the one's around fertility challenges are incredible and Alison herself has just conceived naturally through IVF. 

The Spare Room

When we moved into our 3 bedroom house, we knew which room would be our nursery, however sadly with no pregnancy the room stayed barren - like my womb (dark but true) - it became a dumping ground and we just left it to be that until it needed to be anything else. I moved into this year with the decision it needed to be different, that room needed to be decorated and it needed to be more than an empty room. So with that we started, I plastered my favourite colour purple on the wall and started making plans for a spare room/nursery. I had to believe it would be that as otherwise it would just stay ugly and unoccupied. It's still undergoing it's changes but it looks so nice already, I want to put plant's in it and fill it with life, with the hope the same may happen in my somewhere else. 

Writing

I use my blog, and my journal, I have always used writing as a therapy as I believe feelings come up for a reason, it's our body saying something so it's important to acknowledge those feelings. I have started writing more recently just a few pages a day but more to acknowledge how I feel and why I feel that way, whether that's fear, anxiety or frustration by putting it somewhere it stops it living in my body. 

Talking

I don't share everything with everyone, there's some close queen bee's out there who know, and others who know a little. I do talk about it, as I am not ashamed, embarrassed or afraid of other's reaction's. I was sick of being asked 'when are we having kids' which prompted me to be honest as  people actually need to learn it's not appropriate to ask that question. However it helps, talking helps make sense of it all and talking with women experiencing similar problems helps even more, however sourcing them out can be hard, however by talking does just that, believe me I have made some new found friends through sharing what's going on for me and finding they had similar or shared experiences. 

Me & Curly

Lastly I started believing in the power of she, the power of us and the hope I have in us and the strength of just being who we are. I trust in my body, it's gone through a lot but I know she will deliver and she will give me what is right when the time is right. 

I am part of the strong girls club and I know I got this!  

*this information shared is my own information from my own reading and research, it in no way say's by doing all this it will get you pregnant, it's my journey and my experience of as the blog is titled 'How to try and make a baby'*

Shambala beautiful.

Shambala

2013, another year frolicking in the hidden fields of the Midlands, our yearly journey to Shambala; we were one down but still a car full of feathers, glitter, fancy dress and cosy warmth travelled the road to Shambala town, with a pickup in East London we were on our way, happy and smiling. The journey sadly didn’t go as smooth as planned and a quick stop off turned into a long lost walk along the motorway looking for Ewan’s bag, with the bag found we got back on route ready for our exciting journey in the wondrous fields of Shambeautiful.  

We arrived later than our usual time but the joy of Shambala shone bright, with new areas to frolic in and a choice of new campsite we decided to pitch a bit higher than usual, this year we had two new campers joining us the lovely Emily and Sophie so we spread out our belongings out and made sure we saved enough space for our whole Shambala crew.

The Thursday night was spent feasting on a BBQ of delicious treats, tasty cider and vino, the joy of watching people arrive, set up and prepare for a weekend of silliness is great, the festival is so different from others, its definitely one of my favourites and even though its smaller there is a romance about it that I don’t feel at other festivals.

The Friday was spent enjoying the musical treats, venturing into the new areas and basking in the delight of Shambala brilliantness. The colours and features that make the festival are just so incredible and there is a real vibe of goodness and warmth from all attending. What I love about Shambala is that there is music on but it’s not the main part of attending the festival, it’s about all the other things that are going on, there are times on the main stage where there are big slots of no music but it works as you can go somewhere else and get involved with something else like a dance workshop, yoga, meditation, basket weaving or playing the fool its just filled with a great amount of goodness and smiles.

One of my favourite parts of the weekend was playing the fool with Jonathon Kay http://www.jonathankay.co.uk/ we spotted a huge group of people running around the festival being very silly, at first we couldn’t work out what was going on so attempted to ask some of the group but all they replied was they were not sure either, we chose to take the chance and join the group and the brilliantness of the performance was just allowing yourself to be you, that silly part that we lose due to the seriousness of the world we live in. It was just great, so lovely to be part of a wider circle of loveliness and childlike fun. Jonathon Kay (the Fool) got everyone involved and his level of energy was electric and really made the group perform and enjoy. Sam and I enjoyed it so much we went back on the Sunday and played again, a number of friends I talked too that weekend had also caught one of his workshops and it seemed the fool had enticed everyone’s inner child and brought out a whole lot of goodness in everyone’s hearts.

Some of the great bands we saw were the beautiful Alice Russell, her soulful voice filled the fields and Emily and I enjoyed a good boogie at the front. The Shambala beatbox orchestra were also incredible; the sounds these 5 boys made were out of this world and magic to watch. Smerins Anti-Social Club, a favourite of Sam and I’s who we were introduced to last year was once again brilliant, a lot of brass band jumping. We saw the beauty of Amadou and Mariam, a friend had told me about how amazing they were and to see them perform and sing was heart moving. There were just so many brilliant bands, some I knew, a lot I didn’t but that’s part of the exploring of Shambala, finding out about music that you once didn’t know about, the different types of music, joyful beats and lovely voices allows a wealth of different era’s and great new and old sounds to enter your world.

The festival stays open all night but some of the great night time areas enjoyed this year was the pirate ship and the disco shed, the woods still held the crown and glory of being a place to party but with all these new places there was a lot of time spent wondering spangly from one place to another, soaking in the disco beats and great dancing. My disco companion this year came in the form of some heart shape glasses, everytime you put them on and looked to the lights the lights turned into hearts and suddenly your whole world was lots of colourful beautiful hearts, what more does a girl need then disco and hearts!

The Saturday brought the parade and the theme this year was the lost tribes of Shambala, our group decided to go with the lost tribe of tourism and I do believe we were the only ones dressed as this. The different costumes are always amazing and everyone goes to such great lengths – some of my favourites were the lost tribe of board games, to see someone dressed as an operation board game was a great highlight and lovely to see the artistic skills of people. Sam had made us all brilliant guidebooks and Shambala maps to make our costumes look as real as possible, with Ewan as our Shambala guide we were ready to go and walk the procession. It’s a great feeling being part of such a large scale procession, the boom boxes are always blaring and everyone gets involved, the delight of colour and beauty fills the Shambala fields and a real sense of happiness and glow shines bright from the smiling faces of the weird and wonderful.

Our last night was spent dancing to the English disco league in the pirate ship, a lot of funky moves were made, heart glasses shared and cocktails drunk. We ended the night back at camp, burning the last of the firewood and giggling at the weekend’s delights.

With our travels next year (2014) and a possible wedding (2015) we won’t be gracing the fields again until 2016 but 2013 has defiantly left me with the feeling Shambala will be a festival that will be in our lives for a long time, the greatness it brings is one I hold and take away and I feel privileged to have enjoyed the last 3 beautiful years there.