9 months of reflections!

Going back to work after 9 months off is a strange thing in itself, without the added depths of leaving your baby, overcoming mental health needs, a worldwide pandemic and feeling trapped in your home. When the lock down began we all felt certain elements of worry and stress but what struck me was my sense of loss, my loss of the end of my maternity leave. I sat crying as guidelines were imposed about the ending of groups, the ending of support and the ending of a time i had started to enjoy.

As i have documented in other blogs sadly maternity leave didn't start as planned, Albie didn't show up for some time and when he did i spent my first 3 months in a postnatal haze feeling low, tearful and really confused at how i should care for my baby and if i had the ability to. I couldn't feed him, the midwife made me feel i wasn't caring for his needs and my own mental health went into nose dive at the expectations i felt i wasn't meeting. It changed at 6 months, properly anyway, i suddenly got it, i knew him, he knew me and i had friends, networks, groups, family and knew what i needed to do at certain times of the day to make the day easier. We got into a flow and it suddenly felt natural, i still missed work, i missed that part of me, but life didn't feel as lost as it once had. We had around 2 months of this, then it changed and my process of moving into lock down was definitely of grief, that the end of maternity was starting to look like the start, a hazy mess feeling slightly lost. I felt bad for feeling this, i felt guilt at my selfishness but i felt it important to recognise and understand why lock down was feeling more of a struggle and why i couldn't accept what was happening.

I also was coming to the end of my counselling and this stopped (my choice) due to it moving to online, again something i was working on that i felt was taken away. Then i was going back to work at my old job and i was starting a new job one day a week for another charity, something i was looking forward to for so long, being with my work peeps and engaging with incredible young people, again this all changed when i was told i would be working from my spare room. I have adjusted, i have had to, i have processed, i have had to, i am not the only one feeling so many losses right now, my losses feel insignificant to the reality of what is happening, but there mine and they feel important to voice as it also feels were not allowed to talk about the smaller things anymore, small things that can feel big things in a already complex world.

Maternity leave hasn't been the sabbatical i thought it would be, it wasn't the dreamy days of lying feeding my baby with the sun shining in and a relaxed playlist in the background. It was hard, so fricken hard, it was exhausting and more confusing then i ever imagined. It was beautiful in a whole host of ways and it was confusing, all the things i expected didn't happen, all the things i hoped for didn't happen, i had to adjust and change and keep alive a new small being, whilst being so mixed up about what my feelings were for this new life. I had to be open and raw and admit i sometimes wanted him back inside as he was safe there, my body knew how to care for him, i had to be open i wasn't in my own mind at times and i had to cry, i cried a river there were so many tears but i had to trust in love, that it would grow, that it would allow my heart to open and be vulnerable and i had to understand there was no running, i was staying put however hard that felt at times and still does, my home was my boy, my beautiful boy.

The naivety i felt pre pregnancy sits with me and i love it, i love the beauty of believing so much can happen, i love the realism i held vanished due to this life growing in me and this exciting new adventure to come. What i learnt was you have no control at times and that's okay, the minute i accepted he was in control of what happened next i started to understand and the adventure changed but not always in a bad way. That acceptance sits with me and the learning's i have had over the last 9 months are some of my strongest lessons. I have realised that i can be so insecure at my own abilities as a women, wife and mother, i am not forgiven on myself and have unearthed a part of me i don't like, it's negative and struggles to see optimism, but i am working on it and i am aware of it and that is the only way change can be made. I have learnt i am selfish, which i don't feel is a bad thing, i miss my old life, it will never be how it was but i hope it can have resemblances, i wanted to be a mother for so long and when the time came i questioned if it was something i had always wanted, which also made me feel such guilt that i was questioning something i had worked so hard to get. I also realised how strong i am, that i spent 3 days in labour and 8hrs in pain without help, they didn't know how to help when nothing else was working, the midwife shared after she had never experienced what happened to me, at the time i didn't know how to react but when i look back now i am so thankful i survived as at one point i wasn't sure i would. I understand my job more, i understand flashbacks and trauma more, so although i wished i had never gone through what i had in labour it has led me to be able to understand when someone talks of the impact of flashback's as 9 months on i still experience them now, i manage them but a song, a smell, a programme with labour in it brings it all back. I learnt that fertility treatment is traumatic and will never leave me, that process of 3.5yrs of appointments, prodding, poking and loss has burnt a place in my heart and when it was all over i was so happy but i was also lost, the feelings fertility treatment leaves you with is so complex and the only people who understand are those also going through it, were sisters and warriors, we survive the battle and keep throwing ourselves in to get what comes so easily to others.

I have also learnt new ways to love in my relationship, it's true if you survive the first year of having a baby you can survive anything, the amount you have to give up is commitment beyond belief. Sam has literally saved me on so many occasions, he has been 100% and has had his own challenges but has always been present and available and when it comes to parenting, he is by us every step. A new love developed when i watched him feed our new born baby with teeny cups in the midst of the night, when he encouraged me to feed in other ways and never told me not to cry when i needed too, i saw he was willing to do anything to help us survive in those first few weeks even at times when he himself was breaking.

The main thing i have learnt though is a love so strong it makes me gush with emotion, at times Sam even laughs at me as every day this small human makes my heart explode, explode with pride, happiness and pure greatness at my achievement as he is my greatest achievement.

Those in between days!

I chose to end work 4 weeks to my due date, that was 1 weeks holiday and 3 weeks maternity, i had so many lovely plans with friends, family and baby bits to do that i felt it was the perfect amount of time for me. The reason for this was that i had a due date and obviously my baby was going to come before that! OH NO!

So we have two due dates, only us! The one the Centre of Life gave us and the one the Midwife gave us, we went with the Midwife one as it was the earlier date (obviously) it seems that's been and gone and still no babe, so we have moved to the next date! Due dates are something we look for and are given as part of the pregnancy journey, when really there picked from guestimations of dates, i was convinced ours would be more certain as were IVF, therefore the dates are pretty spot on. I did wonder if with this egg being frozen for a good few months would make a difference, and who knows, just like the due date, we won't know which is the correct date, which i guess is babies in general, constantly working out what's next and what feels right, up and down days, but attempting to stay positive and focused.

A friend text today the mantra i needed to hear 'my baby will come, when my baby is ready' the power in those words shifted my thinking and made me go yep baby sure will. I have tried all the old wives tales, more than once, i have walked and walked and walked and felt pressure like no other but still nothing and i have today accepted that's fine, as babe is just not ready yet. We have made some decisions of what feels right for our next steps for that little one inside, my mental well being and Sam's sanity and feel a nice suited plan for us 3 is being put in place. We also have our lovely dog walker on standby for picking up our fur babies so keeping her up to date and ensuring the pooches are cared for is a priority also. You get to a point where for me i have to make plans and see people as being in the house drives me mad, even more so with the Summer sun beaming down, so this week is about seeing friends, enjoying time where i can talk and hear their news and enjoying sunshine on my face and cake in mouth, thanking babe for giving me more space and time to catch up with important friends and take pleasure in the company and support they give.

There's still things for me to do here, i am putting a list together today and if things get done, great, if they don't they will at some point, but it's important to remember what feels right for me as if i am unhappy surely my baby will feel that, it also feels important to let the emotions i have pass, talk openly about them with Sam and friends and learn what feels right. It's such a huge process i am going through and i am definitely learning at every stage.

The waiting game especially leading up to that due date feels a game of trickery the body is vamping up, it's doing things i don't understand and making me feel every night labour may start, but it doesn't and the next day i wake up and start again, listening to what she, this body of mine wants me to know, what feels good and what doesn't but that soon something will happen and i will know, preparation is what i feel i am being giving in these waiting days and i am slowly holding on and making the most of it.