labouring through

It's took a year to write this, i am still not 100% sure i am ready but, with Albie turning 1 this week it felt the process of attempting to make sense of what happened would be good and allow me some reflection on that time one year ago. 

If your pregnant i would say this may not be the best thing for you to read, if you like all the details then go ahead but remember this was my journey and all journeys are not the same. If you had your own traumatic experience of labour then be aware this could bring triggers, just make sure your looking after yourself as this is my honest and detailed account of what happened to me. I also want to share that although there were things that went wrong our midwife care was beyond exceptional and we felt cared for by those looking after us, things happen, decisions are made we understand that but the 5 midwifes who cared for us looked after us with unbelievable care, understanding and honesty and without them we couldn't have done it.

After taking so long to fall pregnant my two wishes were that we would make it to full term and that our labour would happen 'naturally' and induction wouldn't be the route we had to go down. I spoke openly about how this wasn't the type of labour i agreed with and how i knew the outcome would lead to assistance due to the fast pace of contractions, and my body not being totally ready for what would be occurring. However, it's what happened and after two weeks of waiting i knew my baby wasn't coming naturally, i spoke to my midwife and induction was booked, on the 28th July 2019 we walked into that induction suite with little idea what was to happen next but filled with excitement the time had come to meet our baby.

For those who don't know about induction it happens in many ways, mostly in the form of a pessarie or gel that's inserted into your vulva then if that starts to work and your cervix dilates into 'active labour' (which i think is around 6cms) your good to go. If you don't get to this stage you get put on a drip, which is like a pace maker for the womb, the drip is filled with a drug that forces contractions and throughout your labour your given larger doses, making the contractions bigger and hopefully your cervix begins to open more and your baby starts to move, active labour begins. 

I went into the induction suite for 5pm on Sunday 28th, they settled me into a room with 4 other 'inductees' and throughout the evening everyone was given the gels to start labour moving, one by one women moved out as they progressed. At around 1am the midwifes shared i was contracting well and showing good signs, however when they did their internal check i sadly wasn't dilating and sadly was still only 1cm, not even enough to break my waters, this carried on for a few hours, we walked around and around the RVI and bounced and bounced but sadly things weren't moving as fast as they would like. They finally managed to break my waters on Monday morning, around 7am, 11hrs into the beginning stages of labour, the period style pain contractions. Things started to feel slightly out of my control of my own body at this stage, i was in discomfort and pain and felt powerless as to what was being prodded in me. Now, i am aware this happens to A LOT of women, however for me, this area of my body had experienced this prodding for 4yrs now, many investigations into my fertility, with ivf you always have some 'wand' being inserted to check for follicles, embryos, eggs etc etc so for this now to be happening throughout birth also was just adding to the trauma of feeling it was someone else's to do as they wanted. 

At this point we spoke with the midwife and informed them i didn't want any sweeps, i didn't want to be prodded unless needed, and requested any checks that could be delayed until actual labour fully started would be. They were so understanding, asked what would help and offered me a bath, i remember so clearly getting in the bath with some clary sage and listening to the archers, it felt warm and comforting on my body and i lay there in this tiny bath, waters broken but feeling more at ease. 

The next few hours turned into a blur as sadly i moved into a more pressing labour but there wasn't room for me in the delivery suite until 3pm Monday, 21hrs into first stage labour. I tried not to feel frustrated and knew i needed all my good hormones to flow but sadly this insane procedure they had in place for induction women meant my labour soon came to a stop as there was nowhere for me to move to and the 'holding rooms' were not the most relaxing. 

When we finally moved into an available room the drip was waiting and any form of moving, swaying labour was heading out the door. After flapping and huffing for a bit, Sam calmed me down, he made the room lovely, diffuser, affirmation cards, music and massaged my back helping me guide back into the space, it felt good and i was happy to just be present with him. 

Labour started to take hold around 8pm, around 26hrs in, i was starting to understand contractions and breathing through them with my yoga breathing, i felt in control of my body and was sniffing my lavender hanky like there was no tomorrow. I got to 12pm, 30hrs into labour and realised i needed something more, the gas and air was making me sick and my breath wasn't cutting it, after another hour of discussing and looking at the pluses and negatives we decided to opt for an epidural, the antitheist came, placed the site and administered the drug, i waited and expected that calm to come where i would get some sleep and contractions could move through me more freely. I waited and waited and as the drip was pushed higher i realised nothing was happening, it wasn't working, something was wrong, the epidural had failed me, i was now contracting big, but my cervix was only at 2.5cms (not classed as active labour) however my contractions were that of active labour, my midwife was confused and the look on Sam's face was of worry, and this is where it all just started to go wrong. 

So i am aware that women have traumatic births every day, i am not saying mine is the worst ever but for me my birth was traumatic, it was everything i didn't want it to be and everything they didn't want it to be, it was raw and brutal and the journey it took was everything i did not want it to be, it lives with me still and i remember it daily, the trauma is held in my body, in my c section scar and although i have processed a lot of it its hard to forget something so monumental, the day my son came into the world, the most wonderful day ever is also the day my body and mind was slightly broken. 

For the next 6hrs a number of things went wrong, they couldn't place any epidural so i was contracting strong every 2mins, not even in active labour with no pain relief, i was screaming for a c section at one point as i felt my body was about to explode, we were left alone for an hour when the 2nd epidural was placed, which again we were assured would work and it didn't, Sam actually walked out into the labour ward asking anyone for help, to be told we had to wait for our midwife to come back from lunch, which she deserved and needed but at that point we also needed someone to help. After 6hrs of no clue how i was going to do it they called the big leads in and the consultant visited me at 7am, horrified at what she found. The hierarchy of midwifes and antitheist played it's part and the consultant shared she should have been rung earlier, i was given pethidine and finally an epidural that worked, i finally found some calm and my drug fuelled haze set in to allow me some sleep, 49hrs after arriving at hospital. 

52hrs after we first arrived they made the decision we needed to move to a c-section, i wasn't in immediate danger and Albie was fine but they knew he wasn't coming out, i didn't know at the time but he was back to back which basically means he was snug as a bug and not in the right position to push on the cervix properly to dilate it. As we entered theatre i remember i just needed Sam to hold my face, the drugs were hard at that point and my jaw wouldn't stay still, i remember thinking i can't bring my baby into the world like this and imagined how my Mum would have to look after him until i was well enough. I realise now i needed physical contact, everything felt so out of control i needed that touch from my husband to hold me and tell me it was all going to be okay.

 Albie was born at 10.54am, 52hrs and 54mins later, he came out fully 'cooked' with not an ounce of amniotic fluid on him and was a strapping 9lb 30z and a face that made our world shine. 

Those after hours feel a blur of drug tripping hazy waves, at times i didn't feel able to hold Albie as i was scared of dropping him, i was hearing voices of friends that weren't there and both Sam and I were falling asleep as hadn't slept properly since Sunday and it was now Tuesday afternoon. It was the most intense but powerful few hours having this new life in our arms, Sam did most of the skin to skin due to me not being well enough too. Our midwifes came and helped us soothe him to sleep, giving us a few hours to close our eyes before my Mum and Ron came to meet him. 

When everyone left that evening and it was just me and him, i lay next to him watching him, not believing he was mine and we were one, he scared me but made me whole and this new chapter was about to begin. 

Labour, she's a beast in many forms and i still don't know the exact words i use to describe her, i struggled to just forget what happened like others say you do, i couldn't forget the face of my husband as he watched me agonising in pain totally helpless and i couldn't forget the face of my midwife as she questioned what was going on, however i do remember the squidginess of my boy as he entered this world and for that it was worth it but i knew i wouldn't be putting myself through it again, he was here and now we were done. 

9 months of reflections!

Going back to work after 9 months off is a strange thing in itself, without the added depths of leaving your baby, overcoming mental health needs, a worldwide pandemic and feeling trapped in your home. When the lock down began we all felt certain elements of worry and stress but what struck me was my sense of loss, my loss of the end of my maternity leave. I sat crying as guidelines were imposed about the ending of groups, the ending of support and the ending of a time i had started to enjoy.

As i have documented in other blogs sadly maternity leave didn't start as planned, Albie didn't show up for some time and when he did i spent my first 3 months in a postnatal haze feeling low, tearful and really confused at how i should care for my baby and if i had the ability to. I couldn't feed him, the midwife made me feel i wasn't caring for his needs and my own mental health went into nose dive at the expectations i felt i wasn't meeting. It changed at 6 months, properly anyway, i suddenly got it, i knew him, he knew me and i had friends, networks, groups, family and knew what i needed to do at certain times of the day to make the day easier. We got into a flow and it suddenly felt natural, i still missed work, i missed that part of me, but life didn't feel as lost as it once had. We had around 2 months of this, then it changed and my process of moving into lock down was definitely of grief, that the end of maternity was starting to look like the start, a hazy mess feeling slightly lost. I felt bad for feeling this, i felt guilt at my selfishness but i felt it important to recognise and understand why lock down was feeling more of a struggle and why i couldn't accept what was happening.

I also was coming to the end of my counselling and this stopped (my choice) due to it moving to online, again something i was working on that i felt was taken away. Then i was going back to work at my old job and i was starting a new job one day a week for another charity, something i was looking forward to for so long, being with my work peeps and engaging with incredible young people, again this all changed when i was told i would be working from my spare room. I have adjusted, i have had to, i have processed, i have had to, i am not the only one feeling so many losses right now, my losses feel insignificant to the reality of what is happening, but there mine and they feel important to voice as it also feels were not allowed to talk about the smaller things anymore, small things that can feel big things in a already complex world.

Maternity leave hasn't been the sabbatical i thought it would be, it wasn't the dreamy days of lying feeding my baby with the sun shining in and a relaxed playlist in the background. It was hard, so fricken hard, it was exhausting and more confusing then i ever imagined. It was beautiful in a whole host of ways and it was confusing, all the things i expected didn't happen, all the things i hoped for didn't happen, i had to adjust and change and keep alive a new small being, whilst being so mixed up about what my feelings were for this new life. I had to be open and raw and admit i sometimes wanted him back inside as he was safe there, my body knew how to care for him, i had to be open i wasn't in my own mind at times and i had to cry, i cried a river there were so many tears but i had to trust in love, that it would grow, that it would allow my heart to open and be vulnerable and i had to understand there was no running, i was staying put however hard that felt at times and still does, my home was my boy, my beautiful boy.

The naivety i felt pre pregnancy sits with me and i love it, i love the beauty of believing so much can happen, i love the realism i held vanished due to this life growing in me and this exciting new adventure to come. What i learnt was you have no control at times and that's okay, the minute i accepted he was in control of what happened next i started to understand and the adventure changed but not always in a bad way. That acceptance sits with me and the learning's i have had over the last 9 months are some of my strongest lessons. I have realised that i can be so insecure at my own abilities as a women, wife and mother, i am not forgiven on myself and have unearthed a part of me i don't like, it's negative and struggles to see optimism, but i am working on it and i am aware of it and that is the only way change can be made. I have learnt i am selfish, which i don't feel is a bad thing, i miss my old life, it will never be how it was but i hope it can have resemblances, i wanted to be a mother for so long and when the time came i questioned if it was something i had always wanted, which also made me feel such guilt that i was questioning something i had worked so hard to get. I also realised how strong i am, that i spent 3 days in labour and 8hrs in pain without help, they didn't know how to help when nothing else was working, the midwife shared after she had never experienced what happened to me, at the time i didn't know how to react but when i look back now i am so thankful i survived as at one point i wasn't sure i would. I understand my job more, i understand flashbacks and trauma more, so although i wished i had never gone through what i had in labour it has led me to be able to understand when someone talks of the impact of flashback's as 9 months on i still experience them now, i manage them but a song, a smell, a programme with labour in it brings it all back. I learnt that fertility treatment is traumatic and will never leave me, that process of 3.5yrs of appointments, prodding, poking and loss has burnt a place in my heart and when it was all over i was so happy but i was also lost, the feelings fertility treatment leaves you with is so complex and the only people who understand are those also going through it, were sisters and warriors, we survive the battle and keep throwing ourselves in to get what comes so easily to others.

I have also learnt new ways to love in my relationship, it's true if you survive the first year of having a baby you can survive anything, the amount you have to give up is commitment beyond belief. Sam has literally saved me on so many occasions, he has been 100% and has had his own challenges but has always been present and available and when it comes to parenting, he is by us every step. A new love developed when i watched him feed our new born baby with teeny cups in the midst of the night, when he encouraged me to feed in other ways and never told me not to cry when i needed too, i saw he was willing to do anything to help us survive in those first few weeks even at times when he himself was breaking.

The main thing i have learnt though is a love so strong it makes me gush with emotion, at times Sam even laughs at me as every day this small human makes my heart explode, explode with pride, happiness and pure greatness at my achievement as he is my greatest achievement.

Maternal Healthcare - What did it look like for you?

It's been a strange process being in a 'system' of healthcare, monitoring, recording and ticking boxes. I have never realised the full impact of the 'pregnancy system' now i am sailing to the end of this journey i reflect on how let down i feel by the care I have been offered and being offered.

Since starting this fertility journey in 2015, I have attended more appointments then i can count and have been let down, disappointed and frustrated by so many inputs that have felt 'unhuman' at such a 'human' time. I don't want this blog to be a bashing of health professionals as wow there are some amazing one's out there, but what is interesting is the de humanisation jobs become for some and the impact that then has on the people accessing it.

The IVF process was mind blowing to us, we didn't know what to expect, we didn't know we had choices and we went with what was giving to us as we were so lost in a world of unknown. After every loss, explanations were brief and information was shared that wasn't helpful or didn't make sense. I remember one appointment being informed my miscarriage was a 'chemical miscarriage' so wasn't classed as a 'proper' miscarriage. For someone falling pregnant any loss is a loss, and to be informed that from a health professional was a huge blow. This same professional informed me my surgery properly wasn't the reason I had falling pregnant, again taking away any hope I had mustered up. It's strange the way people feel they need to say this stuff, sometimes some things are better left unsaid. It was from these appointments I started to learn more about my body and really connect with what was going on with it. I started to engage in the clinic in the way I needed too but use research as a tool to how i could support myself, something I wrote more about that here How to try and grow a baby!- I knew I was choosing to be in this healthcare system as we were committed and knew the help was what we needed however I chose to challenge and do what felt was best for me, which helped me feel I was taking control of what was happening and contesting anything that I didn't agree or believe.

I find as i talk to others, they feel worried or scared about doing this, going against the system of care we should be grateful for and yes i am but actually taking a step back, this is my body and my mental health and shouldn't i be looking after myself in all this?.

When falling pregnant we moved into the next 'system', we were quickly discharged from the clinic which felt scary as although they had challenged us in some unhealthy ways there was a weird safety developed through those appointments and that medical care. We had a scan at 7 weeks and found a peanut sized baby and a beating heart, from there it was to the doctors and the 'normal' maternal care. I was so excited and nervous for that first appointment, however was sadly disappointed as my midwife was tired, informed me of this, became quite stressed at the computer and paid no attention to us being an IVF pregnancy and any worries I held around this. Maybe there was a lack of education, maybe there was no need to be worried or maybe I just wanted more nurture and care at a time I was so happy but so incredibly nervous.

I left that appointment sad, let down and the excitement i thought i would feel dissipated quickly.

A number of years back I decided I wanted to be a midwife, I wanted to specialise in substance misuse or young people and felt I had the skills and care that could be offered in this role. I sadly wasn't accepted (due to my maths GCSE) however now look back and realise the medical side would have challenged me as what I have learnt and seen is that it is very medical in a lot of ways. I feel I can see a new branch of care coming through from the students I have worked with, maybe that's a varying approach or maybe it's new blood in the job, whatever it has that care has felt warm and supportive, however there still seems a set of procedures to tick and boxes to fill.

One of the things I have learnt in this long journey is what my needs are and what I want from this pregnancy, I have learnt from friends about their experiences and this has allowed me to make informed decisions about what I want and what feels right for me and my baby.

I don't agree we should have to just 'get on with it' as that's what it's always been like, how many times do we hear, well you didn't have that choice years ago, did you not or where we all just too scared to go against a system of care that develops fear and anxiety within us.

With being an IVF pregnancy they like to induce you at 40wks (your due date), I knew induction wasn't something I wanted (if it could be avoided), I therefore knew I would go to 42wks before this decision needed to be made. The NHS guidelines are now at 41wks, however only moved from 42 a few years back. Induction was first discussed with me very early on, my midwife didn't give me enough solid information to make me feel it was something that was necessary so I chose that I would refuse the 40wk induction. I am also part of a North East birthing group and enquired on this, finding out the risk was possibly around women over 40. I was then asked if I would like to be booked in at 41wks, which I refused and finally agreed at 42wks, with a statement of 'maternal choice' written down in my notes. What makes me frustrated around all this is the essence induction is discussed so early, like it's become a standard way of birthing, yes it is needed at times but do we need to be introducing into conversation so early?

Then there's the graph, the graph of anxiety, the graph that every women whatever shape or size you are, you have to stay on the graph and if you don't well it's time to head to hospital for another scan (bearing in mind this is all measured with a tape measure). I understand every doctors surgery can't have fancy scanning machines but that line needs to lend a little. Which I guess is why I am blogging as I feel the NHS system needs to become flexible with women's rights and needs around birthing.

I spoke to a friend recently and she asked if it's okay for me to have all these wants from my birth, I was astonished that in 2019 we still aren't fully informed or aware, that the birth is our birth, ours and our babies, meaning it's our choice how it happens as it's one of the most powerful experiences we will go through, it's the first journey you do together mother and child, shouldn't that therefore be your choice.

Conversations are hard and what i have learnt is that EVERYONE has an opinion, you take what you want, you chose what feels best, there's no right or wrong as it's what's right for you, but for me it feels this intrinsic sense of the NHS guidelines isn't always right and we should be encouraged to be flexible and not always feel we are harming our babies by not ticking the boxes. I drank wine throughout my pregnancy, the odd glass when i wanted it from the 2nd trimester, i ate soft cheese and runny eggs. I went to gigs, i walked miles and miles in Scotland on holiday, i taught yoga from day dot, i carried things around, i slowed down when my body told me too but i lived my life the way it felt right. I chose not to tell my midwife as i told her one thing and the concern on her face made me stop instantly. It's what's right for you and none of the above maybe but for me i knew what my body needed/wanted and what made me happy and surely if i am happy my baby is.

I feel lucky to be educated through friends and my own reading, I have taken a lot from instagram accounts such as Olivia at The Birth Rising and Emma at Mamalina around going slow, listening to your body and your birth rights. I have also been influenced by some incredible friends, by their honest sharing and empowering birth stories, there talking has allowed me direction in my own pregnancy and hopefully allowing me to make the right decision's for myself and my growing family.