Not yet, but nearly, its like another point in the many
milestones of motherhood, my niece was born this weekend and it left me with all
the feels, thinking about Albie's arrival into this world and those special
moments straight after. Sam and I have spent a lot of this weekend talking
about those first few hours and the difference in what we remember and chose to
remember, there's a lot both of us have put in that box of 'things we don't
like to think about' but there's real special moments of just us and Albie that
warm my heart and make me feel such great love.
I thought Sam going back to work after Christmas was going
to be hell, i believed my anxiety
monster would be back in full force and everything would feel so overwhelming,
but surprisingly i have shocked myself (and Sam, i think) as it's not been too
bad. I have a little pattern now of classes we go to, friends we see, popping
into my Mum and Ron's, walking the dogs and suddenly being at home (alone)
isn't such a challenge. I don't know what's changed, if it's me, Albie or both
of us, but i suddenly feel like i know my little guy and i know what he enjoys
and what noises means he wants change. He kind of naps, but those 20-30mins
give me time to eat, drink tea, sometimes catch an episode of something and
maintain my me time, which felt so lost at the start of this journey.
These first 6 months have been a rollercoaster, one i haven't
always enjoyed, one i wouldn't change but one i wouldn't chose to repeat
either. Having a baby is an amazing new chapter but it also closes an old one
that when i reflect i wasn't fully ready to close. Maybe if the start of our
journey with Albie had been smoother it may have been different but it wasn't
and that i am coming to terms with slowly. I am recognising that the first part
of our journey still impacts me, brand new babies are now not all squishy to
me, there new, fragile and something im okay with not fully interacting with. I
still feel tearful when i listen to my favourite playlist which was also our
labour playlist, when i hear the song Skinny Love, by Bon Iver i could be back
in that labour room, wishing something they did would help stop the pain, sadly
i still remember nothing did until 5am that morning, 5hrs after they first
administered the first epidural, it took for the 3rd one to make any impact. I
have my birth reflection on Thursday which is where you go through your birth
with a midwife, it helps process but also make sense of what happened and how
traumatic it all was. I have chose to access counselling privately as i feel
guilt at not enjoying my so longed for baby. I feel guilt that for 4/5 months i
sometimes wondered what had i done and if i could survive the rest of my
maternity leave. I feel guilty at one point i wanted to go back to work, i
wanted to be away from this world i had just created and spent 6yrs trying to
create.
What's changed i do recognise is i am ready to talk about
this and i recognise those feelings i felt weren't only mine but so many others
too, we just don't like talking about it.
Maybe this is why this 6 month mark feels easier now as i
recognise i don't want to go back to work right now, yes in time when my
maternity ends but right now i want to squeeze and giggle with Albie, i want to
be present here with him. Sometimes days are boring, dull, repetitive but i am
now starting to recognise i will never have this time again and i want to appreciate
every minute as come April i am back at work and not with my babe every day.
I have realised i need to talk about what happened and i am
ready to, it's painful and hard but it can't be locked in as it's not healthy
for me, Sam and even more Albie. I want to grow him into a child who knows
truth, speaks about his feelings, open's up and isn't misguided from the truth.
How can i grow a child into all this things if i don't look after myself and
support myself with what i have been through and what my mental health has.
We have so many words for those feelings after birth... baby
blues, post natal depression, post traumatic stress... who knows what name i have experienced, does it need a name? i just
know making a baby, pregnancy, labour, birth then having a baby is a a massive assault
of shock on the body, mind and life, everything has changed and people who say
it's all okay i sadly just don't believe as how can anyone be that ready for
such an attack of hormones and just take it in their stride. I read somewhere
it takes eighteen months for those pesky hormones to calm down, well only
another year left.
Whether my playlist always makes me cry, whether Albie's
birth always brings back sadness, maybe i will always feel the guilt around how
i felt when he first arrived, maybe the truth of Albie never having a sibling
is because of how crazy this journey has been to bring him, whatever i know i
am doing my best to adjust, make sense and enjoy the final stages of maternity
leave. It's nice to know another rainbow appears and the journey feels somewhat
brighter after such a storm.
