Today is one of those days where I woke this morning,
smiling at life, I fed my babe, I prepped tonight's tea, I made the babes
lunch, I packed the change bag and tidied the house, I was winning. When I went
out at 12pm to my music class I was mum bossing it, I was on that high of this
mum stuff is well easy, if this is how it is, keep it coming. Then the day ends
with a huge glass of wine, my diary and a text to Sam with a blow your head emoji.
I suddenly remember how quickly it all can change. So where is the balance, how
can a day go so awol so quickly, I constantly go back to 'it's just a phase'
but sometimes 'just a phase' is bloody hard! I then remember the Monday's were I wasn't
working out the needs of a 6 month old and my biggest challenge at home was what
time to walk the dogs or what was the okay time to open the wine (with a baby
it seems anytime after 4pm is okay).
The highs are so high, when those highs hit I am skipping
with joy at my life, my love, my babe and my hounds. I look at that little
brood and my heart melts, I look at that wee baby and remember how much we
yearned, cried, pained and challenged ourselves for him. His beauty and innocence
and forever smiling face of how pleased he is to be here. I then feel that pang of guilt in that I miss
my old ways and 'easy' life. I feel bad
that I sometimes wish he was older to communicate and allow me a sense of
freedom, a sense of who I am. I then get an ounce of freedom and all I want is
to be with my babe, the balance is so screwed in my own mind, how do I get it
right or make sense of what it is I actually want.
The days feel easier the older he gets, as my hormones in
some way calm down and a light shines as in 9wks I go back to work and work is
part of my identity, however I then feel sad to be leaving this little beam of
smiles and knowing I won't get this time again. However I can't deny I am
looking forward to be part of a team again, a team that uses my brain, my
knowledge and my expertise, bigger than the team I live in daily at the moment,
just me and my babe where my brain is used minimally and it feels very
repetitive.
It's a crazy balance,
maybe its winter that shifts these rhythms, maybe it's the newness of life with
a small human, maybe it's the wild change I am going through and wanting to
make sense of but really can't, maybe it's the change in my relationship I
didn't expect or want but trying to reset and make sense of as these two
different people, who whatever, are different to who they were 6 months ago.
One thing I do know is that it is a phase, it will change, I
will look back and ask where has the time gone, I hold on to the magic of each
day, like when Albie laughs at me for making a silly face, or he does something
for the first time. I remember the want for this tiny human and although time
has changed and I have changed, I am growing and that's not a bad thing, we are
always developing and changing and although change can feel so unknown it can
be good.
This whole process is unknown but I am trying to make sense
of it and as each day passes I hope I am doing the best I can and hold on to
myself in the best way possible.
I don't think finding the balance will every come easily but
trying to adjust will and one thing I have learnt about myself in the last 6
months if you can raise a baby, you can do anything!
