hello old friend - the fog reappears.

 This recent lockdown hadn't impacted me so hard to start with, i think with it starting deep in winter, i nested down and took advantage of fires, knitting and the calm after the Christmas chaos. Around March time i found that slowly changing and could feel a decline in my mental well being and general readiness, the cold still felt long and winter was staying put. It felt good to be around others at work but the work didn't feel quite the same with face masks and having to stay 2m apart, which in periods of distress feels inhumane to not reach out and touch the arm of a client, a lot of changes were occurring and slowly i started to feel more disconnected then i have for a while, recognising my old friend was starting to appear and i was struggling to keep him at bay. I started to realise i wanted to sleep and stay asleep for some time which for me is my first trigger, i knew that wasn't possible with a toddler but i could feel the urge, things started to feel very overwhelming and i was finding myself repeating situations that had upset me over and over, my next trigger, not being able to process. I feel very lucky Sam and my Mum recognise these triggers quickly and start making me talk and share asking me what i need and how they can help. I started to realise my postnatal depression hadn't gone and now this attached to my low mood periods, intensifying life and motherhood and how i coped with days where loneliness/disconnectedness sunk in strong. I started to recognise where i was unhappy and what changes i needed to make to stay focused on myself and what my needs were as a women, mother, wife, friend and counsellor, if i am struggling all these areas struggle too and suddenly i can't be who i need in each situation. I sometimes feel a sad shadow and hear negativity creep in which isn't where i feel comfortable. 

I began to listen to what i share with young people and attempted to take action, look at what was happening and make a plan for what i needed to do, recognise what changes felt possible right now and were in reach to manage. I took my journal out and started to process and began to move my body which felt good, i threw myself into the activities i enjoy, growing, making and being outdoors and recognised sometimes i needed to put me first as without putting me first i couldn't be present for those around me. 

We also managed a holiday, an actual away space and its been 3 days but being out in the dales already has grounded me, slowed me down and let me hear what feels right. I have took holidays over lockdown but for some reason or other work has creeped in, not by choice and the holiday hasn't felt the space i needed to fill myself back up, for me a holiday is a time away, exploring and being in open spaces it isn't being back in the four walls of my home, feeling trapped, i have felt trapped for a year now with limitations being put on us of how we should behave and act. I have never realised the importance for physical contact this year, the sense of being close to others, the embrace of a friend without asking 'are we hugging' and constantly feeling an upset or anxiety that your too close to someone. This year has brought such change, such judgement and great sadness and i am ready for it to be over and a new time to come. 

The year ahead i have made plans, plans keep me focused and allow me to look forward to good times, it helps my mental health stay put and allows me to be at my best on most days. I have considered going to the doctors to talk about medication but have made the decision to wait, i have a few things occurring and if those things go the way i hope then that may help and change how my brain reacts. A friend asked me the other day if i would rather stay in one stable place rather than feel the big loves which then come with the depressive lows, it was such a great question and i realised i wouldn't change it, it's what makes me who i am and because i feel lucky enough to recognise my triggers then i feel more able to keep going as i am. As always with mental health this may change, it reappears in the strangest of ways and at times of real stress i will always move, talk write and be outdoors. 

2020 Reflections

 July last year was the last time I wrote and I have had many blog ideas but just haven't felt motivated to spend the time writing or have feelt slightly self conscious of what was important. I didnt know where I wanted my words to go and what I wanted you to read. This blog has had many variations but I guess that's life, hey? We take varying paths through life and my main reflection is that my blog shows that. Who knows where it will go next, but I hope whatever rambles I take you keep enjoying.

Lockdown 3 hasn't felt so overwhelming for me, I think this time of year would be took up with winter rambles, cosy afternoons in the pub and roaring fires with hours of netflix, ultimately all that is more of a challenge due to our wild toddler who doesn't stay still for too long and thinks he can walk for miles, which takes hours, he gets too cold then he loses it as he gets tingly fingers (he hasn't learnt the art of gloves, much to our persuasion). Therefore with pubs being closed, walks being too far a drive and netflix has turned into Disney movies were not feeling were missing out too much. These restrictions have in some way made life easier for us. Were obviously missing our London family, Sam's Muma was getting here as much as possible and were gutted that's now limited to whatsapp videos, we just keep thinking soon there will be change and the first thing will be seeing those people we haven't seen in so long. 

It has been a year of mad change though and what challenge for the mind and body, I had my vaccination a few days ago and it was such a strange experience queuing for a vaccine that may allow me some freedom at some point.. 

I have been adamant to still see others when I can, exercise with one other person has been with friends with littles so park play, bridal path walks, local nature reserves and jaunts to tasty coffee vans. I have wanted Albie to still see other littles and nursery has been another plus of this, he has developed so much the 2 days he goes and watching him know nursery rhymes, new words and imaginary play is just wonderful to observe. 

I went back to work at the start of lockdown 1, that was some experience, luckily I managed to move back into the office soon after due to the level of risk of young people I work with. I work 3 days a week at 2 different charities and also carry out private supervision work supporting other therapeutic workers. I love my job and it has been great for me going back, I miss Albie but I also have gained part of me back and feel I am a better Mum for working. I have also started some further therapeutic training through lockdown which work have supported me with, and it has made me very excited to have another trauma based therapy to my bag of counselling ways.

We got a holiday in during the 'free' spell, something I am going to blog more about as we have explored using the van and tent with Albie and both definitely have pluses and minuses of outdoor adventures with a baby/toddler. Albie first went away in the van at around 6wks old which now feels crazy to think about, however it was much easier to vanlife when he was less mobile! The Summer holiday was amazing though and we had a week that made the year for us, rambles along the Pembrokeshire coastal path, campfires at night, sea swimming and seal spotting as we rambled, it was just lush and a perfect week to show Albie our favourite camping ground. We have even booked this year and treated ourselves to a bell tent. 

We had a few festivals booked, which obviously were cancelled, fingers crossed they can go ahead this year, were dying to see Albie amaze in festival delight, he has a festival cape ready and some great sparkly clothes. Albie loves music and moves his little body when he hears a tune he likes, to think of him doing this with live music literally fills my heart and I can't wait to embrace it all with him. 

Albie's love for the outdoors has grown from Spring to Summer lockdowns into Autumn/Winter he loves helping to feed the birds, get in the chicken coop, walk the dogs and head down the allotment, his love to toddle around is heart warming and has kept us exploring through the long dreary days. 

Weve been binge watching when we can and some of our favourites from lockdown have been Normal People, Ozarks, Treme, The Fall, recent season of The Crown and Sex Education plus the Toy Story trilogy and all the Julia Donaldson stories by Magic Light on iplayer. 

I have been reading lots which has been great for myself, lots of early bedtimes with a cuppa and my book, I haven't set myself an aim for this year but have picked the books I would like to get through. A friend and I have also started a mini book club where every few months we read a book together then reflect on it. However we have both agreed time to read our own books as for me I love picking a book and getting lost in something of my own choice. I love the #20secondbookreview on instagram, it has provided me with many reading ideas over the last year. 

My allotment has gone to bed for the winter, I have taken on a few beds in a new patch that ultimately my Mum and Stepdad have took on, I still have my old little plot though and have been planning what I want to grow. I also have a greenhouse now which I can't wait to grow chillis, peppers and aubergines in. 

I have crafted, slowly but have made a few bits for Albie, a hat for Sam and I am making some socks for myself now. I am hoping to start a jumper also this year, eep but I am a bit scared of its detail and commitment, at least I have a year to do it! 

I finished my own counselling and tried out some EMDR therapy (reprocessesing traumatic memories), I really needed to carry out some work around my own labour and fertility journey, the EMDR work was amazing, since it I have felt such a shift and feel lighter and more focused on what my needs are but also the journey that brought Albie to us. I made the decision to stop posting on my fertility instagram, I have left it open but have chose posting images of my baby when it ultimately was about the challenges of fertility didn't feel right. I think I will close it at some point but for now I have left it for information sharing and answering any messages that come my way around infertility and the struggles it brings. 

Writing this I see the year has actually offered a lot, reflections can be so good to see what we have achieved, even in lockdown it's been eventful and rather enriching. 2021 hopefully will bring more connection, more outdoor adventures, less time indoors and a focus on how important life is to live and cuddles, loads of cuddles.