Boobies!

God I love them, I always have, mostly other people's but in the last 13yrs (to be exact) my own too. I can't remember the exact age I started developing but I know it felt too soon, there's certain points in your life you remember, a booby point of mine being my Mum arguing with a women in Marks and Spencer about the size of my back and me being mortified but also knowing my Mum was doing what was right for me, plus Mum's know best and she was buying them! 

These boobs of mine started growing and basically have never stopped, at my biggest I was a HH and if I am honest at the moment, I have no idea what size I am measuring at, but I am guessing a G cup.

My boobs at times have been my greatest asset, you can't complain when you're hitting the big market at 16 (sorry Mum) and getting in places as obviously big boobs meant no id. They became my identity as I started to explore relationships with the other sex and felt a 'huge' part of who I was. I guess for me they offered me something when I wasn't the most attractive, I look back now and recognise how little I felt inside but how big on the outside. 

My view started to change about my boobs when a few things happened, from somewhere I got the nickname of a 'weeble' you know those toys that wobble back and forward but never fall down, yep that's what I was likened too. It never made sense to me as if anything I was top heavy not bottom. I remember a flatmate and her bf once putting my bra on their heads and thinking this would be funny, yeah great joke. I also remember wanting a nice top for a night out and nothing fitted, I was 18/19 and struggling to find an outfit as my massive straps were always on show, back and shoulders. There were many incidents like this but a huge change was when I started working with young people in a youth offending role and I became known as 'the worker with the massive tits' at this point I decided I needed a change and made the decision to visit my doctors. 

I recognise I am not the only women with big boobs, a huge factor for myself  was that I was a HH on the front but only a 30 on the back, hence my Mum's argument in Marksy's as they always wanted me in a 32, resulting in another failed bra purchase. This meant at the early age of 20 my back was constantly in pain and I was definitely top heavy, every bra fitter would be astonished at my back to boob size, at times I felt on show for others to see.

My doctor was fantastic, she listened, supported and sent the letter recommending a reduction, I remember that appointment like it was yesterday, my Mum came with me and supported me it was a  difficult discussion but we agreed if it was what I wanted she would be there for me. 

In 2006 at the age of 23 I underwent a bilateral breast reduction, I remember the surgeon stating on reduction he would take them to a size that would still suit my body, however there were risks a main one being breast feeding, due to the resizing of the breast and nipple the milk ducts and nerves could be cut and damaged. At 23 this was so far from my mind, feeling happier in my body was my main goal. 

The surgery went well, they removed 655 grams from each breast, and left me at a FF cup, this may still sound big but it was the extra weight that changed, my boobs now sat where they were meant to and not down at my waist. My back felt lighter and I didn't feel like I needed to wear a hammock to hold myself in. 

Sadly I did become unwell after surgery and developed an abscess in my left breast, I won't talk about this too much as I still don't regret my surgery, but the abscess left me very unwell and they way the treated the abscess was in my eyes barbaric and left extra scarring on my left breast. As you can imagine Mama bear was not happy and she sure let them know. 

My surgery didn't just change my physical body but also where I was in that time of my life, my relationship, my goals and my passions, it opened up so much with this new self confidence and new sense of self. What I realised was I had been so lost and trapped and suddenly I felt free again, free to explore, understand and connect. I did just that with a lot of up and downs but with a satisfaction I was happy and finding me.

Recently that connection with my body and these boobs has come up again due to being pregnant, I realised breast feeding was something I hope to be able to do and if I am honest, always believed I would be able too. A few months back I went into a mild state of panic realising this may be impossible and I admit I became sad, annoyed and questioned if my surgery was selfish and wrong. As always discussing it with Sammy and giving myself space to think allowed me to reflect on the obvious, this time last year a pregnancy didn't feel possible so boob or no boob my babe will still be loved and certainly fed, breast or bottle. 

This ever changing relationship we have with our bodies over various periods of our lives is constant and I know will carry on, I have had signs booby feeding maybe possible, how much who knows. I watch them change in this pregnancy and possibly take on a new role in my life but whatever we have been through there's no denying my boobs have moulded and shaped so much of me and will carry on doing so. 

I have toyed with sharing my before and after pre op photos and have made the decision not to, there impressive I tell you, but for personal and professional reasons i feel putting my boobs online isn't a great idea. In that I decided no photo's were necessary, it's the words that count and well, there my boobs that have been looked at enough!