2013 A New Year with a challenging start.

2013 hasn’t been the start I had hoped and wished for, after a lovely Christmas with the family, it just feels January and February have been testing me as to what are the right choices ahead of me. I sometimes feel so contrived to achieve certain milestones in my educational attainment due to the constricted world we live in when applying for health related jobs. Everything is governed by professional registration at the moment and even being a qualified counselor (something I thought as a child was a brilliant career) is not even regarded now for statutory employment. I have always wanted to stay in the voluntary sector as believe more in the work voluntary agencies do but sadly even there getting stringent on professional qualification’s leaving me and my hard working background a little bit stuck. As I mentioned in my last blog I had decided to apply for midwifery and since doing so have had a few wobbles whether it’s the correct route and fear of the degree being too medical rather than the holistic way I have studied worked over the last 10yrs, I wondered if this was the best way to get my registration and if I could work with vulnerable pregnant women without a midwifery qualification but with my counseling and experience, sadly the jobs are so scarce right now it’s hard to even research this as there is  nothing to compare too. With all these thoughts and thinking I then received 2 unsuccessful from UCAS stating my GCSE grades did not meet the course requirements, even though I met L3 my L2 was not suffice, so I meet the higher grade but not the GCSE grade I sat 14yrs ago, madness. I resided myself to the fact Midwifery was out and maybe my reservations had been fate telling me there was different ways to enhance my career. I then received an invite to London South Bank for interview, after passing numeracy and literacy tests I then attended an interview, after a 4hr wait and a dehydration setting in, I entered the interview room and the first thing asked was ‘do you have 5 GCSE’s at grade A*-C’ I thought it was a joke and again had to explain my educational journey from school to now, another long tiring journey, with this I was told my application could be at jeopardy due to my not having these grades. I attempted to sell myself with my placement working with women exiting street prostitution, my current employment working with families with substance misuse problems and my extensive health studies course that covered English, Human Anatomy, Physiology, Maths but still they were not satisfied. They then interviewed me and I did the best I feel I could but sadly my grades from so long ago may impact if I gain a place on the course. I left disheveled and low but felt a discouragement from the University and a wonder in my mind if this was the University I wanted to study at and was all these negative signs someone telling me this was not the change I should be chasing.

In other news I was told I was facing redundancy and then two days later told I was not, another shock to the system and another time when I wondered ‘is this what life is about and is this the country I want to be living in right now’.

My mind keeps going back to my first thoughts of exploring, buying a one way ticket to India and making our way around the world, practicing yoga, gaining life experience, seeing family and friends, working and strengthening our minds. I keep questioning is this something I could do, is there fear in me that stops me and asking what is that fear – Letting others down? Feeling a failure? Missing an opportunity? Or is it just the general rule that I feel society puts on women and that at 29 (nearly 30) should I not be starting a family and getting a good career, but then the part of my personality that strives for excitement and fun, rebels against this concept and tells me to follow my dreams and take the adventure.  I have this underlying fear that keeps me in the safe comfortable reality but I can feel myself yearning for more and a main fear is one day it will be harder, it will never be too late but other obstacles will be in the way, whereas now there is nothing (apart from my chickens) if Sam and I wanted to take this opportunity we could, we could work away for some part and see where our traveling toes take us. Sadly it’s not just my fear I am fighting its Samuel’s too, the fear of the unknown can be the biggest cause of regret I feel, it’s just so hard that fear can control so much of our thoughts. Adventure to be or not to be, watch this space.

Our beautiful Murphy was killed by a fox, the day was a horrid and torturous one and I didn’t realise how much I loved my chickens, we put flowers with her as we said goodbye and hoped she had found her chicken heaven. Safe travels Danny Murphy, RIP.

One fun thing that has been happening is craft night aka knitting group, me and a few of my girlies have been getting together and learning the skill of knitting, it’s been so much fun and a brilliant way to get everyone together to craft and learn new skills. If people choose to carry it on that’s amazing, but if not it’s just been nice, having a natter and knitting along the way. So far my crafting has taught me how to make a patchwork blanket, 3 cushions and a mug hug.

Sammy bought me a new bike, a red Britannia Pashley, she is adorable and sometimes I find myself longingly looking at her, feel like a princess riding her and feel she has definitely brought a smile to the start of 2013.

My Mum and Ronnie’s dog Bow is definitely a delight to 2013 also, she is full of energy and puts a smile on my face every time I return home, her enthusiasm to play brings an electric feel to the room and when I am with her I forgot the stress of the ‘real world’ and enjoy silly Bow time world.

Spring is in the air and it feels delightful outside, roll on May for a month of birthday brilliance and Vietnam travels.