IVF through Instagram

I went to a wedding in September, as weddings go, you chat, drink and get to know the other guests. I soon got chatting to a wonderful lady and very quickly we realised our paths were similar and our journeys as challenging as each others. This new friend asked if I had an insta account, to which I replied 'of course' only to then realise she meant around fertility. It's something I have never thought about, over the years I have added and removed people from my personal account due to not wanting others to know we were going through IVF, with this option suddenly available opportunities seemed endless in who I could follow and ask questions without the intrusion of others. 

With no time to spare I set up an account finding_my_fertility and searched away on insta, finding a wealth of communication and support. It also allowed me to stay in contact with others  and my new friend, following her journey without the necessary intrusion of constantly asking. I suddenly learnt there was a huge network of women out there suffering but sharing through the power of social media. A world where family and friends didn't know, but actual people understanding and making sense of this painful journey we were all on. 

I started to share thoughts, feelings, medication, me going through my ivf journey, the rawness of injections and medication, what helped and my blogs where I wrote about this fertility journey. It felt powerful and gave me a freedom that I hadn't felt I had, my voice was heard and understood, the joy in that. 

It wasn't long after starting the account I then found out I was pregnant, which if I am honest was difficult for me, the pregnancy came with joy but my lack of support and honesty was my difficulty. I had shared the account with a few friends and suddenly didn't want them to find out through this forum. I therefore took some radio silence or insta silence to decide what I wanted to do. 

I wasn't sure when or if I wanted to share our pregnancy on social media, I was asked by a few people if I would share and I went back and forth with yes and no. When that 2nd scan came and we were giving the all clear it just suddenly felt right, the need to be proud and not hide this, show the world that when it comes to fertility challenge people do get pregnant. So after sharing on my personal act I decided to also share on my fertility one, with the warning of a sensitive post. 

Moving forward what I have decided is that I don't want the account to become redundant now I am pregnant, it's power brought me so much, however I understand the sensitivity in others who firstly joined the account with it being a trying to conceive account, i understand if any of these wish to unfollow. 

With this remake I have give it a new name pugs_not_storks as the most common thing I hear is getting our pug puppy is what brought the energy into the home for our pregnancy. I hope to share parts of my pregnancy into motherhood, so it contains the whole journey, from conception to babyhood then into motherhood. 

If you want to follow I have now opened it up for all accounts pugs_not_storks , enjoy!

Baby Austin

10th Nov 2018, the day we found out.  3years and 8months we have been waiting to hear this news and when we saw those 2 lines, we couldn't believe it. I convinced myself I was miscarrying, obviously that's why the positive line was so light, however over that weekend it grew darker and by our blood test Monday, we were confirmed a strong positive, with our HCG levels high. Finding out your 'officially' pregnant in the middle of Newcastle city centre was never my dream but hey, none of this has been. 

We first decided to try to bring a mini Austin into this world at the start of 2015, we assumed within 6 months I would be brimming with pregnancy and by Christmas we would be 3. How wrong could we have been, never did I expect this to be our journey and never did I expect how others would react or how I would react to others. 

From the start we have heard news of new pregnancies, even 2nd pregnancies, at times it has been hard, however I never wanted my journey to impact on my friendships with others, the importance of friendship is so strong to me and it's not disposable because someone has something I don't. The reality was that they didn't have something I wanted though, that was their baby, not mine and although I hoped to have a baby, I hoped for my babe, life I would bring into the world. I did sometimes need space from friends, but never felt  the need to tell them as I didn't want to deflect from the experience they were having, as one day I believed I would have that experience and I hoped it wouldn't be taken from me. 

When I did fall pregnant, my first thought was of my friends on similar journey's, we even shared with some of them before family members. I don't know what the right way is to tell someone, some friends text was the only option, but to those where I could I did my best. I had a discussion with a friend at work who informed me to stop worrying and to focus on what's happened for us, this incredible news, this heartbreaking journey finally coming to an end, that's what I needed to focus on and not how everyone else reacts as that's their reaction and I can't control that. 

We got a scan at 7wks and waiting for that heartbeat was terrifying, we had both convinced ourselves nothing would be there, but it was and there on the screen was a teeny teeny peanut sized baby, healthy and growing well. As you can imagine, tears came and we both knew this was happening, it was real. Our 12wk scan felt even worse and although i could see my body changing i realised that anxiety monster still creeped in and made me worry this could all be a dream or suddenly a very awful nightmare.  That anxiety monster was soon kicked into touch when there in front of us was our babe, upside down and not wanting to lie still for the scan. That overwhelming feeling of it's okay was just wonderful and we happily starred at those scan pictures with smiles bigger then Christmas.

It took us endometriosis surgery, 1 miscarriage, 4 counselling sessions,  2 rounds of IVF, 3 transfers, 2 failed transfers, my heart dropping dangerously low twice in and after egg collection, many £'s spent on acupuncture, fertility books, supplements and fertility herbs, tears to fill a river and hope after hope being destroyed. It was our 2nd IVF round but our 2nd transfer in that round, all embryo's were graded the same however the first chose not to stick, this 2nd transfer decided it wanted to hang around, i went to work, i drank some wine and even went to a gig, i chose to not stop living as if it was going to stay it didn't matter what i did. 

This journey hasn't been easy and although we have remained strong at times we have been broken however have held each other and shifted through the storm, believing in ourselves and what we hoped for. Sailing our good shop Albion as always. 

We always attempted to see a positive and in the years of trying to conceive we bought a house, converted a van, got a dog, then another dog, took many holidays, moved jobs, both got a promotion and made new friends who have become some of the strongest round us. I don't believe everything happens for a reason but I do believe we didn't fall pregnant in 2014 as there was so much to happen in between that time and all that stuff has made us strong, committed and more in love.

July 18th... baby Austin is due and we can't bloody wait to meet you, we have been waiting for some time! 

What's my identity?

I am not sure if this question, or a similar style of question is what has been running through my mind recently, but I have had so many conversations with friends who are mothers and the challenge that lies under that identity.

For me becoming a mother was all I wanted from being young, it was something I dreamed of and was often warned, (told) don't get pregnant, my Mum even had me on the pill at 15 to ensure I was kept 'safe'.  It was also something I identified in becoming when I was in my 30's, married with kids, that's what it's about, yeah? The longer this journey takes me the more I see my mind move through such varying ways of identifying myself,  women are seen as mothers, it's a question asked as ultimately that's what we assume women become, for me though I am learning I fight with my identity all the time and have done for many years, I feel I have so many identities and at times which one I want to be under is hard to define, but for me that identity of mothership has changed and just being a mother is one I have realised I am so much more then.

I know this identity searching started a long time ago, however  when I decided to get married, becoming Claire Austin wasn't an easy choice and took some time for me to drop Winship and take on Austin. My main argument being a) why should I take his name  b) Winship is so much better then Austin  c) I didn't want to be just someone's wife and d) Claire Winship was my identity, I didn't feel like I knew who Claire Austin was. I remember discussing this with my Mum and she reflected back 'how happy have you been as Claire Winship?' powerful hey? I really sat with this and thought of the challenges being Claire Winship has brought, the unhealthy relationships, the lack of direction, the continuous power challenge with myself (and the world), the years of counselling and many other dark periods. I sat with this for some time and decided becoming Claire Austin didn't feel so bad, I was taking on a new identify, I was becoming a wife but also Claire Winship still lived within me and no matter what she wouldn't vanish but maybe feel more comforted and safe with this stronger Claire in control.  So that was that I made the decision to change my name, then to top it Sam found a rose called the Claire Austin rose and well the deal was done then.

Becoming Claire Austin, definitely meant Claire Winship was left behind and I guess in some ways she needed be, my lack of responsibility and actually giving a fuck wasn't good, I was lost in a world of partying, sex and unhealthy relationships and slightly broken underneath it all. The years of my 20's were some of my best, memories of dreamy worlds and nonstop energy, but also I put my body and mind through so much, it needed time to calm and heal. I moved into a slower pace, learnt to craft and explore and stop partying so hard, I qualified in my diploma and started working more in specialist areas, taking control of my career. I started to think of what I wanted next and how these next years would flow, motherhood feeling stronger and being one of these factor.  I have learnt the longer this fertility journey continues the more I realise the change in my view of motherhood, maybe motherhood will happen soon, maybe it won't but I know I carry worries around it all, worries I didn't have 3.5yrs ago. I know with pregnancy not happening I  have chose to focus on other things and selfish as that may seem, things like my career, social life and holiday life are things I don't want to change now, when motherhood does happen I want my life to still be able to incorporate all the things I love and have worked bloody hard for. These things now identify me and I love being identified as, the sexual violence counsellor, dog owner, van goer, festival maker, yogi, I know I can keep all these, but I guess I feel there will be some changes and I just don't know how willing I am to make those changes .

I also know I feel something towards friends who I feel have lost their identity since becoming a Mum or becoming pregnant, I struggle to connect and maybe that's because it's a world I am not part, understand of or maybe it's just sadness how lost we get in social structures of how we should behave. Whatever it is, things change and if I am honest, sometimes I just wish they didn't have too!

Benni 2009

Malham 2017

Beach Partying 2015

Glasto 2013

Bali 2014

Leeda fest 2010

Toonside 2009

What does your family look like?

It's interesting, people's perception of what a family is and what it should look like... I wonder if asked how many of us would include kids in that.. as you all know our family doesn't contain kids, will it? who knows, it does contain a curly haired southerner, a long dog and me! This family of mine I have been trying to grow for a few years now, it's not happening in the way we hoped and since then a dog and a van has entered our lives, to which others have also asked 'are you sure' - how do we know when were ever sure what's the right thing... how many life events do we fall into and are we ever sure?

We have decided to grow our family a bit more and have made the decision to get another dog, a puppy... before we announce too much we have to go meet the little squirt and puppify the house. The few people we have told have responded with some rather random things.. the main being 'ARE YOU SURE?' -  however the really interesting one being how big a commitment it is and how will Socks cope. The psychology of this makes me laugh as surely that baby were trying for is a bigger deal then a puppy?!?! Of course, I don't deny a puppy will be hard work but the reality of the question in terms of why is an odd one to me, as why not? In comparison out of the two why is a puppy such a big deal but a baby isn't - that's an exciting deal. Then the 2nd worry of how Socks will be, jealous, left out, not cared for. How many of us think any of these things when it comes to a 2nd child? Does anyone say 'are you sure' or is it met with congratulations and excitement, surely two kids is bigger than two dogs, however comments aren't made and comparisons aren't shared as producing children is just what we do right? well for some! growing a family of kids is 'normal' but dogs - well that's just a big deal.

Sam and I may never have kids, our family may only be us and our dogs (and chickens), it's not the family I thought we would have, but it's one I love and gives me so much joy and pleasure. Were an odd little bunch we know that, but we love that. Were not where we expected, were far from it but we adjust and manage that. Where not always jubilant when we hear the news of another baby being born, were a bit broken underneath and sometimes it's too hard to find that piece of the jigsaw to celebrate, we get there but we know our family right now doesn't have that, and it hurts that we don't, we muster through, glue ourselves back together and heal. It's lovely seeing families grow, I am so happy other's don't always have to go through what were going through and can grow in the way they hoped.

My family though, it's growing differently and just because it's leftfield to what others assume it should, doesn't mean it provides anymore comment or shock, this is how were choosing to grow it and you know what... its making us dead happy!

Hill Fort Camping - a trip into Stumble Head

We took our usual Summer trip to Wales this year, it was as always wonderful and the weather was great, we went to two new campsites this year and I was blown away by one that I have decided to blog solely about this site.

A few years ago, 6 in fact we took a trip to a wild and wonderful campsite in Dorset, we had found out about it on a blog and I remember feeling such joy at the sharing of it, I chose to then to blog myself about it Jim's Camping and even now it's my most popular blog written, finding these hidden treasures is so important and the sharing of them is even greater (Sam feels otherwise, he likes to keep them to just us, ha).

Each year we attempt to take on another part of the Pembrokeshire Coast Trail, we knew we were going back to our usual haunt of Caerfai Bay, so decided to split the journey by staying at Strumble Head as our 2nd stop. Strumble Head is another wonderful part of the coastal path situated in North Pembrokeshire and is known for its rocky landscape and famous lighthouse. Both friends and family had trekked this part of the trail last year and shared it's beauty so it was an obvious stop for us.
Sadly in serious of actual twists and turns I managed to dislocate my ankle so didn't manage to walk any of the coastal path, so my time in Stumble Head was spent mostly at the campsite which wasn't so bad with the sun shining and our aces camp spot. I managed a smile climb and got a couple of shots of the views.

Hill Fort Tipi's is a greener camping club member, which means a number of the facilities must meet certain standards.   Hill Fort is a national trust land (I believe) and only allows a certain number of campers to stay, each spot is secluded and feels your wild camping. There is the option to stay in the larger field where kids usually stay so they can play together. As you can imagine we took a spot far away from everyone and spent 3 days only seeing Katie and Johnny (the owners of the Campsite).  

We had our new awning to play with also,  we were so pleased with it and it worked great for allowing us to have shade and sun, Socks took the opportunity to laze the day away under it also. We had decided we wanted a different awning to normal campervan one's and knew we wanted a festival style, tent like awning. Cloudhouses were great at delivering just that and it has a hint of purple, everything needs purple.

Johnny and Katie the owners of the campsite were awesome, individual and very sociable, but great hosts, looking after my swollen ankle, bringing wood when needed and being on hand to help with food, walking, local information.

Before my ankle went we did manage to climb one of the hill's and watched sunset up the top, it was spectacular seeing the landscape in front of us and enjoying the views. On the evening we enjoyed fires in the fire pit provided and ate al fresco  at the home made tables. It was just a perfect few days and have already planned to go back next year, this time with a bit more walking. 

Who Supports Who in this Journey?

Tommy's the baby charity has released a new campaign #TogetheForChange it's an incredible campaign and covers a number of areas around baby loss. Some I can connect with and some I can't, however I feel the importance of the campaign is finding what helps for you and what supports you. 

As I have shared previously, we miscarried, early over a year ago now, since then we have had small signs of pregnancy, but again they haven't resulted in a full term pregnancy so again we move through more loss, something, for whatever reason isn't working and the result in this is us not  having what we want and hope to become. Sam and I are strong in how we work through this, there are hard days, we don't always show them to others but we manage and cope in our own way and that is mainly focusing on what we have and what encompasses our life right now. 

Were so far into this journey now people are on their 2nd child, we have a list of who we know will be soon and how we're going to cope with that when it comes, another well of feelings exploding as the baby dust has struck again for those lucky souls out there and were happy for them, so happy but sad it hasn't happened for us.

For me the strongest part of this campaign was the information around jealousy, a word I don't connect with, I don't feel I am jealous but I am envious. I worked with a fertility counsellor for some time and she stated the word jealousy, I remember I repelled away, my body moved backwards, as the word felt ugly, which in result made me feel a part of me was ugly. I quickly replaced it with envious, I do want a baby, I do want to be a Mum, I do want a child but I don't want what others have, as it's not mine,  for me this means I don't feel I am jealous of their baby, that's not my baby. I am just envious of not having something I would really like and like to become, a mother. 

For me one of the hardest parts that comes with this journey is people's side head looks or awkwardness around wondering why we don't have children, 8yrs and no kids, we know people put us in that bracket of the one's who don't want kids, or know something must be wrong so don't ask, which in itself is hard. The taboo around infertility still lives on and I wish it could change. 

The other part is the sadness other people feel for us, or assume we will feel. This irritates me the most, like we're going to break as another person has falling pregnant. I don't always want to hear someone has cried for me as they are pregnant and I am not, or that they didn't know how to tell me due to the discomfort it feels for them. That really isn't the thing that's going to break me, you don't need to rationalise my grief or make me feel I have to support you as actually this journey is mine and your pregnancy is yours, your gift. I also hate when people ask Sam how I am doing and will I be okay, it's bizarre what assumptions we come to when others are going through baby loss and pregnancy loss.  People just care and that's what I have to remember but I know I find people going through similar experiences are people I want to connect with as they understand and don't make these wild views on what's going to make me cry or hide away. Sam works in his own way, and I admire him for it, he has friends and families children he loves and is Uncle Sam too them, but I know when I share another baby has been born he is pleased to know it's healthy and well but that's all he can manage, he says he knows its rude but I know it's his protection, he has to keep himself safe to manage the well of emotions in there. 

The campaign Tommy's are running speaks open and honestly, I know I have days when being around teeny babies, or talking about them is too much, I can't manage it,  and I don't want to hear about it but then there are days when it's all I want to do, as on those day's it's okay. No one can ever understand this journey were on as it's ours and we don't expect people too but compassion and awareness is a great tool and can really help.

Video for Tommy's below.

https://youtu.be/FxNE-Q-tPec

Care - what does it look like to you?

I have woken today with a heavy heart and a reflective mind, it's a question I have been asking myself for a while, what does care look like to me? How do I know others care or show they care and how do I muddle through this world of friendship, family, work, life knowing how to care for others and how they care for me.

Care: the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.

I know I show care through communication, it's my go to, whether that's dedicated quality time with someone, words of love, support and commitment to being present and loyal.  I believe this is the way I also look after myself, being honest and real with how I think and feel and ensuring I listen to what's best for me. Allowing myself quality time and commitment to my needs and time allows a better me.

In my work I show I care through counselling, I feel it's my gift to support and empower young women and men to overcome trauma and find their way back into this world after horrific abuse and assault. However how I care in my work is different to my care in friendships as I don't expect anything back from my young people, just for them to attend and commit to finding their path to recover.

This post links similarly to another blog I wanted to write and have been hesitant as I know it feels a tricky one to navigate, female friendships, I guess when I reflect on female friendships they have changed, grown and lost, they have been some of the biggest life lessons and some of the biggest hurts but when I look at them all communication was either the growth or loss in them all.

I feel I also don't help myself as I am aware of my strength and commitment to my own care, life has brought up so many challenges that I have had to navigate a lot of self development and find what's important to me, my values and morals have defiantly been challenged and tested and it's taken me time to find what the core of them are, I feel I am close, not fully there but I know what's important and one thing is there being a balance in friendship, a balance in care, that it's not just a one way process. I know I am a person who likes to support others but recently I have realised I don't always get that back and why that is I will never know.

When I moved back to Newcastle it wasn't easy, my main community i was friends with before had moved away and I knew another friendship group was changing, i didn't feel a place there. It was a new challenge for me and once again it felt I was starting again, I guess that's a reflection in itself the amount of times I have made changes in my life which means I have had to find new friendships and make new connections. Sometimes I feel I am constantly navigating this world and I know I have a few very close ones, I do still miss my core favourites, I guess that's where my love language of quality time comes in, making sure I spend time away and commit to the importance of those friendships.

We bumble along in this life, enjoying and embracing it, friendships change, people change but does the way we care change? How do we chose how we care and what navigates us to this way of being. I guess for me I have realised there's only so much I can give and if it's not equal I question the importance and place for it.

Maybe I am always going to be reflecting and questioning this, as I move through life I make stronger friendships with more meaning and depth then I have ever felt, we look for different aspects in people as we grow and I thank the ones around me, holding, supporting and communicating through this tricky stage of life.