What's my identity?

I am not sure if this question, or a similar style of question is what has been running through my mind recently, but I have had so many conversations with friends who are mothers and the challenge that lies under that identity.

For me becoming a mother was all I wanted from being young, it was something I dreamed of and was often warned, (told) don't get pregnant, my Mum even had me on the pill at 15 to ensure I was kept 'safe'.  It was also something I identified in becoming when I was in my 30's, married with kids, that's what it's about, yeah? The longer this journey takes me the more I see my mind move through such varying ways of identifying myself,  women are seen as mothers, it's a question asked as ultimately that's what we assume women become, for me though I am learning I fight with my identity all the time and have done for many years, I feel I have so many identities and at times which one I want to be under is hard to define, but for me that identity of mothership has changed and just being a mother is one I have realised I am so much more then.

I know this identity searching started a long time ago, however  when I decided to get married, becoming Claire Austin wasn't an easy choice and took some time for me to drop Winship and take on Austin. My main argument being a) why should I take his name  b) Winship is so much better then Austin  c) I didn't want to be just someone's wife and d) Claire Winship was my identity, I didn't feel like I knew who Claire Austin was. I remember discussing this with my Mum and she reflected back 'how happy have you been as Claire Winship?' powerful hey? I really sat with this and thought of the challenges being Claire Winship has brought, the unhealthy relationships, the lack of direction, the continuous power challenge with myself (and the world), the years of counselling and many other dark periods. I sat with this for some time and decided becoming Claire Austin didn't feel so bad, I was taking on a new identify, I was becoming a wife but also Claire Winship still lived within me and no matter what she wouldn't vanish but maybe feel more comforted and safe with this stronger Claire in control.  So that was that I made the decision to change my name, then to top it Sam found a rose called the Claire Austin rose and well the deal was done then.

Becoming Claire Austin, definitely meant Claire Winship was left behind and I guess in some ways she needed be, my lack of responsibility and actually giving a fuck wasn't good, I was lost in a world of partying, sex and unhealthy relationships and slightly broken underneath it all. The years of my 20's were some of my best, memories of dreamy worlds and nonstop energy, but also I put my body and mind through so much, it needed time to calm and heal. I moved into a slower pace, learnt to craft and explore and stop partying so hard, I qualified in my diploma and started working more in specialist areas, taking control of my career. I started to think of what I wanted next and how these next years would flow, motherhood feeling stronger and being one of these factor.  I have learnt the longer this fertility journey continues the more I realise the change in my view of motherhood, maybe motherhood will happen soon, maybe it won't but I know I carry worries around it all, worries I didn't have 3.5yrs ago. I know with pregnancy not happening I  have chose to focus on other things and selfish as that may seem, things like my career, social life and holiday life are things I don't want to change now, when motherhood does happen I want my life to still be able to incorporate all the things I love and have worked bloody hard for. These things now identify me and I love being identified as, the sexual violence counsellor, dog owner, van goer, festival maker, yogi, I know I can keep all these, but I guess I feel there will be some changes and I just don't know how willing I am to make those changes .

I also know I feel something towards friends who I feel have lost their identity since becoming a Mum or becoming pregnant, I struggle to connect and maybe that's because it's a world I am not part, understand of or maybe it's just sadness how lost we get in social structures of how we should behave. Whatever it is, things change and if I am honest, sometimes I just wish they didn't have too!

Benni 2009

Malham 2017

Beach Partying 2015

Glasto 2013

Bali 2014

Leeda fest 2010

Toonside 2009

What does your family look like?

It's interesting, people's perception of what a family is and what it should look like... I wonder if asked how many of us would include kids in that.. as you all know our family doesn't contain kids, will it? who knows, it does contain a curly haired southerner, a long dog and me! This family of mine I have been trying to grow for a few years now, it's not happening in the way we hoped and since then a dog and a van has entered our lives, to which others have also asked 'are you sure' - how do we know when were ever sure what's the right thing... how many life events do we fall into and are we ever sure?

We have decided to grow our family a bit more and have made the decision to get another dog, a puppy... before we announce too much we have to go meet the little squirt and puppify the house. The few people we have told have responded with some rather random things.. the main being 'ARE YOU SURE?' -  however the really interesting one being how big a commitment it is and how will Socks cope. The psychology of this makes me laugh as surely that baby were trying for is a bigger deal then a puppy?!?! Of course, I don't deny a puppy will be hard work but the reality of the question in terms of why is an odd one to me, as why not? In comparison out of the two why is a puppy such a big deal but a baby isn't - that's an exciting deal. Then the 2nd worry of how Socks will be, jealous, left out, not cared for. How many of us think any of these things when it comes to a 2nd child? Does anyone say 'are you sure' or is it met with congratulations and excitement, surely two kids is bigger than two dogs, however comments aren't made and comparisons aren't shared as producing children is just what we do right? well for some! growing a family of kids is 'normal' but dogs - well that's just a big deal.

Sam and I may never have kids, our family may only be us and our dogs (and chickens), it's not the family I thought we would have, but it's one I love and gives me so much joy and pleasure. Were an odd little bunch we know that, but we love that. Were not where we expected, were far from it but we adjust and manage that. Where not always jubilant when we hear the news of another baby being born, were a bit broken underneath and sometimes it's too hard to find that piece of the jigsaw to celebrate, we get there but we know our family right now doesn't have that, and it hurts that we don't, we muster through, glue ourselves back together and heal. It's lovely seeing families grow, I am so happy other's don't always have to go through what were going through and can grow in the way they hoped.

My family though, it's growing differently and just because it's leftfield to what others assume it should, doesn't mean it provides anymore comment or shock, this is how were choosing to grow it and you know what... its making us dead happy!

Hill Fort Camping - a trip into Stumble Head

We took our usual Summer trip to Wales this year, it was as always wonderful and the weather was great, we went to two new campsites this year and I was blown away by one that I have decided to blog solely about this site.

A few years ago, 6 in fact we took a trip to a wild and wonderful campsite in Dorset, we had found out about it on a blog and I remember feeling such joy at the sharing of it, I chose to then to blog myself about it Jim's Camping and even now it's my most popular blog written, finding these hidden treasures is so important and the sharing of them is even greater (Sam feels otherwise, he likes to keep them to just us, ha).

Each year we attempt to take on another part of the Pembrokeshire Coast Trail, we knew we were going back to our usual haunt of Caerfai Bay, so decided to split the journey by staying at Strumble Head as our 2nd stop. Strumble Head is another wonderful part of the coastal path situated in North Pembrokeshire and is known for its rocky landscape and famous lighthouse. Both friends and family had trekked this part of the trail last year and shared it's beauty so it was an obvious stop for us.
Sadly in serious of actual twists and turns I managed to dislocate my ankle so didn't manage to walk any of the coastal path, so my time in Stumble Head was spent mostly at the campsite which wasn't so bad with the sun shining and our aces camp spot. I managed a smile climb and got a couple of shots of the views.

Hill Fort Tipi's is a greener camping club member, which means a number of the facilities must meet certain standards.   Hill Fort is a national trust land (I believe) and only allows a certain number of campers to stay, each spot is secluded and feels your wild camping. There is the option to stay in the larger field where kids usually stay so they can play together. As you can imagine we took a spot far away from everyone and spent 3 days only seeing Katie and Johnny (the owners of the Campsite).  

We had our new awning to play with also,  we were so pleased with it and it worked great for allowing us to have shade and sun, Socks took the opportunity to laze the day away under it also. We had decided we wanted a different awning to normal campervan one's and knew we wanted a festival style, tent like awning. Cloudhouses were great at delivering just that and it has a hint of purple, everything needs purple.

Johnny and Katie the owners of the campsite were awesome, individual and very sociable, but great hosts, looking after my swollen ankle, bringing wood when needed and being on hand to help with food, walking, local information.

Before my ankle went we did manage to climb one of the hill's and watched sunset up the top, it was spectacular seeing the landscape in front of us and enjoying the views. On the evening we enjoyed fires in the fire pit provided and ate al fresco  at the home made tables. It was just a perfect few days and have already planned to go back next year, this time with a bit more walking. 

Who Supports Who in this Journey?

Tommy's the baby charity has released a new campaign #TogetheForChange it's an incredible campaign and covers a number of areas around baby loss. Some I can connect with and some I can't, however I feel the importance of the campaign is finding what helps for you and what supports you. 

As I have shared previously, we miscarried, early over a year ago now, since then we have had small signs of pregnancy, but again they haven't resulted in a full term pregnancy so again we move through more loss, something, for whatever reason isn't working and the result in this is us not  having what we want and hope to become. Sam and I are strong in how we work through this, there are hard days, we don't always show them to others but we manage and cope in our own way and that is mainly focusing on what we have and what encompasses our life right now. 

Were so far into this journey now people are on their 2nd child, we have a list of who we know will be soon and how we're going to cope with that when it comes, another well of feelings exploding as the baby dust has struck again for those lucky souls out there and were happy for them, so happy but sad it hasn't happened for us.

For me the strongest part of this campaign was the information around jealousy, a word I don't connect with, I don't feel I am jealous but I am envious. I worked with a fertility counsellor for some time and she stated the word jealousy, I remember I repelled away, my body moved backwards, as the word felt ugly, which in result made me feel a part of me was ugly. I quickly replaced it with envious, I do want a baby, I do want to be a Mum, I do want a child but I don't want what others have, as it's not mine,  for me this means I don't feel I am jealous of their baby, that's not my baby. I am just envious of not having something I would really like and like to become, a mother. 

For me one of the hardest parts that comes with this journey is people's side head looks or awkwardness around wondering why we don't have children, 8yrs and no kids, we know people put us in that bracket of the one's who don't want kids, or know something must be wrong so don't ask, which in itself is hard. The taboo around infertility still lives on and I wish it could change. 

The other part is the sadness other people feel for us, or assume we will feel. This irritates me the most, like we're going to break as another person has falling pregnant. I don't always want to hear someone has cried for me as they are pregnant and I am not, or that they didn't know how to tell me due to the discomfort it feels for them. That really isn't the thing that's going to break me, you don't need to rationalise my grief or make me feel I have to support you as actually this journey is mine and your pregnancy is yours, your gift. I also hate when people ask Sam how I am doing and will I be okay, it's bizarre what assumptions we come to when others are going through baby loss and pregnancy loss.  People just care and that's what I have to remember but I know I find people going through similar experiences are people I want to connect with as they understand and don't make these wild views on what's going to make me cry or hide away. Sam works in his own way, and I admire him for it, he has friends and families children he loves and is Uncle Sam too them, but I know when I share another baby has been born he is pleased to know it's healthy and well but that's all he can manage, he says he knows its rude but I know it's his protection, he has to keep himself safe to manage the well of emotions in there. 

The campaign Tommy's are running speaks open and honestly, I know I have days when being around teeny babies, or talking about them is too much, I can't manage it,  and I don't want to hear about it but then there are days when it's all I want to do, as on those day's it's okay. No one can ever understand this journey were on as it's ours and we don't expect people too but compassion and awareness is a great tool and can really help.

Video for Tommy's below.

https://youtu.be/FxNE-Q-tPec

Care - what does it look like to you?

I have woken today with a heavy heart and a reflective mind, it's a question I have been asking myself for a while, what does care look like to me? How do I know others care or show they care and how do I muddle through this world of friendship, family, work, life knowing how to care for others and how they care for me.

Care: the provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something.

I know I show care through communication, it's my go to, whether that's dedicated quality time with someone, words of love, support and commitment to being present and loyal.  I believe this is the way I also look after myself, being honest and real with how I think and feel and ensuring I listen to what's best for me. Allowing myself quality time and commitment to my needs and time allows a better me.

In my work I show I care through counselling, I feel it's my gift to support and empower young women and men to overcome trauma and find their way back into this world after horrific abuse and assault. However how I care in my work is different to my care in friendships as I don't expect anything back from my young people, just for them to attend and commit to finding their path to recover.

This post links similarly to another blog I wanted to write and have been hesitant as I know it feels a tricky one to navigate, female friendships, I guess when I reflect on female friendships they have changed, grown and lost, they have been some of the biggest life lessons and some of the biggest hurts but when I look at them all communication was either the growth or loss in them all.

I feel I also don't help myself as I am aware of my strength and commitment to my own care, life has brought up so many challenges that I have had to navigate a lot of self development and find what's important to me, my values and morals have defiantly been challenged and tested and it's taken me time to find what the core of them are, I feel I am close, not fully there but I know what's important and one thing is there being a balance in friendship, a balance in care, that it's not just a one way process. I know I am a person who likes to support others but recently I have realised I don't always get that back and why that is I will never know.

When I moved back to Newcastle it wasn't easy, my main community i was friends with before had moved away and I knew another friendship group was changing, i didn't feel a place there. It was a new challenge for me and once again it felt I was starting again, I guess that's a reflection in itself the amount of times I have made changes in my life which means I have had to find new friendships and make new connections. Sometimes I feel I am constantly navigating this world and I know I have a few very close ones, I do still miss my core favourites, I guess that's where my love language of quality time comes in, making sure I spend time away and commit to the importance of those friendships.

We bumble along in this life, enjoying and embracing it, friendships change, people change but does the way we care change? How do we chose how we care and what navigates us to this way of being. I guess for me I have realised there's only so much I can give and if it's not equal I question the importance and place for it.

Maybe I am always going to be reflecting and questioning this, as I move through life I make stronger friendships with more meaning and depth then I have ever felt, we look for different aspects in people as we grow and I thank the ones around me, holding, supporting and communicating through this tricky stage of life. 

I Climbed a Mountain!!

It's been a long time since I blogged and sometimes blogging in itself can feel like climbing a mountain, I have so many ideas but articulating and getting them down can feel a challenging at times. There is always something else to do, somewhere else to be or no time to write, sometimes the words just don't  come. I have these dreams of sunshine, outdoors and lazy afternoon blogs, like I used to do when travelling,  today I decided I am putting that dream back into action, so with the bbq going, a cider next to me and my laptop in hand I am set to write. 

So let's start with talking about my adventure last weekend as it was one to remember and for me a real accomplishment. 

I have been wanting to take on a big mountain for some time now, however with my knackered knees I always stay away and stick to slow rambles and small hills. I decided I needed a challenge and with my knees staying good for some time now this was the time to test them. 

Sam was away on my brothers stag so I planned a camping night away with a friend and we made a plan to hike Whernside, I was told it was the slowest incline out of the 3 Yorkshire peaks, so felt the best peak for me. I had no idea what to expect, however when I turned up Friday to camp at Philpin Farm, I saw the beautiful mountain positioned in front of us in all her glory. I was nervous, worried I wouldn't be able to complete the climb and worried my knees would go on me, when they do, they hurt bad. However I believed in myself and knew with the support of my friend we could go at our own pace and time without pressure or stress. 

 Luckily the walk to Whernside was only 15mins (ish) from our campsite so was a nice easy stroll to the start. I was shocked when we reached the start the climb up was only around 2 mile, this set my mind at rest a little more. it was a beautiful slow incline and I was surprised how many folk were coming down from the other side. We soon realised there was a race on and these were most of our passerby's. We took our time, enjoyed the views, stopped for sweets and nuts and allowed Socks the rest she needed (as she isn't made for climbing mountains). It was gorgeous chatting to others and slowly seeing the landscape in front of us, as you all know Yorkshire is a favourite of mine but this was phenomenal and seeing the other peaks, Pen y ghent and Ingleborough looming behind and in front of us was breath taking.  

I was amazed at how many people take on the 3 peaks without training or hiking shoes, we saw so many people struggling with sore feet and tired bones, however their determination to finish (i.e. climb another mountain after) was astonishing and at one point made me tempted to do more. My brain quickly changed when Socks refused to head up the more challenging part of the climb, basically putting the brakes on and attempting to head down, rather than up. I sat with her for 10mins and gave her water, pretending my encouragement was going in, she then picked herself up and managed to climb, only to find what looked like the top was a blind summit and there was still a way to go. Luckily it evened out and the rest wasn't such a pull. 

Making the top was a wonderful feeling and my friend had packed cake from the little shop at our campsite, yep she knows me well. We munched it up, enjoying watching what everyone had in their lunches/snack pots. It was lovely, we looked over Ingleborough with such pride. I was shown different points of the lake district and other parts of Yorkshire, it felt very special and surreal sat up there watching the world go by. Socks took a sleep and we lazed a good half hour away. 

The trip back down is always a worry, the pressure that hits the knees has knocked me before (in India monks blessed them when I struggled to make it down Triund Hill), and although at times I was aware there were creeping out, they held up and I made it down okay, obviously some bum scrambles but it led a number of other walkers to follow suit which felt nice and to feel it's okay to hike down however feels best for you. We smiled and giggled at the conversations being had around us, hearing folk talk about what they were most looking forward to when finishing their hike, however long or small that was, there was a sense of achievement floating in the air. 

We finished back at our campsite and enjoyed the masses of folk snacking and resting around the campsite shop, more cake, yes please. The sun was shining and a huge sense of enjoyment was being had, the joy of walkers, it feels forever thankful for the nature we are in and the beauty it gives us to enjoy these hikes, rambles, strolls and walks. 

How to try and grow a baby!

A friend of mine was pregnant with her 2nd child and she was sharing her wealth of books purchased in preparation for this new life. We laughed and giggled at the information in them, the knowledge they shared and what she was finding helpful/unhelpful... that friend smiled at me and said 'you can have them when you have your baby' she give me the hope I had started to lose, and at that point I needed that hope. I decided to take those books as for me they signified hope, hope that one day I would need their pearls of wisdom or laughter. They now live in a cupboard in the 'spare room' (I will come to this these hyphens) and I took one out recently, my heart warmed and my womb ached and my belief of pregnancy resided strong and that felt good... and with that this blog post came. 

I had wanted to write for a while but wasn't sure what too, it's true with writing you just know when you want to, an idea comes and the words flow.

I have been talking and sharing with a number of friends recently, some know a lot of what's happening for us, some not so much, some are there every step but what I am finding recently is how much I am holding space with others stories, their journey's and experiences of fertility and being a support in letting them off load but also sharing similar experiences or feelings. I am also aware that I seek out this on social media. I read something recently around how your instagram changes as you grow older and I know I now follow people with similar stories of loss, loss of fertility, loss of parenthood, loss of a child and I find courage and strength from their stories and messages. With that I wanted to share some of my own challenges and talk about why I have made changes and what I have found useful or not so useful, but not just that if someone takes an element of hope, strength or thought from reading, then the power of writing has done its work, as in this journey it's always good to know there are others out there wearing the cloak of fertility challenges and supporting and helping each other - even if it's just reading a blog, liking a picture, listening to a podcast or feeling warmed by an instagram story. 

In the last 3yrs my body has had some vast changes happen to it, I guess the major one being my endometriosis surgery - there's more and more research around this and the NHS are finally listening to women's experiences and offering surgery to rid the lesions that occur due to endometriosis. Endometriosis is when the lining of the womb (endometrial tissue) doesn't come out as blood (period) and goes back into the body, resting on other areas - bladder, ovaries, fallopian tubes etc and causing lesions and a lot of pain. I have had pain for years, in many ways and I had no idea there was a name for it, I just assumed I am a women, were always in pain. I found out when having an internal scan (and I winced with pain) that they were concerned, this concern led to more scans, surgery and a scar on my belly button. How does this affect fertility? well where the lesions occur they can block or stop the eggs and sperm happily meeting. For me I was pleased the surgery occurred, it may not change things and sadly it can't stop it coming back but it felt like something and it felt good my body was being cleansed. 

We also found out I have what's called a low ovarian reserve - basically my eggs are running out, which means the eggs left in there are a mix bad between some okay ones and some pretty bad ones. What does this mean for infertility, well like the old saying goes 'your clocks ticking' well ding dong mine certainly was. 

The next month (just over a year into our journey) we fell pregnant, I couldn't believe it, we stood in the kitchen with the pregnancy stick in shock, it was a light two lines but they were there. Sadly this turned into a early miscarriage but for us it was hope, they had final met, they just hadn't worked out they needed to stick together for longer. 

I started to research and found a lot around blood circulation, being cold and my endometrial lining, those bloody pesky eggs - which of these could this have caused my miscarriage?

Acupuncture & Reflexology

I don't love it, but it has amazing research around fertility and it also alerted me to look at my body temperature, I have always been a cold person, I used to make my friends put the fire on after a night out dancing, I have blankets everywhere in my house and I was a crap geordie who couldn't go out without her coat. I also suffer raynauds syndrome so have bad blood circulation - being cold isn't great when it comes to pregnancy as would you want to live in a cold home? Acupuncture has allowed my blood to flow more naturally and improved it's functioning, I now monitor my temperature daily and the change is mind-blowing. From a scale of ups and downs it's now levelling out and I am not as cold as I normally am, something Sam is happy about as it means the heating isn't on as much! 

I also found out about the importance of having a warm womb, hot water bottles pre ovulation on the tummy, then after ovulation on the feet. Acupuncture is Chinese medicine and it believes the feet energy lines are connected to the womb, therefore warm feet means warm womb, cosy socks, slippers and staying off cold floors - instantly my mind went to my constant refusal of wearing shoes, I even refused on our wedding day! uh oh, that explains the raynauds.  

I have also been working with a reflexologist, who does similar work in terms of working certain areas of my body through my feet to give better circulation. Why do I get the two as I love reflexology, the calmness and beauty of it is so relaxing and I feel rested and restored after it.

Diet

I haven't changed that much, I don't go out as much, a bottle of wine lasts me a week rather than a night (in the house) with the girls down the pub well that's a different story. Curry Friday's still exist and cake, well that's not going anywhere. However I did decide to lose some weight as I had started to become comfortably round and I knew that wasn't good for me emotionally, physically or mentally for this journey. So I looked at fertility friendly foods and started adding more of those into my diet beetroot juice, almonds, avocado's, spinach, eggs, pineapple (around possible conception time), soups and stews, chilli and cinnamon - these foods help blood flow and support implantation if that little embryo/blastocyst make it to that stage. The womb has to be a cosy and nurturing place for it to live so needs a good blood flow to make a thick uterine lining, supposedly these foods help do just that.

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I have started drinking more decaf tea, herbal teas - ginger especially (again blood circulation) and water. It is a challenge as I don't drink a lot of water but I purchased a huge bottle and make myself drink that every day! It's still not enough but it's better than I was. 

Yoga

I found more fertility poses have started coming into my practice, legs up against the wall being my main one, pushing the blood back to the womb and again helping the lining. My yoga practice does vary however even if I haven't practiced I try to find space before bed to shuffle my bum against the wall and whack those legs up, it just feels so nice. 

Blogs and Podcast's 

One day I started searching, I wanted to hear other's voices and experiences and I came across Elle from Feathering the Empty Nest she just spoke to me, there was something alive about her and I felt connected to this lady who was surviving a loss so deep and painful. I found strength from her words and her stories and I found something lifted in me. I would recommend her blog, instagram (even if it's just to adore Boris the Pug) as she is a true ray of sunshine and she makes me smile on daily basis. 

I also found out about  Alison Perry who has a brilliant podcast, a lot about being a Mum, I must be honest and say I haven't listened to those but the one's around fertility challenges are incredible and Alison herself has just conceived naturally through IVF. 

The Spare Room

When we moved into our 3 bedroom house, we knew which room would be our nursery, however sadly with no pregnancy the room stayed barren - like my womb (dark but true) - it became a dumping ground and we just left it to be that until it needed to be anything else. I moved into this year with the decision it needed to be different, that room needed to be decorated and it needed to be more than an empty room. So with that we started, I plastered my favourite colour purple on the wall and started making plans for a spare room/nursery. I had to believe it would be that as otherwise it would just stay ugly and unoccupied. It's still undergoing it's changes but it looks so nice already, I want to put plant's in it and fill it with life, with the hope the same may happen in my somewhere else. 

Writing

I use my blog, and my journal, I have always used writing as a therapy as I believe feelings come up for a reason, it's our body saying something so it's important to acknowledge those feelings. I have started writing more recently just a few pages a day but more to acknowledge how I feel and why I feel that way, whether that's fear, anxiety or frustration by putting it somewhere it stops it living in my body. 

Talking

I don't share everything with everyone, there's some close queen bee's out there who know, and others who know a little. I do talk about it, as I am not ashamed, embarrassed or afraid of other's reaction's. I was sick of being asked 'when are we having kids' which prompted me to be honest as  people actually need to learn it's not appropriate to ask that question. However it helps, talking helps make sense of it all and talking with women experiencing similar problems helps even more, however sourcing them out can be hard, however by talking does just that, believe me I have made some new found friends through sharing what's going on for me and finding they had similar or shared experiences. 

Me & Curly

Lastly I started believing in the power of she, the power of us and the hope I have in us and the strength of just being who we are. I trust in my body, it's gone through a lot but I know she will deliver and she will give me what is right when the time is right. 

I am part of the strong girls club and I know I got this!  

*this information shared is my own information from my own reading and research, it in no way say's by doing all this it will get you pregnant, it's my journey and my experience of as the blog is titled 'How to try and make a baby'*

The Power of Dance - You can go your own way!

I shared with my friends at work yesterday how I miss dancing, how I look forward to festivals and weddings so much as it's the main space I get to dance like mad, that sweaty, smelly, free feeling, exhilarating dancing. Throughout my late teens and twenties I danced most weekends from funky house, to techno to indie disco's, funk and soul music lived in my bones and was such a huge part of my identity. 

Life changes though and those dancing beats become less and my hips stopped moving as much. 

It's strange as when I look back at my relationship with dancing it has brought so much goodness into my life, Sam and I met through our love of dirty indie, festivals are a huge part of my Summer fun, some of my favourite friendships were formed across a dance floor and one of my favourite memories of travelling was dancing wildly for 2hrs in Bali, no drink just coconuts. 

So why does it just stop being something we do and only something we enjoy when at an 'event' (as such). Is it about other people's expectations of us, is it the worry of judgement, is it that we don't have the opportunity?

Tonight I changed all that. I went to meet with a new reflexology practitioner today, for certain reason's I changed from my other practitioner and seeked Claire out through my acupuncturist.  We talked about a number of things in this first meeting and it felt more than just a reflexology appointment, after an incredible reflexology session we talked about my self care and things I could do to help my relationship with my body. One thing she recommended was to dance, to get home, put a song on a dance freely. 

and I did just that... and then I couldn't stop and danced more and more, I sweated, I jumped, I twirled and then Sam joined in and you know what... it was amazing. As I danced I cried the pain of so many things I have been feeling and allowed my body to move in the way it needed, it just felt so freeing and releasing and that power of dance was ignited in my bones again. 

So from a discussion yesterday to a reflexology appointment today to me moving my hips tonight, I am dancing again and I feel alive. Dancing literally is therapy! 

So go ahead, make your playlist, dance and feel how good it feels just to be free and wild, dancing to the beat of your own drum. 

My favourites from tonight:

1. Robyn - Dancing on my Own

2. Fleetwood Mac - Go your own Way

3. Detroit Emeralds - Feel the Need in Me

4. Inspiral Carpets - This is how it Feels

5. Stevie Nicks - Edge of Seventeen

3yrs on... still trying, lets plan a holiday!

Ooof where to start today, my holiday maybe, we decided to go away for some sunshine, we couldn't go to India for certain reason's, so chose the next hot place we could afford, La Palma, Canary Islands, 'as it always is sunny in the Canaries they say', hmm, seems not. This isn't  a blog about my holiday but a blog about what keeps me going through the torrent of trying to conceive. One of those things being planning and organising delicious things to keep me sane and have things to look forward too. So the Canaries was not hot, my holiday wasn't super relaxed and i missed Socks (not literal Socks, my doggy).

I realised a few things on this holiday, it was a time for reflection and a time to recognise how we move into our 3rd year, still childless, still hoping and not letting this journey break us. I don't want to mumble through a sad, poor me blog, as i dont feel poor me, i dont feel 'why us' were happy, healthy and have a great life but there's challenge that comes that no one can feel unless they have experienced or realised what it's like having years, not months, years of trying, waiting, hoping then disappointment each month for years and still at the end still not knowing if i will ever grow a baby.
What i realised on my holiday was i have changed, this journey has changed me, i see the world differently to how i used to 3yrs ago, i see fertility differently, i see my body differently and how it functions and responds. I see others differently and how they react and respond. I know who my towers of strengths are, friends who have supported me in ways that have given me what i needed just when i needed it, that self care package that turns up through the post or little quote that makes me smile. I have seen positive and negative changes in me, i have learnt i am strong and have a really positive view on this world and people. I have learnt it's okay to not want to hang out with that friend who has just had a baby, it's okay to say 'actually i just need a bit of space'. Saying no isn't being selfish, it's self care.  I have realised my dog, Socks gives me more than any human, she makes me smile when no one else can, she lets me cry and clearly doesn't say it's going to be okay and she makes me get out and walk when sometimes i want to hide. I now realise anxiety is part of my life, i do struggle at times and being in my nest makes me feel safe and secure. Yoga gives me strength and when i take time to commit to 20mins a day it gives me the power to go through the day. I have learnt blogging and writing lets me express and share and its cathartic and therapeutic.

I have also learnt so many people experience or have experienced fertility related problems and when you talk about it, people share who have never shared before. I do enjoy hearing stories of other people's journeys but from their mouths not others, as everyone has a friend who....

I want fertility issues to be something more talked about, i am open and honest about our journey, some things i chose not to share, as i have to remember there is 2 of us in all of this, but i want is it to be okay to say 'you know what it isn't happening for us' that doesn't mean i am going to break down crying, i don't need your sympathy or sad face just talk to me like this is okay and just another of life's challenges.

So what happens next who knows, what i have learnt is that knowing something delicious is on the cards, then that keeps me focused, keeps me strong and lets me know what i have is already enough.

Not my Circus, Not my Monkeys

Today at work I learnt an old Polish Proverb that reads, ‘Not my Circus, not my Monkeys’ – it instantly connected to me, a mental image of monkeys climbing on my back and me doing all I could to bat them away, get those crawling monkeys off, there clingy hands holding on and the stress taking over to remove them and shout your not mine, go away.

How often I take on the ringleader in so many circuses of life, even when it’s not my circus I have always seemed to end up in the middle of it all, wondering how I remove myself and like the proverb says, get these monkey’s off me.

My main drama was always with friends, it was painful at times and hurt a lot how my circus with friends seems to have lessened over the years, I spend my time with a few close friends who don’t bring drama, we mainly discuss dogs, crafting, feminism, recycling, wine, tea and cake. Over the years I would be pulled into the drama of everyone’s life and revelled in some weird pain of taking on everyone’s emotion’s and trying to fix things. I don’t know if this is the ‘counsellor’ in me or the friend that likes to see others happy, whatever it was though I soon realised it was getting me down and slowly breaking me. The day I took insight into myself and made steps to back away from the drama I realised how much lighter and happier it made me.

Sometimes, some days that squirmy feeling creeps in though when a situation arises and my fixing wand comes out, it may not be as involved but its creeping on the outside trying to poke its way in to wave a magic spell and make it all okay, which ultimately makes me feel pap and again stressed out.
I was sharing with my Manager at work today a situation that’s recently occurred, when she said, ‘it’s not your monkey’ leave it, at first, I laughed, what monkey?! with further explanation it all made sense – the monkeys the circus, how many times have I took on the ring leader role and ended up trying to train all elements of the circus and then being disappointed at failing? It’s at times made me so broke and sad and took a long time to heal from it. This proverb just made me look back, reflect and think if it’s not mine to take care of then leave it to someone else to look after. If it’s not my monkey to take care of it’s not my monkey to train.

My husband is great for being my balance, he lets me rant then just asks ‘why are you getting involved’ he knows what gets to me and what stresses me and knows what I need to leave alone. Sam basically knows what’s not my monkeys better than I do.

So in that when something unfolds I will ask myself, who is the ringmaster, which monkeys are mine (if any), is this my circus.

Sometimes letting others sort their own monkeys out is kinder then me doing it for them.

Goals, Chapters and New Beginnings.

At the start of last year I took my bullet journal out and made some 2017 goals for the year ahead.  I then closed my diary and forgot about most of them. However when I took my diary out again this year to write my goals for 2018 it seemed I hadn't forgot any from 2017 and managed to put a nice tick next to them all. You can imagine how happy I was.

I was asked by a friend on New Year's Day about what I most wanted for this year ahead, it's hard to decide when the one thing I would like is out of my control. However my reflection on last year was my wants are the same however I had found many other things that I hoped to achieve and felt them important to enhance and enrich my life.

It's also strange how you can write things down then subconsciously take those goals on and prosper in them. I feel pleased within myself that through such a challenging year I looked after myself in more ways then I knew and managed to end the year smiling.

I read somewhere the year brings 12 new chapters, I loved this thought, in therapy work we talk about each session being a chapter in that young person's story, it's a section we are uncovering in our life and trying to make sense of.  When thinking of the 12 new chapters in my life I realised they weren't too different to last year, adventures, believing in hope, development, positive challenge and riding the more difficult parts of our journey right now. We move into 2018 knowing we have a lot more challenge to come but we move in stronger together and knowing that we have got this.

Writing in words how we manage and cope isn't the easiest, we don't look for pity or understanding, it's cathartic and therapeutic for me to write, it also allows a space to flow and be free. The journey of unexplained infertility doesn't take up my everyday thoughts, it hurts and is so different from the path i expected however I put time and energy to achieve and succeed in so many other areas of life. I feel I enrich my life with dreamy adventures and live as the Danish say a Hygee lifestyle, living my life in a warm and cosy way allows a safety around myself that gives comfort and self care which promotes a positive well being for myself and for others around. My manic way of once living has completely calmed and although we are busy it is always with kind natured fun.

So what does 2018 bring - development of my yoga business, exploring 5 new places in the UK in the van, a challenging knitting project, developing yarn social night,  grow pumpkins, remembering what I have is enough and staying kind and true to myself, family and friends.

So with the tree down, the house cleaned and reorganised and this being the last day of my Christmas annual leave and I plan to write, knit, finish my Christmas tv, drink tea and eat Christmas cake. It's been a delightful rest and I move into 2018 ready for the next chapter.

December - The month of Christmas

For me Christmas is December, it's not one day it's all the excitement and planning that comes with it. I love every part of December and sometimes find I enjoy the build up to Christmas more than Christmas itself. The anticipation of what's to come and the excitement of everyone building up to such a wonderful day. Christmas hasn't always been easy for me, which is why maybe the month of December is more exciting at times. Christmas was always a shared occasion, it changed throughout the years and now feels in a place i am happy with. Growing up with separated parents isn't easy in many ways but Christmas becomes a different extreme when as a child your racked with guilt at thinking a parent maybe left alone or someone is sad you're not spending it with them. It consumed me in many ways for many years however i did find ways to cope and manage. I now feel Christmas works for me and my little family of Sam and Socks, it feels we look after ourselves and what works for us, too many years were spent doing it for others. 
So what does December bring...

Advent Trail

2017 saw the 2nd year of the advent trail, the planning for this starts in October and again we managed to get 24 houses to complete the trail, some new houses joined the trail and old. I did my best to accommodate everyone and changed numbers around, it is hard work but I felt happy with how the trail came together and the windows this year were amazing. Every one developed their own style that suited their own family, beliefs and values. It was great to see windows capturing a household. The community comes together fantastically for the advent trail and the feedback is wonderful, hearing dog walks become more interesting and children and adults love the sparkling lights and Christmas/Winter tales the windows tell. 
We also carried out the group trail on Christmas Eve which gathered and around 60 residents out in the rain, enjoying hot chocolate, mulled cider and wine. It has definitely become a wonderful tradition and it was so great to see the difference in ages that came together as strangers and left as friends, walking the trail as one community.

A trip to London

We head to London to see Sam's family, we used to attempt to do a fake Christmas but now enjoy a nice meal out and catching up with friends as well as family. It was a lovely weekend and we managed to catch up with plenty of folk, enjoying Christmas drinks and laughter a plenty. London can be so magical in the Winter. I used to love a Winter Wonderland trip and a walk along the South bank - the markets and mulled drinks were so nice after work. 

A trip to Malham

It was a friend's birthday so we headed to Malham for the day,  it was a gorgeous few hours in our favourite place, we took a small stroll and then cosied up in The Lister Arms for food and wine, it was a lovely day to celebrate and you could feel the warmth of Christmas in the Dales. 

Date night

Sam and I took ourselves out for a date night, we ate some tasty Indian food at a lovely restaurant Dabbawal in town then went to The Northern Stage for The Suggestibles Impro Pantso which was so funny. We laughed so much and it felt very Christmassy in the theatre. I felt a little tradition starting, no better way to enjoy a panto then dark humour and lots of laughs. Ironically the play with about Storksville where babies are made... nice?!

Family Traditions

Christmas cake making with my Mum and Gran, it's been something that we have done together for years and is the start of December for me. My granddad used to do this but when he passed my Mum took the job on, we make the cakes for the whole family. I then take mine home and decorate with all the great tastes. - icing and marzipan, yum!
The ladies also take a shopping day, I remember being young and always wanting to go, now I am a 'grown up' I head out with my Mum, Gran and Aunty and we take our annual trip to Metro centre to shop, eat and enjoy. 

Advent Calendars, we both have our calendars so get these up filled with chocolate treats.

Christmas Eve at my Mum's, we all head over after the advent trail and Mum hosts a tasty pick and mix of delicious foods. We always give a Christmas Eve gift and reveal in the excitement at what's coming. 

Sam and I always exchange our Christmas PJ's - it's such a heart warming tradition and feels a huge part of Christmas Eve. We then get our PJ's on and watch a Harry Potter film drinking some tasty drinks and eating some sweet treats. 

Christmas Eve at my Stepdad's and Boxing Day at my Dad's, a lovely way of coming together as family and making Christmas last a little longer. 

Christmas Day

We head to my Mum and Ron's, where a huge spread is put on, fizz is drank and presents are opened. It's so nice as we all sit round the tree exchanging gifts, we put so much into what we buy for one another it's exciting seeing people's faces as they open the gift and enjoy the treats it brings. It's the one time of year my family play a game and I was pleased to have Mel and Carl with us this year as we managed to squeeze two games out of them with me and Mel both encouraging game playing. 

So December was full, busy and SO MUCH FUN. I feel so pleased to have the family I have around me and so honoured to have this life I am in. When New Years Day comes I always feel sad December is over and spend the day moping and low that I have to wait another 11 months for the most exciting month of all. However 2018 has many plans and I am excited to start setting some goals and planning for the year ahead.